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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won't let me go out

166 replies

Dramatica321 · 01/10/2019 22:20

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

OP posts:

SaraNade · 03/10/2019 11:07

@JustWonderful What does his colour have to do with anything? Would you have said 'I saw a white, dread-locked, ungroomed man in dirty clothes who appeared to be under the influence of one or more drugs'?

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:07

Interesting that you still felt the need to say he was black. Does that make him scarier?

How surprising that you zeroed in on that among all the adjectives in my description ... Why do focus on race so much, are you racist?

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:10

JustWonderful What does his colour have to do with anything? Would you have said 'I saw a white, dread-locked, ungroomed man in dirty clothes who appeared to be under the influence of one or more drugs'?

If I were clarifying whhni described them as a Rastafarian, yes. You're the one who challenged me using the word Rastafarian so I clarified why I used it, and profusely apologised if I'd used it wrongly.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:11

*why I described him

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2019 11:14

So you changed Rastafarian to black. Okaaaaaay...

SaraNade · 03/10/2019 11:14

@JustWonderful Your reply was to my reply. It was my first post addressed to you. I never mentioned Rastafarian. Another poster did. You still don't explain why you felt the need to say his colour.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:14

Does that make him scarier?

Does it make him scarier to you?

I merely described him.

It wouldn't make him scarier to me personally, since I have considerable experience with black men .. I don't know if it would him scarier to other people. I suppose if it did, that would make them racist.

What made him scarier to me was his state (on drugs) and his behaviour.

All of which were mentioned too , but you focused on his face only; interesting that, for such a PC "non racist".

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:15

*race

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:18

You still don't explain why you felt the need to say his colour.

Yes I did.

You just be just particularly obtuse.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:18

*must

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:22

So you changed Rastafarian to black. Okaaaaaay...

So you usually make insightful posts phrasing ok like a dumb frat boy?

Also I didn't change Rastafarian to black- I clarified why I'd used the word Rastafarian with several descriptives, all of which you ignored except black.

I wonder why you're do focused on race.

I also wonder why you and the other virtue sigmalling poster jump to assumptions about race (that I haven't stated) while accusing another person of being racist. That would actually make you racist. So you're showing the prejudice behind your bullshit virtue signalling.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:23

I've had enough of derailing ops thread with this nit picking - good luck.

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2019 11:25

“You just be just particularly obtuse”

You said black when someone pointed out that Rastafarian was unacceptable and you called me obtuse!

Hadjab · 03/10/2019 11:25

@Livehopelove are you her partner??

OP, if you’re going to the bar I think you’re going to, there is a hotel next door, there’s also a Premier Inn 7 mins down the road. Tell him to either book a room for you both or eff off

BlingLoving · 03/10/2019 11:34

"A large stoned man" would be a perfectly adequate description.

But as Justwonderful is clearly fully on board with women being to blame if they get attacked (shouldn't have been drinking/wearing revealing clothes/ wearing heels etc) I'm not sure why her need to explain that the man was black with dreadlocks and was therefore much scarier is a surprise.

OP - reading your original post was terrifying to me. So often on these threads about controlling men it feels like you can sort of see how it got to that situation or whatever and there are nuances. There are no nuances here. You should run now while you still can. I know you won't because you love him and because you think that this concern is real and justified, but believe me, it's not.

Try talking to some of your friends at work. I suspect you don't because they probably already know he's a twat and don't like him. Am I right?

I also assume that the reason you don't want to stay in a hotel or with a friend is because the weekends are time for you as a couple and he would be "upset" if you weren't there in the morning?

Believe it or not, millions of couple get to spend lots of quality time together without it being an issue that one of them went out the night before and stayed over somewhere.

Oh, and yes, him insisting on one standard for you and a different one for him is not only controlling, but deeply misogynist. In 5 years time you will have 2 children and be a SAHM living on a small allowance that he doles out begrudgingly. You will feel guilty buying even the most basic of necessities for yourself like underwear or sanpro. You will have zero social life, you will be cooking and cleaning for him and he will be out and about like nothing has changed.

Please run now while you still can.

happythankyoumoreplease · 04/10/2019 12:12

How are you OP? Stand up for yourself and have a great night out!

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