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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me go out

166 replies

Dramatica321 · 01/10/2019 22:20

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

OP posts:
Bellringer · 02/10/2019 14:07

Not safe for anyone to travel drunk and alone. Same rule for him.
Can you stay or travel partway with a friend. Otherwise drink less or book a reliable cab.
Best not limit each other, don't be controlled but do be sensible.

Bellringer · 02/10/2019 14:12

Unfortunately you do get more attention if you are young, if you wear a skirt.
It shouldn't be so, it's not an excuse for bad behaviour or a reason to stay home, but it is true.
Wear a coat over your gladrags and have a good time.

hulahulahooop · 02/10/2019 14:19

My dh was concerned for my safety once when I went out for a night with friends. I’d missed the last train home from London with one remaining friend from the group after drinking about 3 bottles of wine between us and not really being able to tell the time by then . After phoning me up and saying wtf happened (with a chuckle) he booked us both into a hotel over the phone and text me directions. That is being concerned. Unless you’re actually 12 you can make your own way home or he can book you a place to stay.

Your OP definitely comes across as your dp is controlling where you are but it’s fine for him to go out wherever whenever. Typical controlling features and if you don’t have dc I would not bother trying to change the situation outside of getting a new dp who will treat you better.

starfishmummy · 02/10/2019 14:31

I agree Bellringer, its being drunk that makes it unsafe.

LexMitior · 02/10/2019 14:37

Also guessing OP doesn’t have too many friends to bounce this issue off.

Have you asked your friends OP? Why not if you haven’t?

Idontwanttotalk · 02/10/2019 18:30

He is being unreasonable. Thank God you aren't married. Dump him and find someone who respects you and your decisions. It is not up to him to say it's alright for you to go out. You should be telling him when you are going out purely out of courtesy and not to obtain permission from him.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 02/10/2019 21:34

My DD is nearly 23 but looks about 17/18 and she lives in zone 2 but works long hours in zone 1. Her friends live all over London and the suburbs and she often socialises with them. If she has had a few drinks she will either get an Uber home but often uses public transport. She has a rape alarm and uses the usual sensible precautions of not taking shortcuts through dark alleys and sticks to well lit areas when walking etc.

1000's of young women live independently in London and the commuter belt and enjoy full social lives in the capital of an evening. Do not let him bullshit you into thinking that his double standard behaviour is in any way reasonable. He can of course be concerned for your safety but this does not make it acceptable for him to "flip" and tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I also would not get embroiled in tit for tat demands that restrict both of your social life such as curfews as that is not healthy either.

Obviously anyone is more vulnerable if travelling home alone after a few drinks but as long as you take sensible personal safety precautions and don't get steaming drunk I see no reason as to why you should not go and enjoy yourself.

Just for your convenience if you don't want to get a taxi or hotel would staying at your friends be an option? - that way you could enjoy your night without worrying about missing your train home.

If you don't want to end the relationship then I would make it clear to if he continues with this controlling double standard attitude disguised as concern then you will be rethinking things.

He is your partner not your keeper.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/10/2019 21:47

I don't need men risk-assessing my danger from other men. I'll make my own judgements thanks.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/10/2019 21:49

To all PPs that think it's in any way reasonable for men to make judgement calls about women's safety, ask yourself where that leads.

Grandcentralstation · 02/10/2019 23:48

@JustWonderful
drunk Rastafarian
Why was his religion important to the point you were trying to make? Hmm I’m under the impression that actually they don’t drink so I’m unsure why you would assume he was a Rastafarian.

Lana08 · 02/10/2019 23:50

He is not concerned for your safety he is controlling you. Tell him to drop you off and pick you up so, bet he comes up with an excuse for that too.

Op this won’t end well get out while you can x

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 08:56

drunk Rastafarian
Why was his religion important to the point you were trying to make? hmm I’m under the impression that actually they don’t drink so I’m unsure why you would assume he was a Rastafarian.

I should've said "stoned Rastafarian", my humble apologies .. I was using the words drinking and drunk so much I used it by default. He was (presumably) stoned. He was under the influence of some drug or other .... Does that satisfy your "determined to not pick and get offended on behalf of everyone" needs?

I judged on his appearance, he presented with typical Rastafarian clothing, hair, attitude; if he was not indeed a practicing Rastafarian, I humbly humbly apologise for any offence.

Back to the actual topic now maybe?

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 08:57
  • not pick
JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 09:28

*uugh - nit-pick

Grandcentralstation · 03/10/2019 09:30

*I should've said "stoned Rastafarian", my humble apologies .. I was using the words drinking and drunk so much I used it by default. He was (presumably) stoned. He was under the influence of some drug or other .... Does that satisfy your "determined to not pick and get offended on behalf of everyone" needs?

I judged on his appearance, he presented with typical Rastafarian clothing, hair, attitude; if he was not indeed a practicing Rastafarian, I humbly humbly apologise for any offence.

Back to the actual topic now maybe?*

Still not sure why you felt the need though?

Would you have written ‘drunk Christian’ or ‘drunk Wiccan’?

Also, what is a typical Rastafarian attitude?Confused

Your prejudice is showing.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 09:32

Oh and his religion was not important to the point, I was merely giving a basic image of this man who had backed a petite female office worker into the corner of the train door lobby, was leaning over her and making kiss noises/gestures in the direction of her face while mumbling incoherent words, until another man pulled him away and said "that's not right, mate".

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 09:35

*Also, what is a typical Rastafarian attitude?confused

Your prejudice is showing.*

Stoned - I suppose sums it up.

Wise up love; you're absolutely determined to nit pick here and be PC to the most ridiculous degree.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 09:37

You're the sort of person who, due to extreme PCness, allows crimes and injustices to happen within specific religions and cultures - because we're not allowed to say they happen more within specific religions and cultures. You'll be jumping up and down shouting "that's racist!!!!".

Grandcentralstation · 03/10/2019 10:00

Today 09:32 JustWonderful

Oh and his religion was not important to the point, I was merely giving a basic image of this man who had backed a petite female office worker into the corner of the train door lobby, was leaning over her and making kiss noises/gestures in the direction of her face while mumbling incoherent words, until another man pulled him away and said "that's not right, mate".*

That is exactly what I have been expressing “his religion was not important to the point”

You could have just put ‘drunk man’ but in your mind adding the word Rastafarian made it more scary and threatening, as backed up by your subsequent posts.

You can throw “you’re so PC” insults across the screen at me all you like but your statements have been prejudiced, whether you choose to see it or not.

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2019 10:13

That’s a stock in trade of the racist, ageist, sexist person “I was only using old biddy, dumb blond, Rastafarian as a deacriptor! I don’t see race, age or sex”

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 10:58

And the stock in trade phrase of a PC virtue signaller, when faced with eg criticism of a behaviour endemic in a particular group or culture is to shout "racist!".

Since this is such an important point in this thread, let me amend my post ...

"I saw a black, dread-locked, ungroomed man in dirty clothes who appeared to be under the influence of one or more drugs .. sexually harass a young woman in the early evening on an overland train".

There, now maybe the thread detail can stop.

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:01

*Sorry, "I saw a black, dread-locked, ungroomed man in dirty clothes who appeared to be under the influence of one or more drugs, and spoke (mumbly) with a Carribbean accent"....

I apologise profusely for using the word Rastafarian, as he may not have been a Rastafarian.

Maybe you can go on about your self righteous day now

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2019 11:02

Interesting that you still felt the need to say he was black. Does that make him scarier? More likely to be sexually abusive?

JustWonderful · 03/10/2019 11:06

but in your mind adding the word Rastafarian made it more scary and threatening

In your mind ... Wow you're a mind reader ... Why are you on Mumsnet instead of the Maldives enjoying the bounty of your amazing skill?

My subsequent posts don't back that up - they said he was stoned - not frightening. It's up to you if you find people on drugs more frightening. Many people do.

His behaviour was threatening/frightening to the victim and others around.

CleopatrasMum · 03/10/2019 11:06

You are not yet married and you don't have children. Leave this controlling man NOW while you still can. He is not your father and if he is like this now believe me it will be a million times worse when you have kids and he knows he has you where he wants you.

Find a man who regards you as his equal.