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Original poster

He won't let me go out

166 replies

Dramatica321 · 01/10/2019 22:20

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 23:14

Not being dramatic but tell him to get fucked and if he tries to control what you do again it’s the last time he’ll ever see you!!

AhNowTed · 01/10/2019 23:15

@Parker231

Bollocks. Why should she pander to that.

She's a grown woman.

rvby · 01/10/2019 23:16

Run. Dont fuck up your life by staying with a guy who is showing you hes a controlling knobhead

BrassTactical · 01/10/2019 23:19

Oh shush I’m a rural Northern “girl” Confused and even I know from work trips followed by sessions that the tube and the trains out of King X are still fairly busy until 1am.

Tell him that’s fine for safety you will stay out and kip over at your mates house.

If he’s still shady (he will be) then it’s control not safety and you need to dump and run. Seriously!

prawneater · 01/10/2019 23:24

Run the fuck away from anyone this controlling, don't marry him and don't have kids with him. He doesn't get a say in where you go or how late you stay out. He's not your parent and you're not 14.

RosamundButterfly · 01/10/2019 23:27

From bitter experience...

He is being unreasonable.

If you stay with him he will only get more unreasonable.

This is not normal respectful equal loving behaviour. My ex started EXACTLY like this word for word. I was a bit of a doormat, a bit flattered by it. Next thing he’s confiscating my keys or my phone and making it impossible for me to go out with my friends at all. Telling me what to cook and how to raise the dc. All dressed up in loving concern of course.

Massive red flag.

SaraNade · 01/10/2019 23:28

Get out now before the relationship goes further. He is very controlling and is using 'safety' as an excuse, and throwing what you wear into it too? Sexist pig. Why the he won't 'let' you go out bit? Whether he 'lets' you or not is irrelevant. You just.....go. He can't stop you. There is no 'letting' about it. You go where you wish, when you wish. Controlling men like this only get worse, please get out of the relationship now before he has you completely trapped.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/10/2019 23:29

OP, you ask Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

It's him. Tell him it's your life, your night out and that he's not the boss of you. Oh, and fuck off.

If you let him take control of your life in this small way it won't be long before he starts trying to control larger things. That's how this shit works.

Grandcentralstation · 01/10/2019 23:31

Lol! The overground from junction is perfectly safe Grin
Honestly though, I’d probably get an uber to kings X and a train from there as I get lazy after a few cocktails. Tell your partner to piss off and go have fun! Wine

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2019 23:34

@Livehopelove Actually I disagree with alot of the advice on here... , the thought of a trip home from CJ to Herts is a nightmare but the only person who has to do it is OP so surely its her decision. If he'd said "it doesn't sound practical getting home, can't you sleep over Mary's house" no one would comment. It's the whole young girl crap that makes him a controlling arse

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 23:46

When I lived in Hertfordshire )further into Hertfordshire); on the v few nights out I went on in London, I asked to stay with a (female) work colleague who lives in London.

That avoided navigating tubes, stations, streets, trains etc on my own while tipsy.

(Though pp.are right about transport being fairly busy and therefore safe late anyway).

Of course I have a feeling he wouldn't accept that even if you have a colleague who's willing to put you up because I worry that he doesnt really want you out at all and will just see you not coming home as more opportunity to get up to "mischief".

If it's 20 mins into Hertfordshire, how much is a taxi from Clapham junction, pre-booked with details shared with a relative/friend.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 23:50

As others have said, a cheap hotel in the area and return trip the next day is also an option.

If he won't accept a hotel or staying with a colleague, i'd come to the conclusion that it's not about your safety at all, and about controlling you.

Incidentally my dp never had the slightest problem with me staying with a colleague in London after a night out - he wanted me to do whatever was most convenient and enjoy the night out.

piesforever · 01/10/2019 23:54

100 perfect please dump this controlling man. How dare he.

CalmdownJanet · 02/10/2019 01:00

You are deluding yourself. He is not concerned for your safety and he doesn't want the two of you to spend time together - he is a controlling prick who is saying these things to disguise his control as him being sweet, he isn't being sweet, he is being controlling, don't be fooled. Run for the hills!

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2019 01:18

How would 10.30pm in the dark be any less safe than 8pm in the dark? Such codswallop.

And as others have said if he was worried about your safety, he could meet you to escort you home when you were ready.

AhNowTed · 02/10/2019 01:44

@JustWonderful

"As others have said, a cheap hotel in the area and return trip the next day is also an option."

@Pinkbonbon

"And as others have said if he was worried about your safety, he could meet you to escort you home when you were ready."

You are missing the point!

It's not about her 'safety' and whether he should give her a lift or she stay in a hotel.

She doesn't have to pander to his controlling ways.

She can go out whenever she wants
She doesn't need a hotel or another safe form of travel
She's a grown woman who wants to socialise FFS
She doesn't need permission
She doesn't need to ask
She certainly doesn't need him to pick her up
She can go out, on her own, without his say so, on her own terms, for an innocent night out without him controlling her whereabouts

donethinkin · 02/10/2019 05:34

Say “understand your concern for me travelling home late on my own so I’ve booked a room in the hotel next to the bar” then grab some popcorn and watch his reaction. That’s going to tell you all you need to know. If he kicks off then dump his ass. Immediately. No comebacks. Done. He’s being completely unreasonable. You aren’t from a culture where women aren’t allowed out without a male escort are you? I assume you are over 18? You go out with those friends and you have a good time. Stay out late. Have fun. Stay in a hotel. Enjoy yourself

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2019 05:35

Is he your dad? Are you 15,? No? Then he's a controlling knob and you need to dump him

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2019 06:34

Is he your dad? Are you 15,?

He seems to be confused about your relationship dynamic. You told him out of curtesy, you weren’t seeking his permission. The ‘I’m a man therefore I can do the hell I want’ message isn’t going to fly and you need to be clear about that. He’s testing your boundaries and you need to be firm and clear where those are.

Bananalanacake · 02/10/2019 08:34

you don't have kids so why live together. 2 years is too soon to move in together. bet it was his idea so he can control you.

JustWonderful · 02/10/2019 08:49

You are missing the point!

No, I'm not.

I've been in a relationship with an extremely controlling man.

I'm merely suggesting ways op can confirm whether this is controlling behaviour; which I heavily suspect it is.

Of it is, he'll have a problem with op staying with a colleague or in a hotel; if he doesn't it's unlikely to be. (I do give appreciate his some people would worry about lone females, dressed for a night out i.e. maybe heels they can't move fast in etc. and an outfit that draws more attention from sleazes (not that sleazes and rapists won't attack a woman in any outfit) ... I've seen women bring harassed on the train at 6 on the evening. A rail employee (not on duty) had to fend the drunk Rastafarian that was backing her into a corner, leaning over her and making kissy gestures off the poor girl). It's a possibility. And likewise I've got a bit vulnerable and stressed trying to navigate from central London to kings cross myself, having had a bit too much high volume Japanese plum liqueur one evening. Odds are you'll scrape by and there'll be plenty of people around and noone will cause you z problem; but there's still a small risk. As a result I stayed over with colleagues from then on.what I'm saying is there's s small benefit of doubt I'd give him, but I'd test that with the staying over idea.

JustWonderful · 02/10/2019 08:51

*I've felt a bit vulnerable & stressed

JustWonderful · 02/10/2019 08:55

I do think he'd more likely to be a controlling hypocrite and agree with this wholeheartedly;

Say “understand your concern for me travelling home late on my own so I’ve booked a room in the hotel next to the bar” then grab some popcorn and watch his reaction. That’s going to tell you all you need to know. If he kicks off then dump his ass. Immediately. No comebacks. Done.

KUGA · 02/10/2019 09:02

I had the same thing in the past but went out anyway.
And to be honest I walked around Sainsburys just to be out and piss him off.
Had to prove a point I guess but it did work.

bookwormsforever · 02/10/2019 09:06

he then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety

A young girl? Are you 12? Or are you a fully grown adult woman able to make your own decisions?

he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

Aha, that's what it is. So not only does he want to stop you going out, he wants to decide what you wear.

YANBU. Massive red flags. Is he controlling in other areas too?

He's not your keeper. You can go out when and where you like.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?