He won't let me go out

[Dramatica321]

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

Oops, meant to delete that last sentence!

“Odds are you'll scrape by and there'll be plenty of people around and noone will cause you z problem;”
Oh, ffs. This is central London not downtown Beirut! Odds are that she will have a good night out with her friends and then get the train home. Like the adult she is. Stop giving this man the benefit of the doubt.

Cmon op. You're an adult, no one tells you when you can and can't go out, that's not how grown up relationships work. Tell him you appreciate his concern but your going as you're an adult and he doesn't get to control your actions.

On a separate note I'd dump someone for attempting this.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl
Well yes, it would be if that was the case.
I agree a young girl of say.... 5-9 years old should not be going out drinking and making her own way home.
But I'm assuming you are not that young!?
You are a grown woman.
This is a massive, huge, humongous, big fat red flag.
Do NOT ignore it OP.
This is the start.
You aren't allowed out late as you are a 'young girl'
You aren't allowed to wear revealing clothes.
You aren't allowed to drink too much.
It's OK for him but not for you.
Total double standards.
Ignore his bullshit.
Tell him you are going and staying for as long as you want and you will wear what you want and you will drink what you want.
If he doesn't like it then he can get to fuck!
Don't allow this OP.
It will only escalate from this.
I'm assuming he controls in other ways too.
I suggest you get yourself educated on control and abuse and get the hell away from this man before it gets worse!

Oh, ffs. This is central London not downtown Beirut!

And as I say d in my post, I've seen women sexually harassed (with the likelihood of worse had someone not been there to intervene) on a train in central London, not even late. And at a vague, finger in the air guess; that possibly wasn't the only time it has ever happened, in fact it's a known issue. You know you're completely deriding the experiences of people who been sexually harassed or assaulted in central London.

However luckily it's still the minority, still a low risk - which is what I pointed out.

I would think he is or is most certainly trying to control you in other ways too. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and is no respecter of persons. He has also had two years in which to work on you to see where your boundaries are and what you expect. Now he has decided to up the power and control against you in this manner under the guise of safety. It is indeed one rule for him and quite another set for you.

I would end this relationship now because this for you is only going to go one way and that is down. This relationship is in no way a loving one. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because this is recent (after op came home very drunk from a night out), she said he didnt have a problem before. Also because he didn't object to the night out when he thought she was travelling earlier. A controlling man would not want her to go for drinks full stop (unless he's starting this way and will escalate).

Like it or not, he dies have a point that females are more vulnerable to sexual attack while travelling alone drink than males. The worst that is likely to happen to him is that he gets his wallet nicked, a woman is more likely to be sexually assaulted.

That said, that's no reason to stop doing something or come home earlier. I'd be inclined to mitigate risk by drinking less (which might be unrealistic, and he probably thinks so) or staying nearby, rather than travelling back earlier and cutting the evening short.

This genuinely seems to be prompted by op returning home on public transport v drunk after drinking shots ... However, as I've said before, the litmus test I'd to say she'll stay locally with colleague// in hotel. Rather than "well if I can't travel late, you're not allowed to travel late .. yours not allowed out after blah time either". It's a ridiculous "solution".

The only two solutions are for op to say "nope, will travel drink at whatever time and take the v small risk" or 'ill stay locally and not travel drunk late/ish".
And it's up to him what risks he wants to take travelling drunk.

Prick

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because this is recent (after op came home very drunk from a night out), she said he didnt have a problem before. Also because he didn't object to the night out when he thought she was travelling earlier. A controlling man would not want her to go for drinks full stop (unless he's starting this way and will escalate)
He's treating her like his 15 Yr old daughter with all this young girl crap he hasn't said lol I'm concerned after last time about you getting home safe, is there any other option than you getting the train that late? He's told her he's allowed to go out whenever he wants but she, little woman, will be home when he decides is best for her. At BEST he's a patronising dick

youre a young girl?? How old are you?

No its not ok. Youre not a child. Hes not your dad. If you want a night out with your mates, drinking cocktails, getting a bit drunk and having a good time, you dont need his bloody permission. Tell him to sling his hook. He doesnt have to like it, but its not up to him, and if he thinks it is up to him, then youve got big problems. Hes your partner, not your keeper.
Honestly, watch out with this one. Thats a really bad sign

Dump him. Please.

He doesn't give a shit about your safety, he just doesn't want you to go out. Honestly OP if you said you were going out locally until the wee hours he would be exactly the same. Give in to him once and it will get a whole lot worse. I speak from experience.

He's pathetic, dump him.

He's treating her like his 15 Yr old daughter with all this young girl crap he hasn't said lol I'm concerned after last time about you getting home safe, is there any other option than you getting the train that late? He's told her he's allowed to go out whenever he wants but she, little woman, will be home when he decides is best for her. At BEST he's a patronising dick

True, if I think about the scenario with myself and my dp; I do think he'd be concerned of I travelled back home through/out of London (or anywhere really) quite late langered from doing shots. ... However his first suggestion if I was going out and likely to do it again, would be that I got a local hotel or stayed with someone. He wouldn't suggest I came home earlier.

I'm wondering why he didn't and it doesn't say good things about him.

*I'm wondering why he didn't suggest that (hotel or stay with someone)

Thanks for all your messages. I just want to make things a bit clearer. I am 23 he is 27, and I look about 20. He doesn’t have a problem with me going out, the only issue is it’s in Clapham Junction. He said if it was somewhere closer to my work or in central London he wouldn’t mind at all.

I don’t really want to get a taxi or a hotel.

He is a really lovely guy I get on so well with him but he is very concerned about my safety. He said he has seen young women getting harassed on trains late at night before. I honestly think his intentions are good.

Is there a reason you don't want to get a taxi?
I don't know Clapham Junc so I can't comment on why that might be an issue for him.
I'm glad from your update that he is a nice guy.
Just watch for controlling behaviours.
But if this is genuine concern could he be invited to join you?
Is that an option?
Then you could travel home together.

He said if it was somewhere closer to my work or in central London he wouldn’t mind at all

It's not up to him to mind though, is it? Be wary, OP. Listen to the posters who've had controlling partners, starting with 'concerns for safety'

But if this is genuine concern could he be invited to join you?
Is that an option?

Slippery slope hellsbellsmelons

Im sorry OP but you are very naive- controlling men make you think how they are acting is chivalrous- it isn't!

A real man does not use the patronising phrase "young girl" or the misogynistic phrase "revealing clothing".

A real decent man may say- hey why not get a cab back or stay with a friend round there so you dont have to come back late.

I'd run for the hills!!!!!!!

23 isn't a young girl...

He isn't really concerned about your safety is he? If he was he'd offer to meet you to accompany you home. Think carefully op and don't marry this man or god forbid have kids with him unless you are very very sure of his motives. Good luck

He said if it was somewhere closer to my work or in central London he wouldn’t mind at all

well thats big of him...seriously if a man said that to me id tell him to f&ck off I wasnt asking for permission

When I was 23 I was in the armed forces and a trained killer

OP, it doesn't sound as if his problem is with the location, he is berating you for drinking, staying out late, and the clothing that you choose to wear. This isn't a Clapham Junction problem, it's a controlling boyfriend problem. You may not be ready to hear this but keep it in mind and be very careful of committing to a man like this.

You make him dinner whenever he returns? Sorry you lost me at that.
Ltb and don't look back.