He won't let me go out

[Dramatica321]

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

We live Nth London /Herts borders

Dd manages events all over London and regularly gets the tube or train home very late at night.

Granted she doesn’t drink and has been at work but I have never been concerned for her safety traveling home as the trains are packed and there is CCTV everywhere.

She is 19.

Unless your bf thinks London is deserted at 10.30/11.30/12.30 at night and the trains are deserted I don’t know what his concern is.

I am presuming he knows full well that you will be perfectly safe.

Nothing wrong with saying don’t drink too much that you have can’t find your way home.
Big problem with saying you can’t go because you are too young

If you split up you could go out every night and he wouldn’t know where you were

He’s controlling. If he was genuinely concerned about how you was getting home you would have had a similar discussion to me and my partner when I’ve gone out further afield and he’s said to me “please babe, screw the cost, get a cab home and let me know your safe” That would be reasonable.

“He said if it was somewhere closer to my work or in central London he wouldn’t mind at all“
It is absolutely nothing to do with him.
OP- please don’t give into him over this. If you do, worse will come.

@JustWonderful exactly, DH would jsit ask if I couldn't stop over with a friend instead.

I am 23 so a grown woman, not a young girl

He said if it was somewhere closer to my work or in central London he wouldn’t mind at all surely he means he wouldn't be concerned. It isn't his place to mind.

he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out that doesn't sound like a lovely guy concerned for you. How often does he flip at you?

and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing

I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that"... why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach so what other kind of stuff??

Leave him

Tell him that your female colleague has offered for you to stay at her place, so he won’t have any concerns for your safety. I think then he will react one of two ways

A- if he is genuinely concerned only for your safety and he isn’t controlling he will be happy about this solution.

B- he won’t won’t you to go because he is truly a controlling ass and has been using “concern” as an excuse to stop you from going out

I don’t really want to get a taxi or a hotel.

Why not, if may ask?

What about staying with a friendly colleague?

They are solutions to his safety concerns (however realistic or not).

@Dramatica321
*I don’t really want to get a taxi or a hotel.

He is a really lovely guy I get on so well with him but he is very concerned about my safety. He said he has seen young women getting harassed on trains late at night before. I honestly think his intentions are good.*

There ARE red flags all over the place in your op.

I know you don’t want to get a taxi or a hotel but could you just say that you are and wait for his reaction?
If he’s alright with it then that’s great, still nothing wrong with you ‘changing your mind’ about that or asking him if he’ll meet you to accompany you home instead and you’ll know he is just worried about your safety.

I suspect he’ll not be okay with it though, then it’s about control, not your safety and you’ll be able to fuck him off and know you’ve dodged a bullet.

He is a really lovely guy I get on so well with him but he is very concerned about my safety

You’re a grown women who is quite capable of risk assessing for herself. Tell him ‘noted’ but you can look after yourself!!

“They are solutions to his safety concerns (however realistic or not)”

It is not up to the OP to solve his “safety concerns”

I grew up a 20min train ride from Kings Cross and I’ve been doing that journey alone late at night and a bit pissed (along with hordes of other people munching kebabs at 1am) since I was 16
His response is controlling, sexist, patronising and frankly creepy. Run away!

Also ‘revealing clothes’!?? Fuck off!
Mark my words, this is the start of the slippery slope where all your friends and family will be ‘a bad influence’ get out while you can.

Also ‘revealing clothes’!?? Fuck off!
Mark my words, this is the start of the slippery slope where all your friends and family will be ‘a bad influence’ angry get out while you can

AGREED!!

You’re a grown women who is quite capable of risk assessing for herself. Tell him ‘noted’ but you can look after yourself!!

Exactly. There are thousands of single 23 year old women having active social lives at nighttime and going home on the train, without some man having any input or control over their plans.

And in what way is he 'not going to let you?' because if he actually physically tried to stop you, this would be assively worrying.

massively, even

It is not up to the OP to solve his “safety concerns"

I understand most posters believe he is actually controlling, and I suspect the same .. however I have pointed out that travelling (and for that matter walking around) pissed at night does present a higher risk for women than men, and so Op should consider her safety full stop. And that includes silly accidents, like the sort that happen when heels, cocktails and kerbs/train steps/stairs etc combine.

That aside, in a decent relationship both partners can occasionally have safety concerns on behalf of their partner and ask them to mitigate them, that's not unreasonable. My uncle is a drinker and had been seriously assaulted and mugged while abroad on a golf trip; obviously he was particularly unlucky but also he had had a target on his arse for a long time due to his drinking and wandering off ... And if my aunt had expressed concerns and asked him to change her s behaviour, it wouldn't have been controlling or unreasonable.
I think the proof of the pudding with ops bf is whether he accepts reasonable solutions to his concerns (which should concern her too to some extent) eg hotel, stay with colleague, he comes and meets her, or at the very least she drinks moderately (which is easy to not stick to).

Just go ffs. You don't need his permission.

OP, seriously, all these people on here are telling you that his behaviour is SCREAMING at them.
Be honest, you know it is wrong too else you wouldn’t have posted on here about it.
You need to start making plans to end this before he steps over the line (and it’s coming).

Actually, young men are at far more risk of attacks than young women. Yet he stays out until 1am and gets so drunk he can't remember the journey home.

Clearly his own risk assessment is appalling so he's in no position to preach to the OP.

The comment about clothing is probably just a reflection of the unfortunate fact that men are even more likely to leer at and possibly harass a "dressed up" female.

Personally for comfort as much as anything else, I would change footwear into flats/fashion sneakers and wear a cover up jacket/coat .. it had the added advantage of avoiding minimising leering and a proper potential sex pest knowing you can move fast if you need to, rather than staggering about on heels.

“I think the proof of the pudding with ops bf is whether he accepts reasonable solutions to his concerns“
No. The proof of the pudding wi be if he accepts her saying simply “Thank you for worrying about me but I’ll be fine”

Actually, young men are at far more risk of attacks than young women.

Not sexual attacks though.

I agree he needs to wise up about his own behaviour and risk taking as well. It also makes him a hypocrite.

My university boyfriend followed me and a friend home once as he was worried about our safety but didn’t want to say anything and be seen as overbearing. He pretended he was out for a walk. Such a lovely guy

Thank you for worrying about me but I’ll be fine”

Unrealistic. In the real world, you'd want some basic ides of what someone you think is taking a risk is doing to mitigate the risk. And as above - that goes two ways. They should both discuss the getting home while drunk and what they'll do to minimise any risk, as I said of accidents as well as harassment/assault.