*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

[CantRememberHoliday]

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

It wasn’t the fact he penetrated me, it was the fact it was without protection. I guess it just felt like loss of control.

But I guess you’re right.

He did something that you didn’t consent too 🙁. You’ve already come through hell and anyone can only cope with so much. I think you need real life support and to remember that if it feels wrong, then it’s wrong. You can only cope with so much and desperately need autonomy over your own body.
Take good care and perhaps spend the day thinking about what you need and whether this relationship measures up

Sorry about what happened to you - have you have any help and counselling to deal with it?
I think - you may be a fit from more of it as it’s clearly still affecting you....
You are in a loving and consensual relationship. And he sounds nice and respectful. And patient too.
I really do think your past is affecting your head here.
You just switched birth control methods. And you clearly gave him consent in that moment. I do think he was in the heat of it all and simply followed your normal routine. It wasn’t a malicious act. Please don’t make him feel bad about it.
Whatever techniques you have with dealing with memory flashbacks - use that.
And hopefully with time you will be triggered less.

She said he could do it with a condom, not without one.

He had no right to do that OP, and I don’t think ‘got carried away’ is at all reasonable an excuse, even if you didn’t have previous trauma. He’s shown himself to be disrespectful of the your boundaries here, and that’s not good. I’m not going to say dump him, although if you want to do that you’re perfectly entitled to considering. What do you want to do?

No she didn’t she said condom and he didn’t he overruled her boundaries and you are blaming yourself because she stopped him when it hurt the night before

I'm sorry this has happened.

Would it be helpful to speak to Rape Crisis and just have some support from them about how you're feeling, what happened and the past?

I don't honestly understand how a guy "not mean to" penetrate you without a condom or your normal consent.

I have spoken to Rape Crisis in the past and think I will do so again. We’re going on holiday with his family today and I don’t want to ruin it

I just feel so conflicted as I’d usually go to him for comfort but he’s the reason I’m upset. He’s apologised again and said “I didn’t think and I know that’s not a good enough excuse”

I don’t know if I should just force myself to be normal with him, I feel hurt but at the same time I’m worried I’m overreacting and I’ll upset him.

Hang on, you shouldn't be worried about upsetting him - he's fucked up badly here - he should feel upset. Don't worry about protecting his feelings, he needs to address it.

I didn’t know if I was overreacting as some previous posters almost suggested that

Exactly he ignored your consent and boundaries for what?

I think this stems back to the original rape and how my ‘friends’ had let the lad spike me and take me back to his hotel as they knew I was sentimental and waiting for the right person. Then the next day told me I should just suck it up as it was done now

Sorry, I didn’t explain it well. They made me feel like I was overreacting and so I feel like I’m doing the same again

Christ OP, you had shit friends . I hope they're out of your life now?

He knows to wait until you say you're ready, and he knows he needs to wear a condom. He screwed up badly.

He ignored your boundaries. Also- why is he asking for anal again when you've already tried it before and had to stop due to pain? Him 'cuddling' up to you after wilfully inflicting pain on you for a second time isn't loving or caring.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and the lack of support you've had. You are definitely it overreacting about the incident with your boyfriend - you only consented to sex with a a condom, he ignored that. He didn't have your consent for what he did.

You are certainly not over reacting. You gave him consent with a condom. You did not give him consent to proceed without one, how dare he risk getting you pregnant? And he just trampled all over your boundaries. I would be making it very clear to him how angry i am and that 'getting carried away' is absolutely no excuse.

No, I’m no longer friends with those friends as comments on my previous thread helped me see how toxic they were.

I don’t know how to explain to him why I’m so upset without essentially saying he assaulted me

But you DID say he could it. You sent him for a condom. You need more professional help hun.

You need to read more carefully. She did NOT say he could have sex with her WITHOUT A CONDOM.

You’re not wrong to feel violated, what he did was totally out of order.

Talk about boundaries, and how he didn't stick to your agreements about sex.

But he did assault you. You gave him consent to proceed with a condom on. You did not give him consent to penetrate you without one. Therefore by going ahead without a condom, he penetrated you without your consent. That is assault.
I'm sorry .
Maybe speak to rape crisis before trying to explain to him. They could help you get your thoughts in order.

Have you considered taking the morning after pill?

^ That too.