*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

[CantRememberHoliday]

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

OP why is it you doing all the running around trying to find a type of condom that will allow him to orgasm?

And I can't help but wonder whether you orgasm through penetration, with or without a condom. Obviously you don't have to answer that! But I'm wondering - quite aside from the whole violating you aspect (which is of course a pretty major deal) what you're really getting out of this, if anything.

Don't waste your precious young years on a manipulative prat like him. You sound like you feel like you somehow owe him sex. Is he attentive to your sexual needs? We've already heard he's so impatient he trod all over your boundaries.

I don't buy the idea of a young man - still in his teens - in his first sexual relationship, not being able to come through intercourse. I can only imagine he's desensitised himself with death-grip wanking to porn, which is also where he's picked up his keenness to do anal.

I think this stems back to the original rape and how my ‘friends’ had let the lad spike me and take me back to his hotel as they knew I was sentimental and waiting for the right person. Then the next day told me I should just suck it up as it was done now

In all my years on MN (since you were a toddler!! God that makes me OLD) I don’t think I’ve read a post that shocked me so much - what utterly vile people. ‘Friends’ that enabled a rapist to drug & rape you because you were ‘waiting’ for the right person. They should be prosecuted too - VILE people.

I’m not sure what to say about your BF, as I think it could go either way really - none of us know him. Yes, you did say to get the condominium then you could have sex, but in the heat of the moment and being used to waiting for you to say it was ok to have sex, I can understand how someone might just register ‘it’s ok to have sex’ and carry on - on the other hand he hates condoms so might have deliberately chosen not to use one & that’s unacceptable, totally and IF it was deliberate then you have every right to feel violated. Assuming neither of you want a baby right now - I guess he’d be expecting you to have an abortion if you were to get pregnant? How do you feel about that?

As for sex with condoms, it’s not uncommon for men not to be able to ‘finish’ but you can have sex then finish another way or look at other contraception. Have you looked at a diaphram?

Also re the anal, I don’t think it was out of order for him to ‘ask’ if you could try again just because it didn’t work out the first time. It’s something though that most women need to build up to (lots of online advice) IF it’s something YOU want to do - but don’t be pressured into it. It can feel really good, but it can cause issues too. You need to read more IF YOU want to consider it. If you don’t then tell him not to ask again because the answer will be NO.

First of all you need to decide how YOU feel about what happened. You know him, no one here does

Keep looking after yourself and prioritise yourself, not his orgasm

🌷

It’s something though that most women need to build up to (lots of online advice)

But why? Why should any woman have to build up to? Why should any woman feel the need to give a man sexual pleasure by doing something they have to work up to? I’m obviously too old for this, because I think women have a perfectly good piece of anatomy for a man to put his penis in. Jesus, porn has a lot to answer for!

Why should any woman have to build up to? Why should any woman feel the need to give a man sexual pleasure by doing something they have to work up to?

Totally agree with this. “No, I don’t want to do that” should be enough to stop any decent man from asking.

Thanks for all your support.
On the surface, everything seems to be normal between up but it doesn’t feel it. I don’t even know how to word it to him about how I feel

It’s something though that most women need to build up to (lots of online advice) IF it’s something YOU want to do - but don’t be pressured into it

Saying "most women need to build up to this" is creating pressure.

It's saying "keep trying it; you might learn to like it."

It's saying "persist even if it's unpleasant and uncomfortable."

Adding "but only do it if YOU want to do it!" doesn't take away the pressure. Not when you're talking about something that you freely admit most women are not initially going to enjoy.

OP doesn't like anal. She's tried it twice despite her misgivings. Stop telling her she could learn to like it if she just tried it properly.

OP you've got "back to normal" right alongside "don't know how to broach the subject of him trashing my sexual boundaries." Is that your normal?

I'd have dumped him for the 'let's try anal' after the first time when it hurt. Cannot abide all this pressure or insistence of fucking anal when you know damn well they'd never let you peg them! Tried it once and didn't like it, don't ask again, case closed. As for the 'I got carried away' just nope.

I meant he was acting normal and I was on the surface. He thinks everything is okay

OP, it's a lot to take in that your boyfriend, who you started off thinking had behaved perfectly towards you, is perhaps not the nice man you thought he was. But it sounds like you've come to that conclusion by yourself just from some of the things you've said since your first post. The main thing is, do you now trust him when it comes to respecting your boundaries? Do you think that, if you ask, he'll wear a condom without making a big deal out of it or trying to get away with not doing so? If you say no to something that you don't want to do, will you feel obliged to do something else the next time, even if it's something you're not comfortable with? If you're being honest with yourself, do you enjoy sex with him - do you find it pleasurable?

I don’t get anything out of PIV but do enjoy other things, this took a while too, which is why I though he was being so great. As at first I just didn’t really feel anything, I guess. I’m not sure if that’s because of previous trauma or not.

Oh, OP. This world has done such a number on your head. I am so sorry.

He thinks everything is okay.

He RAPED YOU and he thinks everything is okay.

I am sorry to use the r-word; I know it's hard to hear and harder to accept. But you know it on some level, you know that's the word for the violation you've experienced.

It is so very far from okay.

The reason I am asking about whether you enjoy PIV is this:

PIV happens with a condom = neither party orgasms.
PIV happens without a condom = he orgasms.

You have been trying to train yourself to endure and find some enjoyment in PIV for his orgasm.

That's the only purpose of this particular sex act in this case. His orgasm. His wants. His supposed needs.

You have been running all around the houses trying to cater to his expectation of PIV.

You do not have to do this.

You do not ever have to have PIV ever again if you don't want to, if it doesn't work for you.

The world has told you that PIV is a prerequisite for a relationship with a man, hasn't it? You've absorbed that message every day since you were old enough to understand what PIV is.

It's a phallocentric view of sex, it's all about catering to men's desires, and you're expected to submit and find a way to make it work for you.

You do not have to submit to this.

OP please read tyrotoxicity post I think from reading what you have said he is grooming you he slipped here but will work to get you back

This isn’t how relationships should be at all

It feels so different to last time, almost worse.
Although there’s no physical pain or bleeding like last time it feels like all the time we’ve spent together has been a lie.

But I don’t want to overreact and I don’t know how I’d explain to anyone if we broke up. I just want him to make it right but I don’t know how, he’s done it and it can’t be undone.

He can't make it right, it is rape. You are not overreacting and you don't have to say anything to anyone. It's your business. Also, it doesn't matter what people think, why stay in an abusive relationship because other people may have stupid opinions? Just leave, because he can never fix it. take it from someone with multiple experiences x

for you OP. It makes me so sad to think of you enduring all this sex that you weren't enjoying, and thinking it was somehow your problem, that your previous experiences have made you incapable of enjoying it. You may find that you can in the future, but in the meantime you shouldn't be forcing yourself to do it, and your boyfriend clearly isn't bothering himself to help you. He gets to have PIV and he doesn't even care that you're getting nothing out of it. Has he even tried?

As for what other people think, that's not your problem. If you want to end a relationship, you just do it. If anyone asks why, you just say "It wasn't really working out". You're only 20, there's nothing odd or unusual about it.

It feels so different to last time, almost worse.

Yes, it does. Because you trusted him - you trusted him with your body and you trusted him with the knowledge of the trauma you have already suffered.

And he has repaid that trust by using his knowledge of your previous trauma to his own advantage.

It is an enormously difficult thing to trust anyone with your body when you've experienced sexual trauma. It's to your credit that you were able to do this at all.

We make ourselves incredibly vulnerable when we do this. To have that vulnerability exploited and abused is a horrendous betrayal of trust. Realising our trust was misplaced hurts.

He wasn't a stranger using your body to satisfy his own sexual urges. He's a person you loved and trusted, whom you honestly believed cared about you - and he used your body to satisfy his own sexual urges.

I've been there. It's fucking horrible.

As for overreacting... Frankly I think you could set him on fire and it wouldn't be an overreaction. Anyone who tells you you're overreacting is telling you that you should consider staying with someone who violated you.

You don't have to explain anything to anyone when you break up with him. But if you want a short and simple phrase, I would suggest: "He didn't respect my sexual boundaries." Just that. You don't have to explain any more than that if you don't want to.

Lastly - it is un fair to victims of rape to call what happened rape.

As a rape victim three times over, I am A-OK with calling this instance of penetration-without-consent "rape".

Because that is the literal definition of rape.

I would also add that it is unfair to victims of rape to tell them that their experiences of penetration-without-consent do not constitute rape.

Lastly - it is un fair to victims of rape to call what happened rape.
It really isn’t.

Don’t vilify your bf

She consented to sex on the condition that he wore a condom. He didn’t. That negated her earlier consent.

Your trauma is not going to go away. It will always be there. I know. I've been through something similar.

I would like to give you a very un-Mumsnetty hug.

I would like to say very clearly, you are not overreacting. At all.

You need someone who will be patient and understanding. You need someone to understand your boundaries and to observe them.

I get so tired of seeing people 'victim' blame. I really do.

"Well, you shouldn't be in a relationship if you don't want people to stick their dick in you without your consent."
"Well, it's your trauma and you're clearly transferring that onto your BF."
"Please don't admonish him."
"Please don't dare to put the blame on a man."

I get sick of seeing it!!!!! I find it astounding that people are so willing to put the needs of a survivor (not a victim) of rape to the bottom of the fucking list.

It's not right! You and your boundaries OP are what matter most here. You have told him what happened. You have told him you need to take things slow and with very clear consent. He has broken your trust and ignored your boundaries.

Now, if you genuinely feel he made a mistake and can move past that. That's up to you.
If you feel he has betrayed your trust and there's no repairing that, that's also up to you.

I suggest you take some time to think by yourself whilst you are apart. See how you feel.