*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

[CantRememberHoliday]

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

I think being single and concentrating on you is the best plan now (it doesn’t matter if others are in relationships, you’re not missing out). Return anything he sends you. Sell his Christmas present. Cut all ties. What he did was unacceptable and to say ‘I wasn’t thinking’ is bullshit! You’re starting to see his true colours! Take are of you!

care*

No!!!! Stop it. He fucking choked you??

No love.

You KNOW it's not right. Who gives a flying fuck if the people around you happen to be coupled up. That could change in a instant. And you never know what other people's relationships are like behind closed doors ( as you know! )
I'm 33. Met my boyfriend (now dh) at uni at 18 and if he EVER put hid hands around my neck during sex without discussing it with me first ( I'd say no thanks btw) I would have dumped his arse without a second bloody thought.
The fact he knows what you went through actually makes this all the worse and tbh I feel is on par with the incident that upset you.

Please don't weaken. Know your worth.

There are millions of men out there.

( I'd also keep the pressie if you love it and give zero fucks about any guilt or loyalty towards him but if it will make you feel worse keeping it then do what's best for you ) 💐💐💐

What he did was unforgivable after what you had been through. He just decided Oh fuck this. Hateful person.

Oh goodness OP you need counselling and time and get rid of this guy. Of course there are things you will miss but this is not a healthy relationship and he said he would give you space and he sent you a really expensive gift he is manipulating you even if he is a teenager with no experience. Please take time for yourself don’t compare yourself to others relationships this is your life, look after it xxx

Step away from Mumsnet. I can almost feel the threads pressure levels bursting out of my phone.

Think just about how you feel and what you want.

If you want never to see him again then don’t.
If you want to give him a chance and accept his apology then do.

You can always change your mind later. Just go with how you feel right now.

Give him a chance ?
NO WAY

Had not seen the Op update at 315 ... xpost .

OP ... listen to the posters here .

PLEASE do not get back with this bf.

So what if you have Christmas presents.... it is only stuff . If he takes choking too far .... they will still be stuff .

DBML
He tried to choke her! Have you read the updated posts!

If he takes choking too far .... they will still be stuff
AND.... you could be dead.
Don't be statistic OP.
You've come so far.
Don't 'settle' for any of this awful behaviour.

Setting aside the other stuff for a moment you are settling. So your flat mates as couples so what doesn’t mean you can’t do stuff with them

And just tell them you broke up. The reasons why don’t matter relationships especially at your age don’t always last. This is all perfectly normal stuff (this side of it at least)

I think you held so much hope about saving yourself you are hanging onto this

Another adding her voice to the chorus advising you to get counseling to build up your self esteem so you can see him for what he is.
Read other threads on MN relationship board (not aibu), to see that often, very often, MN posters can see through the bullshit much more clearly than the op, and often, over time, the op comes back with a dawning realisation of what others have been saying. I think your situation is one of those.

I guess you’re probably right, since I’ve been away from him I feel like he’s genuinely sorry though. Before I left he asked if he could tell his therapist (he’s been having some therapy for depression and anxiety) and also asked whether I’d be up for some sort of couples counselling if she could suggest anything.

I feel like he wouldn’t tell his therapist if he didn’t want to change. But also my whole family is away (as they thought I would be too) so I’ve had a lot of time to just sit here and think.

Sweetheart why would you need couples counselling with somebody you've been with for less than a year, at 20 years old?

He's the only person you've chosen to have sex with and your first love, it's going to be hard to walk away but you're 20. He's 19. You should be having amazing fun together and you're not. It's all very intense and you both have a lot of things to fix individually.

He has violated you in multiple ways and you deserve so much better.

If you want to stay with him he has to change. A LOT.

He is acting genuinely sorry.

Why does he think you need couples counselling - what things are you supposed to have done wrong that you need to change? Certainly I think he needs to speak to his own counsellor and get to a place where he understands why what he did was wrong, as at the moment I'm not sure that he really appreciates the full extent of that. And I think counselling is important for you too, but the pair of you together? It seems like far too much for a first relationship.

Hey...OP choose you! Hold your head very high. Be proud of your strength and ability to overcome what you have and remember you have recognised his behaviour and done something about it. You have protected yourself and you can continue to do that with pride. You are not helpless or hopeless, you are intelligent and full of potential with a bright future ahead. Stand up OP and choose you!

I think it sounds as if you both need to have some good councelling and become stronger in yourselves before either of you have a relationship.

The stuff he wanted to do sexually is on a par of what Ive sadly seen too many young men think of as normal sex. And it does sound as if he has caused himself sexual dysfunction with the porn. This may or may not be him pushing boundaries, even though to us oldies on here it is way beyond what we would think of as a normal part of sex.

The disregard of boundaries is a no no though, especially when you were explicit. As is the emotional blackmail to try to keep you from leaving - all the talk of remorse / will stay forever without sex / sending presents / counples counselling.

Clumsy and needy and emotionally immature. He is a kid. He is also playing in an adults world and needs to grow up PDQ that he cannot behave this way. But that is for him to figure out with his therapist, not you.

You have been through trauma, you need kind and supportive help. You need to rebuild your self worth and gently deal with what has happened to you. You dont need to be having anyone elses issues to deal with on top, and that boy has a barrowful of issues.

These early day relationships are supposed to be fun. Easy. Carefree. They are supposed to add to your life, not drain you. Joint counselling is for when youve been 10 years married and are playing 'who's tiredest' when baby no 2 is keeping you up all night. Not now.

Take care of yourself

OP you are not a married couple of 20 odd years (even so I would recommend leaving not counselling) but a 19 year old and 20 year old whose relationship is over. None of your friends will give it a moments thought

Please work on yourself and your own boundaries and expectations

I remember reading your thread at the time and my heart broke for you. I'm so sorry you're in a situation you're not comfortable with again

In this scenario, you made a verbal contract and he broke that by doing something you said you didn't want to do - you did not consent to it. I do think this is a typical case of toxic masculinity at its finest though and likely the result of young men watching porn without someone hammering home that consent is a must, prior discussions with your partner is a must and not everyone wants condom-free sex or being choked. That being said, his toxic masculinity is not your issue!

There are men out there that will not do this. Please see help in the places that PPs have suggested, know that you are brave and you can get through this. Work on yourselves separately, you're young and although it's an experience doing couples things with uni, focus on you and make sure you're at one with who you are and what you've experienced as that's more important.

For the PP who said OP was vilifying her partner, I do hope you don't have sons. Please read about consent FFS! There's a great Instagram account called 'Giving The Talk' if you're so clueless, maybe you could learn something whilst you're at it?

OP, I feel like you're going to let this man come back so, even though I think it would be a bad idea and you would be doing it for all the wrong reasons, I just wanted to urge you to have a proper conversation with him about all the things you've told us about on this thread.

For example - does he still think that you left because of that one incident with the condom (or lack of it)? He needs to be aware that it's also to do with the hitting, the choking, the insistence on anal even though he knew it hurt you, the reluctance to wear condoms at all, the fact that you do PIV for him and don't get anything out of it yourself. I would add to that the emotional immaturity and the fact that he isn't personally equipped to help you recover your own sexuality. And it should be clear to him that if he makes just one more slip-up then he's gone for good. I feel slightly sick typing that, because who knows what another slip-up might be for a porn-sick man like him - hair-pulling, rough PIV, another attempt at anal.

I really hope you won't be giving him another chance, but if you do, then please put those firm boundaries in place before you let him anywhere near you again.

I did discuss the anal with him but not the other things I only remembered when I really thought