*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

[CantRememberHoliday]

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you broke up with him. He has violated your boundaries and is 100% the one in the wrong. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this after everything you’ve already been through, but I would advise not staying in this relationship. He hasn’t listened to you and is taking no care to respect your boundaries whatsoever. He may not have done it with intention but that doesn’t minimise his absolute disregard for your wellbeing. This was sexual assault, you specified a condom must be used and he didn’t honour that. He should be ashamed of himself

MMmomDD legally is very much is. There has been a real push to get the concept that consenting to safe sex with a condom is not consenting to sex without (and the std and pregnancy risks attached). Consent is very much a layered process she consenting to one thing clearly he took it on himself to do another.

For me what he has done eroding and pushing her boundaries is equally bad albeit different

I'm not happy with this at all.

If you say yes to sex with a condom, it has to be with a condom. Without a condom is without consent. Without consent is rape.

Anal - you don't have to do it. You don't have to accept it. You don't have to want it. If you do, negotiate. If you don't, say no. Always. If he pressures you about it, he's abusive.

He's 19 and inexperienced. But he's an adult and he knows right from wrong. He's doing wrong.

You don't need this 'boyfriend'. If you're on holiday with his family, come home!

Say whatever you like to people about why the relationship ended, if it does. You are under no obligation to cover up his behaviour.

Lastly - it is un fair to victims of rape to call what happened rape.

How bloody dare you? How dare you set yourself up as an arbitrator of whether or not a woman is raped! The OP decides that, not you!

I'm not on the pill, so I use condoms with my DH. If he goes as far as thinking of introducing his penis in my vagina without a condom, he knows all hell will break loose. That's a huge lack of respect.

We’ve talked for hours tonight as we didn’t go out for dinner and everyone else did. He cried, I cried and he’s said he has realised how bad it is and that what happens next is completely up to me (obviously).

He said even if I want space or I want him to leave me alone he’d wait. He also said he’ll stay with me even if I never want to have sex again as he wants to be with me over that.

I’m going to stay on the holiday and see how I feel and then take the space where we’re apart. The next time we’ll see each other is my 21st birthday so don’t know how all this will affect that. I’m going to take everything at my pace and if he so much as suggests anything I’m done. But I’d like to try for now, hoping that doesn’t make me a mug

It might make you a mug; it might make you an optimist. Personally I think it's an indication that you're human.

It's possible he is genuinely remorseful and will learn from this experience. Given how much you've already invested, I can see why you want to believe him. It is of course up to you whether you wish to give him another chance.

But do be aware of what giving him another chance means.

He has violated your boundaries - whether intentionally or not does not matter - and you are proposing to show him that you are willing to accept and forgive this, simply because he has cried and said it won't happen again.

Maybe he's right. Maybe it won't.

But what if it does?

Do you want to take that chance?

I think I’m going to take each day at a time and see how I feel. I don’t want to be pressured into making decisions when my head isn’t in the right place

He didn't respect your boundaries at all. This is a massive red flag. He is showing you who he is, take notice.

Understandable, OP, and I do apologise for any pressure my words have caused. Know that they come from a place of compassion, at least.

You've got a lot to think about; by all means take your time and weigh things up. Just be mindful of how your weightings may be skewed in ways that don't do you many favours long-term.

I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do.

He said even if I want space or I want him to leave me alone he’d wait. He also said he’ll stay with me even if I never want to have sex again as he wants to be with me over that
He's sure got his patter down right hasn't he?

So basically, you can do 'what you want' so long as you keep it in the back of your head that he's not going to let you go?
He's still making out it's your attitude to sex that is a problem - cos look, he cares about SO much that he's prepared to sacrifice his whole SEX life to be with you......

What a shame he couldn't sacrifice a few seconds of his time to put a condom on that last time....

I hope you don't fall for his shite.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I wanted to say two things. You can break up with him any time for any reason. That’s your right. Also, remember actions speak louder than words. He may say the right things, but make sure his actions match what he is saying to you.

I still think the Freedom Programme would help you OP, give it some thought, please? I really hope you won't take this as a criticism but I think some of us are seeing things in your posts which aren't obvious to you because you're in the middle of it. Arming yourself with a bit more knowledge by doing the course can only put you in a stronger position.

Don't be afraid to come back here either, I think a lot of posters feel like if they don't immediately take the advice given here it means they can't come back if they need to but it's not the case at all. Your eyes are open now and you will be on your guard so come back and talk to us if you feel uneasy again

Thanks everyone, I haven’t had much sleep.
I’ll see how today goes .

One minute I want to end it and exercise the control I have left as I didn’t last time (refused medical examination even though they were called by the hotel etc). Sometimes I really regret not standing up for myself and reporting him but I couldn’t face going over it again and again.

The next minute I want it all to be just a bad dream and I want to tell myself it never happened but it did

I’ll consider the freedom programme in the time we have apart after this holiday. I know that before I met him I would always accept more from dates (e.g. being messed around with timings, being cancelled on) and ‘friends’ than others would. I would fall back into the same pattern of being messed around or controlled so I agree it would be helpful. I thought he was different but maybe I’ve just done the same thing again.

I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to continue with the holiday when what you really need is some time to yourself to work out what you really feel and what you want to do about it. I'm sure your boyfriend will spend the next few days or weeks being extra nice to you - but I also think he said whatever he needed to say to stop you from leaving. A 19 year old man in his first real relationship is not realistically going to be happy to never have sex again, and it was an immature response to a situation that he had no idea how to handle. You're now treating the holiday as something that you need to get through so that you can get to that point where you have some breathing space before your birthday. Why not bring it forward and allow yourself to have it now? It doesn't mean you HAVE to break up with him, but I don't see how you're going to be able to think about it properly when he's there with you, being Boyfriend of the Year on his best behaviour.

I thought he was different but maybe I’ve just done the same thing again.

Perhaps you have - but don't beat yourself up about it.

Trauma and abuse mess with your head, with your perceptions and expectations of what's normal and what's acceptable. (Even without trauma, growing up female in this world has a similar effect.) We learn from the experience, yes - but that so often means we've just set our bar for reasonable behaviour a little bit higher than it was. It doesn't mean we've set it high enough. It can take a long time (and a lot of shit relationships and experiences) before we get there.

I think there is some merit in the idea of sacking off the holiday and getting some breathing space now. Primarily it's that you need space to think, but it would also be illuminating to see how he reacts, I think. He's told you he's happy to give you all the space you need, and you need this space, so he ought to be 100% supportive of the idea. And if he's not, well, that's useful data for you to consider going forward, isn't it?

I think most of the comments here people forget how young the OP and her bf are....
She had a trauma as a teenager and he is still a teenager.
And it’s their first real physical relationship.
So - expecting them to be mature and experienced is unrealistic.
Equally - treating the boy - and he is the boy - as some seasoned villain who was out to hurt her is also grossly unfair.
He was stupid and young and eager. And made a mistake. Not malicious.
He is also clearly way over his head and not equipped to help OP. Not the way she is now.
And - frankly - no boy she dates will be equipped - until she deals with her past with a help of a professional. And until she starts healing.

OP - your last post shows how much unresolved issues you have from your trauma. The latest event triggered your past. Ok - it wasn’t a great thing he did - but in a healthier relationship - it wouldn’t become this massively dramatic issue it has became for you. Two teenagers, having sex, switching contraception method, one misunderstanding, or forgetting, or not hearing.... In a different relationship you’d have told him off and moved on.

But you are referring to losing and not exercising control back then. And wanting/needing to do it now.
It’s clear that you NEED to deal with the past. Or else - you would keep getting into situations in the future where loss of control - real OR perceived - would make you enter a tailspin. And it’s not a way to live.
You can’t have your future sexual partners walk on eggshells constantly. And you can’t always be on a heightened state of alert.
And before everybody jumps in and say - but he did it, he did it...
None of us has been there in that moment. And some benefit of the doubt can be applied to his intentions. He has been a good bf to her and tried hard to understand and support. So give him at least a small benefit, assume for a second that maybe he did make an unintentional mistake.
Because it is also very clear how hurt and damaged OP is by the past. And that MUST colour her perceptions and reactions.

OP - for your sake - I do hope you come back and find a counsellor that can help you.
It doesn’t matter what happens woot the bf. There will be others.
Just get help for yourself. Life is too long to carry this damage through it. With time and help - it should get easier.

They are both very young, but he seems to know exactly what to say to the OP, yet his actions don't really match his words. This does make him come across as manipulative and is a definite red flag for abusive behavior. I think it's very concerning. I don't expect him to be super-mature, but there is a lack of sincerity.

So give him at least a small benefit, assume for a second that maybe he did make an unintentional mistake.

He accidentally stuck his dick in her without a condom? Ok! Really!?

I'd like to say that i haven't suffered from a sexual assault and if a man put his penis in me knowing that it was condoms only, then i would be bloody furious. Especially if i had tried the pill 'for him' and it had not agreed with me. The OP now has to take a MAP due to his selfishness, so more hormones that won't agree with her. Never mind her previous rape, that alone is worthy of considering ending the relationship. His wants are not more important than her boundaries.

He was stupid and young and eager. And made a mistake. Not malicious.

I'm inclined to agree - but OP needs to understand that, when it comes to her reaction and response, his intention isn't relevant.

Obviously it is relevant when wondering whether he's redeemable or not. But in terms of OP being discombobulated by the experience - it doesn't matter whether he meant it or not; what matters is the effect his actions have had.

And that came across very strongly in her very first post. She didn't know to feel - because she's trying to reconcile "this has totally knocked me sideways" with "but he didn't mean it so it's not a big deal".

It's a big deal whether he meant it or not, because OP's found it very upsetting and difficult.

(Sorry to talk about you in the third person, OP.)

I remember your thread.
This boyfriend is not respecting your boundaries.

Sorry had not read the full thread .
He might have been genuinely remorseful.

Be wary though.
Perhaps the break until your 21st will be good for you both.

I don't think a great deal of maturity or experience are needed to realise that boundaries are going to be pretty important to OP considering what she's been through. All bf had to do was listen and not do stuff OP had asked him not to, I don't think that comes under 'walking on eggshells'!

It's a pretty basic requirement to be able to trust your partner, regardless of your history, and making bf out to be blameless here is just putting more on the OP's shoulders, in fact it's almost victim blaming. I'm not disagreeing that counselling/therapy could help OP, I just don't think her reaction here is a symptom of that, it's actually pretty healthy to be wary of someone who pushes or breaks your boundaries.

Just because your young doesn't excuse any of this. No it wasn't a violent rape but rape isn't always violent.
19 year old know what consent bloody is. This young argument is absolute horseshit. That allows people to get away with absolutely abhorrent shit. Do I think he's violent, no not yet. But because he's young does that excuse his behavior, make it okay? A safe environment? Fuck no

I think what Josuk has said makes sense.