I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.
Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).
I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.
Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.
This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.
He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.
Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.