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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

222 replies

CantRememberHoliday · 31/08/2019 10:20

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

OP posts:
FatherFintanFay · 03/09/2019 21:51

I think we're agreed that this guy isn't one of the good ones. I do think, however, that choking, slapping, and anal are activities that would have been considered very niche 20 years ago, and certainly not something you'd have expected to do as a matter of routine. They're now things that younger men seem to think are standard and that they don't even need to ask before they do them. That has to have come from somewhere. It's not particularly unusual to see porn that's labelled as "sensual" or "loving" or "for women", with no BDSM tags, where the man suddenly starts slapping the woman's chest and stomach while he's thrusting. If that's what passes as vanilla these days, I hate to think what messages are being absorbed by young people who have been watching that stuff for years before they even go near another real person.

I am just sad that the OP has been reduced, as a pp said, to thinking that repeated and deliberate violation of her boundaries is on par with someone eating the last biscuit.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 04/09/2019 09:37

Think I’m just going to focus on uni and hope I don’t see him again once I’m there. It’s so important that my head’s in the right place as I’m going into my 3rd year of vet med so can’t let anything slip.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 04/09/2019 10:02

I wish you well,OP. You ARE strong and brave and a good soul no matter what. You are a survivor and not a victim. You are caring and have a potential to love despite what happened to you. You listened to your gut and you took a stand for your principles. I don't know if your BF is young,selfish and naive or a rookie sex criminal but well done for leaving the vacay.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 10:19

Gosh OP.
So sorry you are going through this.
You've been through enough already.
But the more you write about him the worse he sounds.
Anal, chocking, spanking, penetration without consent.
Can't come wearing a condom (death grip from watching too much porn)
None of it is OK.
Your feelings are totally valid.
Please do the Freedom Programme asap.
And also get back in touch with Rape Crisis and have some specialist counselling.
Reach out and get the support you deserve.
Don't battle through it all on your own.
You are such a strong and amazing women but you need to look after yourself and your mental health too.
Concentrate on you and getting professional help.

MMmomDD · 04/09/2019 10:41

OP - you still need to try to deal with your trauma. Just ignoring it won’t help you, it will keep coming back.
Have you ever tried asking a GP for a referral to counselling team?
You mentioned calling support hotline - but that’s a one off.
You need a series of sessions to talk to a professional about it, process and try to heal.
I hope you do.

AnneKipanki · 04/09/2019 11:58

The university will have a counselling team .

FatherFintanFay · 04/09/2019 12:00

Does your uni have any counselling services you might be able to access?

I can completely understand that you don't want to derail your future because of what other people have done to you. It's probably sensible to keep your focus on your work and not get involved in any relationships just for now. But I agree with the pp that you might need some help to address the trauma before you do get involved again. I think you've probably brushed off your feelings of unease when this man did things that you didn't like by saying "Oh, I'm probably overreacting because of what happened in the past", when really your instincts were correct and you would have been right to trust them. There were posters earlier in the thread who were telling you more or less the same thing, which is sadly an attitude you will come up against in life as well as online. That's why it's important to speak to someone who actually knows what they're talking about and can help you work through it all.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 14:21

My uni does have counselling, yes.
He’s sent me something worth hundreds of pounds that he’d bought me for my birthday and a note that says he doesn’t expect any reply or acknowledgement Sad

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 14:33

How does that make you feel?
Confused?
I bet .

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 14:33

Well do not acknowledge it .

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 14:35

Do you want to keep it ?

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 14:41

Forgot to add, he sent the receipt too incase I wanted to exchange it for something that “didn’t have bad feelings attached”. It seems he bought it a while ago though so I don’t have a long time to decide.

To be honest, objectively I love it but I don’t know if I should accept it

OP posts:
FatherFintanFay · 06/09/2019 14:49

I wouldn't worry about whether or not you should accept it - if you like it, and you think you'll be able to use it without feeling bad, then keep it. It seems like something calculated to make you feel guilty, though - did he include the receipt so you could swap it, or so that you'd see how much it cost?

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 14:54

I’m not sure tbh, I think he’d know that I would know the cost without a receipt. It’s something I’d mentioned before in a casual way e.g. “I found a watch I loved in goldsmiths but I couldn’t expect my parents to get me that so I’m going to look for similar in Warren James” for example. But the item isn’t a watch but is a well known brand.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 14:56

And that wasn’t me hinting at him when I mentioned it, he’d just asked what I’d been doing that day, or something similar. I’d said it in an off hand way as it was just so extravagant.

He’s bought me an item from the same brand but slightly different.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 06/09/2019 15:07

I think it might be better to return the gift and receipt. Say it was very kind and thoughtful of him but you don’t want to keep it.

BBBear · 06/09/2019 15:08

I would send it back to him, OP. It doesn’t sound like this is a good relationship for you, and you don’t want the reminder/guilt of this present hanging around.

If you were my daughter I would advise that you finish with him (tell him you are finished) and get stuck into your uni work.

You’ve got years to find the right partner for you, and take time to discover yourself and your own sexuality.

An immature 19 year old might not be the best person to deal with the trauma you experienced. As everyone else has said he seems to only care about his own orgasms.

There’s no harm in waiting a few years before you look for another relationship - maybe someone with more sexual experience would be more understanding.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 15:13

I think I’m finding it hard to break it off as we have a few weekends away planned and I’ve bought all his Christmas presents already etc.
I feel like I’m giving up all the experiences too, everyone in my house at uni is in a relationship and we’d usually do stuff as couples so I’d probably lose my friends too if we broke up... or be a 3rd wheel 5 times over.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 15:15

What are your thoughts?

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 15:16

Stop thinking about the things you have planned because he ruined them.

He clearly doesn't believe you're still together if he sent your present a few weeks early.

Don't acknowledge the present. Don't have any more contact with him. He knows it's over.

BBBear · 06/09/2019 15:17

And his response of ‘I want to be with you even if we never have sex again’ is bullshit and shows just how immature he is. No 19 year old is going to commit to a lifetime of no sex. He’s only saying it to make you stay with him. He doesn’t mean it.

BBBear · 06/09/2019 15:19

Cancel the weekends away or go with a friend.
Take back the presents (or exchange if you can’t get a refund).

Do you think all your flat mates are going to stay in their current relationships forever? Probably not. Do you think they would stay in a bad relationship just because all their friends are? I really hope not.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2019 15:23

One’s been with her boyfriend since she was 15 and the rest have been together over 2 years and seem pretty strong. They also really like my boyfriend and consider him a friend (I think). After the way my old friends reacted, I’m worried to be honest.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 06/09/2019 15:25

Please don’t endure being miserable just so you can be in a couple. Seriously. You’re short-changing yourself.

You were once a girl who was waiting for the right one, but she got lost. I’d go and speak to a councillor about finding yourself and building your confidence. You’ve got a great future ahead of you as a vet, don’t compromise, please.

FatherFintanFay · 06/09/2019 15:40

I agree with pp, he clearly doesn't think you're still a couple because he's sending you your birthday present weeks early and telling you you can return it if it has bad feelings attached. If he thought you were together, wouldn't he have given you the gift when he saw you on your actual birthday?

You can't really think it's a good idea to stay in a relationship just because all your friends are in one and you don't want to be left out. You're an intelligent person. And even if it seems like everyone else is part of a couple and that they're in it for the long term, I can guarantee they won't all be together for life. I'm an old git now, and of all the people I knew who were in relationships at uni, only one of them lasted beyond graduation.

Hopefully, your friends care about you and wouldn't want you to be in a relationship with a man who violates your boundaries just because they considered him to be a friend. If they say anything that indicates otherwise, they're not real friends.