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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

222 replies

CantRememberHoliday · 31/08/2019 10:20

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 01/09/2019 16:27

Good, OP, head home.

Please don't let posters blag you into thinking this was just 'youthful enthusiasm'. He knows what he's done, that's why he's crying.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/09/2019 16:48

I keep doing a full 180, one minute I’m fine and the next I’m not
Your whole system is still in shock OP.
Your mind/consciousness is probably experiencing a form of cognitive dissonance which is why you think your're ok one minute and then the compete opposite the next.

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012
The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."

Have a read around this subject and it will help you understand what you're experiencing.

You need time away from him to be able to get your head around the whole thing.
This is why i don't think it's a good idea to go on holiday with him.
Cos all that cuddling, joking, 'nice' side of him and the presence of his parents means that your system is getting bombarded with even more 'messages', and it's going to confuse/influence you in a way that isn't in your best interests.

Your mind hasn't got to grips with what's happened and so it hasn't sorted events/feelings/decisions into 'boxes' and put them in 'storage'.
So everything is going round and round in your head like a washing machine stuck on a spin cycle.
Any contact with him is adding more 'information' into that spin cycle....the danger is that your mind could be manipulated into believing that all the current 'good' things he says and does are the real truth about him, that you should just put the past 'behind' you and continue the relationship cos he's a 'good guy really and just made a silly mistake'.

RantyAnty · 01/09/2019 16:52

I don't think either one of you are ready for a relationship right now.

And I do hate what porn has done to young men. Disgusting. And nobody around to teach them anything different.

He's 19. He's a horny little fecker and his main concern is getting laid and hopefully trying porn video stuff. It comes across clearly. His main reason for having a relationship is to get laid. Probably 95%.

I would just hold off on relationships for awhile.

womaninthedark · 01/09/2019 17:00

I do hate what porn has done to young men

I wish people would stop thinking that porn is the only reason for this. In 1976, when mainstream porn was just pics of women with their kit off, I had a nineteen year old boyfriend who behaved just as the OP's. A study of women married in the 1920s found that some of their husbands acted like this, too.

It's not (just) porn. It's men. It actually is. Stop excusing them by saying 'porn did it'.

FatherFintanFay · 01/09/2019 17:16

Good for you OP. If you can, take the time to register how you feel once you're safely back in your own home, settled down on your sofa with a hot drink, and he's not there. Is there a sense of pressure being lifted? Sadness? Relief? Give yourself a couple of days of just taking it easy (I assume you don't have to be anywhere, since you had planned to be on holiday) and then take stock again. I find it's absolutely crucial to have time away from others to get your thoughts in order, and it's especially hard to make a decision regarding another person when that person is there trying to influence you.

Aaarrgghhh · 01/09/2019 17:46

Going home sounds like a good plan. Don’t even put any time on thinking things over. Take as long as you need really think about how you feel and if you want to carry on or not. Whatever you choose to do is great because it will be your choice and being alone is the best way to make that choice I think.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/09/2019 22:46

I’m home Sad

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 01/09/2019 22:50

I’m so sorry for you OP and I know you’re probably hurting badly right now, but I genuinely think you’ve made the right decision. Please never think that you have picked the wrong men. Their behaviour towards you is completely down to them. There are food men out their, but you’ve just been unfortunate to have had to deal with the nasty ones.

Hidingtonothing · 01/09/2019 23:06

Glad you're back safe OP, time for a bit of self care now. Do whatever makes you feel safe and comforted for a little while now, no worrying about anyone else, just what you need. We'll be here if you want to talk anything over Flowers

HairyDogsOfThigh · 01/09/2019 23:45

I think leaving and putting yourself first shows great strength.
Use the time to look after yourself, give yourself time to see how you feel once the dust settles a bit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2019 05:36

I’m glad you’re home. Now time to regroup and think. You’re still very young and have so much to look forward to. There really isn’t any need to tie yourself to someone seriously at this stage.

Did I understand correctly that you don’t get any pleasure from piv sex? If that is the case, I do think you’ve possibly got some healing to do from what happened to you. 🌷

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 02/09/2019 23:44

I’ve had a better day today but still not great, I miss him

OP posts:
HairyDogsOfThigh · 03/09/2019 08:41

Are you missing him, or what you thought you had with him?

category12 · 03/09/2019 08:48

You're bound to feel sad and conflicted. These emotions will pass.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2019 09:50

I’m not sure.

I’ve thought about a few other things he did which I brushed off at the time as it didn’t trigger anything, just made me uncomfortable in the moment.

He randomly choked me one day during sex and I had to tell him not to.
He also used to spank me really hard in the beginning of our relationship (not in the bedroom, not that I’d like it there either) and I had to explain to him I didn’t mind a tap or light squeeze if we were in private but if he wouldn’t hit me anywhere else I didn’t want him spanking me. I then had to have the chat again a few weeks later when he overstepped the mark again.

I’ve only just remembered these too, I’m not sure why as they were more irritating/uncomfortable at the time than traumatic.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 03/09/2019 09:56

He definitely watches far too much porn and has 0 zero understanding of boundaries...

HairyDogsOfThigh · 03/09/2019 10:09

Gosh op, the more you post the worse he sounds. If you listed all these things in one place i think you would realise he is really no catch at all.
He choked you (without your consent),
He spanked you (without your consent),
He penetrated you without a condom on (without your consent),
He can't orgasm whilst wearing a condom
He 'forgets' to take condoms on holiday, even though he knows that sex without could result in pregnancy.
He pressures you to try anal even knowing it hurt you last time.

Please work on your self esteem and realise you are worth so much more than this man.
Just to give you an idea, i have had many sexual partners and not one of them has done any of this. (Well a couple may have wanted anal, but it's not something i wanted, so we never even attempted it).

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2019 10:33

Oh OP it’s so sad to read what porn has done to a generation of men but he is a pint addict whose behaviours verge on sexually abusive before

This isn’t a healthy relationship and he will continue to push the boundaries more and more

FatherFintanFay · 03/09/2019 10:41

Oh my god, please don't go back to this guy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but everything he knows about sex is what he's seen in porn and if he thinks it's normal to just start choking you without discussing it first, that could be really dangerous. It only takes a second of applying pressure in the wrong place and you're unconscious, or worse.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2019 14:22

I only started thinking about these incidents when I really thought about it though. At the time we just had a conversation about it as if he’d eaten the last biscuit and it was selfish, not like he was actually being violent.. which I guess to an extent was what he was doing, or atleast dangerous

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 03/09/2019 14:33

It’s natural to miss him, but that doesn’t mean he’s good for you. I think you are starting to realize that. Flowers

FatherFintanFay · 03/09/2019 14:57

OP, he hit you. Calling it "spanking" diminishes the violent aspect by making it all sound a bit naughty and risque, but it was hitting nonetheless, and he did it without getting your consent.

At the very least, he has a shitty sense of other people's boundaries, since you seem to have to keep telling him these things aren't ok and he keeps going ahead and doing them anyway. His youth and inexperience are not excuses for this type of behaviour. Surely even the most porn-addled bloke knows that you don't choke your partner during sex without warning? Why does he keep needing to be told off?

You're trying to get over this incredibly awful thing that happened to you in the past. You shouldn't also be having to teach this man about what is and isn't ok to do to women during sex. He isn't good for you at all.

30to50FeralHogs · 03/09/2019 15:04

I’m so glad you’re away from him. Of course you miss him, as he’s not a douche 24/7, but (especially given your updates) he is a douche enough of the time that you’re better off away from him.

I almost feel sorry for these young men who have ruined their own sexuality and any chance of a proper loving sex life by wiring their brains to respond to this shit.

Almost.

I feel more sorry for the young women like you having to put up with their pathetic and selfish attempts.

The fact that a man attempting to choke you during sex is now something you just have to brush off like eating the last biscuit is just heartbreaking.

Please take some time to yourself to practice some self care, make some new friends, just spend time doing things that make you happy. Build yourself up so that you feel strong enough to recognise an arsehole at his first attempt to overstep.

We all make mistakes, but he has regularly and repeatedly overstepped and made you feel uncomfortable. My DP doesn’t like condoms either, so he doesn’t get PIV. Simple as that. (And he doesn’t get to orgasm until I have!). He’s not perfect, nobody is, but he listens and learns from his mistakes as any decent guy will do. Maybe that comes with maturity, but you don’t need to let this one practise on you. Let him go and concentrate on yourself for now. When you’re ready you’ll find someone who’s already made his mistakes with someone else and grown up a bit. Flowers

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2019 15:08

He was grooming you slowly eroding down your boundaries. Look at what he said on the drive he forgot condoms. No one forgets like that it was a deliberate move
He was escalating and violent and sexually abusive
Please do the freedom programme and leave him well behind

TowelNumber42 · 03/09/2019 20:31

I'm going to go against the grain somewhat. Don't blame his behaviour on porn.

Most young men have watched porn. Most young men do not behave like this guy.

He has a problem with seeking consent. This is not normal. He is weird.

Don't think to yourself that you will have to put up with this crap from anyone because they all watch porn and the porn makes good men bad. It doesn't. No doubt it gives new ideas to bad men and encourages their poor behaviours.

Good men will always ask first and will respect your answer no matter what they've seen in porn. Good men want to make you enjoy the sex too and rapidly discard ideas they get from porn when they don't result in better sex. This definitely includes young men.

You can do a lot better than this bloke.