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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

222 replies

CantRememberHoliday · 31/08/2019 10:20

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 11:45

You didn’t want anal but he did it anyway. You did not consent to unprotected sex but he did it anyway (which is rape, by the way). You need to stop worrying about pleasing other people or doing anything a guy wants you to and firmly leave this one.

Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 11:46

Said by someone far older than you!

josuk · 01/09/2019 11:57

@Tyrotoxicity
I agree with most of what you say.
My other point - and I think it matters, and not related to the specifics if this - is that the OP needs to deal with her trauma to have healthy relationships.
The way she reacts, the way present becomes the past and she sees her attacker in the man in front of her - that will continue hurting her.
And her reactions to situations may or may not be driven only by the situation at hand. Past comes in. And it shouldn’t, not every time.

I speak from experience. I had traumatic things happen to me when I was younger. And for years - I brought it to my relationships with men. It’s like I was trying to re-write my story, take control and change it. I didn't know I was doing it until I ended up in counselling and all the past hurts I suppressed have poured out of me.
It took a long time to deal with it and put it away in a healthier way. And I still had to reminds myself at times that the man in front of me is not my father....

As to the other posters branding the boy an evil manipulator, etc. Come on. Do any of you have sons? Have a look at most 19yos who were virgins and just having their first gfs....
You have no basis to assume he is evil. OP met and liked him and had a good relationship until this incident. So - there must be something good at him. Or she would not have been with him.

And no - I don’t have sons. I have daughters. But I see teenagers and know how mostly immature they are these days.

BlackCatSleeping · 01/09/2019 12:06

I don’t think anyone has said that he’s evil, but his behavior is wrong. I’ve dated manipulative men before. They are never all bad. Of course they have great characteristics too. But, really, asking him to wear a condom is not an unreasonable request. Not wanting to do anal is not unreasonable either.

I just think the OP needs to be careful. Is this a one-off or a pattern of behavior? Is he really sorry or just telling her what she wants to hear?

Tyrotoxicity · 01/09/2019 12:23

Josuk I agree generally. But I think in this particular instance OP is seeing her attacker in her boyfriend because both violated her. She may well be affected more seriously by this recent incident than someone without the previous experience would be - but there is a very real danger of minimising and tolerating unacceptable behaviour by telling yourself that you're overreacting because of your history. I know; I've been there too.

Berthatydfil · 01/09/2019 12:25

He’s 19, hasn’t had a sexual partner before wants anal and can’t finish with a condom.

Does he watch a lot of porn?

AMAM8916 · 01/09/2019 12:33

The issue around rape and sexual abuse is that men (some women too but mostly men) can't control themselves and feel they have the right to give into their needs even though the person on the other side of it clearly doesn't want it, changed their mind or asked for things to be a certain way (you wanted a condom to be used and rightly so and very sensible). Often it's also control. In this situation, he couldn't control HIMSELF. He didn't want to control you but he couldn't help himself from doing what he wanted to despite the fact that you made it clear how things were supposed to be. It doesn't make him a danger to the general population but it makes him a danger to anyone he is intimate with. Frustrated or not, you don't get carried away and go against what your partner has instructed (and for good reason).

I would worry that he can't control himself. That's not someone anyone needs to be around and especially you because you need to feel safe and that sex is always on your terms and so it should be. Maybe someone that hasn't been raped could wash it off and say he was just too excited and got carried away and never thought but to be honest, I have never been raped and don't think I would just wash it off like that.

I think you're right to feel off. Even during sex, people should be aware. He should have been aware that having unprotected sex could result in pregnancy and the fact that he ignored that worry and just did as he wanted is worrying

CouscousEvaporator · 01/09/2019 12:37

He knows crying and promising to sacrifice things (his sex life FOREVER!) will shake your resolve. You have called him out on his appalling behaviour, and now he's panicking.
He is not helping you through your trauma, he is pretending to and then making it worse.
:( Is there any way you can drive back home?

C0untDucku1a · 01/09/2019 12:52

Jesus this thread is horrifying. The op’s boyfriend doesnt want to wear a condom. Op, not him, has tried buying many different brands for them to try. He doesnt want to wear a condom. Op said they could have sex the morning in question and told him to get a condom. He proceeded without one. A crime btw. This is a crime. It wasnt an accident. He intentionally ignored her to have sex without a condom because what she reasonably wanted was less important that him being able to Climax easily. The pressure for anal and the inability of a 20 year old to
Use a condom might suggest a porn problem also. But he certainly isn't decent.

They have had conversations about sex and using a condom. He didnt bring any on the holiday. That also wasnt an accident. Because he doesn't want to
Wear them.

Op, end the relationship. Create a strong friendship circle for now so they can be a filter for
A relationship that makes you unhappy is not worth it at all. You can do much better than this one. He is selfish at best.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/09/2019 13:01

Yes he watches a lot of porn, as a few people have asked. I keep doing a full 180, one minute I’m fine and the next I’m not.

I’ve said I’ll speak to Rape Crisis again soon, was just sorting practicalities like MAP yesterday.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/09/2019 13:03

He isnt worth staying with op. When you have your strength, leave.

timshelthechoice · 01/09/2019 13:08

Yes he watches a lot of porn, as a few people have asked.

Of course he does! He's a buttfuck bothering porn hound who refuses to wear a condom and perpetrated a crime on you by entering you without one after you'd told him not to and is now pretending that's perfectly acceptable. He's a wrong 'un in so many ways but most of all, he has no respect for your boundaries.

BlackCatSleeping · 01/09/2019 13:18

The thing is you’re 20. There are good guys out there. Guys who will gladly wear a condom. Guys who aren’t interested in anal. Guys who are more suited to you. I think you can do better than this guy. Flowers

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2019 13:22

Ffs porn has a lot to answer for but it has clearly skewed his expectations

Aside from this I don’t think you are ready op I think you need to work on yourself and your own boundaries

ukgift2016 · 01/09/2019 13:23

He abused your trust.

I would be very concerned this could happen again. This is a man pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with.

This is the real him. You know this relationship needs to end, to stop being involved with toxic people you need to show strength.

timshelthechoice · 01/09/2019 13:27

Exactly, BlackCat.

Tyrotoxicity · 01/09/2019 13:38

I keep doing a full 180, one minute I’m fine and the next I’m not.

This is to be expected; you're still in his presence. You need that space, OP, and you need it now.

I don't know how familiar you are with current research into the effect pornography is having on young men of your generation. At some point it might be useful for you to look into this (not now though; you've enough to occupy your mind). I'll summarise it though:

Basically, he's fucked. His porn use has skewed his head so badly that he can never be the person that your head needs him to be. That's on him to fix, not you - and you will do yourself untold damage if you hang around waiting for him to do so.

Whether he meant it, whether he's remorseful, whether he's redeemable - doesn't matter. Your head's skewed by trauma that means you need extra-sensitive handling when it comes to relationships and sex. His head's skewed by porn that's trained him to get off on women being violated and abused. This cannot end well for you.

I am sorry to be so blunt; I appreciate it's hard to hear. I wish I'd been able to hear it before I spent seven years trying to work through my traumas with a fetishistic porn-addled man who honestly believed his benign intentions meant everything was fine. I would give a great deal to be able to spare you from going down this path.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/09/2019 13:48

I was crying through the night last night and he started crying too and kept saying he knows we’ll get back to feeling right together but it’s not his call to make and I’m not so sure Sad

He keeps asking if I’ve had a nice day.

I’m going to have to go home

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 01/09/2019 14:26

He's crying that you haven't conformed to his porn warped idea of what a person should be sexually. I fucking hate porn. It's warped him. You need to go home and get a break from him. He perpetrated a crime on you.

Tyrotoxicity · 01/09/2019 14:31

He obviously wants you to get over this and get back to feeling okay about your relationship.

That doesn't mean you are under any obligation to get over it and continue the relationship, and it doesn't mean your welfare is his primary motivation.

Even if he's genuinely remorseful, his behaviour and words are showing so clearly that he doesn't understand how to prioritise your psychological welfare. Whether consciously or not, he's pressuring you to minimise this.

Going home is a very good idea. If nothing else you will have space to breathe and think your thoughts without worrying about managing his emotional response to his fuckup.

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2019 14:41

You can’t have your future sexual partners walk on eggshells constantly.

Expecting your partners to respect what you’ve consented to is not asking them to walk on eggshells. The victim blaming here is absolutely astounding.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/09/2019 15:59

I’m going to head home

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2019 16:01

That sounds like a good decision. Flowers

Tooner · 01/09/2019 16:08

Very sensible decision. Take care.

pog100 · 01/09/2019 16:19

A good idea and a great start to recognising your own right to bodily autonomy and to set your own boundaries!
Listen to those here reminding you that you are very young and you have not given yourself chance to find out the pleasure of a relationship with a man that genuinely cares for your feelings as much as your own. For that matter you have not given yourself chance to find out the pleasure of just being on your own! Good luck OP, you deserve much more than this shit.