*Trigger Warning* I really don’t know how to feel

[CantRememberHoliday]

I was spiked and raped in 2017 whilst on a girl’s holiday, I made a thread about it at the time under this username. I’ve coped quite well with it but sometimes things remind me of it and can’t make me feel a bit shaken/sad.

Anyway, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma. I’m his first sexual partner and he’s my first consensual one (I’m 20, he’s 19).

I recently came off the pill as it was exacerbating a health condition I have, meaning we’re back to using condoms. Yesterday was the first time we’d seen each other since my last pack finished but he knew at the time, so had a while to think about it, order condoms etc.

Last night we were kissing etc and he suggested we try anal. We’ve tried once before but I had to ask him to stop, which he did. Last night a similar situation occurred where it hurt and we stopped and I talked about how it had brought back memories. He just cuddled up to me and was amazing in making me feel safe and secure.

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex. He usually waits for me to say I’m ready to avoid even the tiniest bit of discomfort for me. Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that” and he apologised and said he just got carried away. I know he’d stopped the night before so was probably quite frustrated but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happened again.

He tried to comfort me and apologised but I couldn’t speak to him and just went and had a shower. I don’t know what to do now.
I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to. He’s asked again if I’m okay and I’ve left for a little while.

Sorry for any errors just venting, I guess.

OP, I’m so sorry he overstepped or indeed ignored your boundaries. He was completely out of order, but can I ask why you’re trying anal, when you’re obviously not comfortable with it? You NEVER have to agree to something you’re uncomfortable with, just to please your partner. You should be able to tell him that you’re not happy to do something or don’t like it and that should be enough. If he’s pushing you to try something that he even suspects is making you uncomfortable, then he’s not a decent partner. It doesn’t matter how good he is to you outside of the bedroom, if he’s crossing your boundaries within the bedroom.

I’m sorry but think this is a red flag. It’s not terrible but is disrespectful which could lead to more red flags. Trust your gut.

It's called "stealthing" and it's a form of serious sexual assault.

He also sounds sexually coercive.

He's not nice and, I'm sorry, but it's time to break up with this one.

Please get the morning after pill, urgently. These ones are monstrous as coparents. It's not out of the question that he's trying to get you pregnant to trap you.

Sorry I have to agree with pp. I think there are 2 major red flags here: 1) asking you to repeat a sexual act that has previously hurt you, knowing it is likely to cause you pain again and 2) ignoring your request for a condom. I don't think this is indicative of someone who loves, respects and cares about you. It sounds like someone who prioritises their pleasure over your comfort and wellbeing knowing they can win you over afterwards with cuddles and apologies.

OP, I'm very sorry for what you have been through and I appreciate that the first proper relationship you have is really important and a big milestone, but I think you need to think very carefully about whether this is working for you. You need to put yourself first (like he does!) and do NOT accept being treated poorly. Do you ask him to do things that bring you gratification while causing him physical pain? Do you ignore his boundaries because you're frustrated even though it upsets him? What would he do if you did these things?

You should never ever be hurt, pressured, made to feel uncomfortable, ignored or harassed into behaving a particular way or doing a particular thing. As soon as this starts happening with someone - be they a friend, a date, a boyfriend or whatever - it's a sign that you need to take a step back and evaluate whether or not this is a person you need in your life. The most important consideration here is you - not his feelings, not what your friends think or what his family might say - but you. Prioritise yourself! I know I'm repeating myself but honestly, I don't think young women are told this enough.

Sorry there were paragraphs but the app always gets rid of them.

You said it was the first time you had piv sex since finishing last packet of pills , is that right ?
If so then it would be the first time using a condom ? Could he genuinely have forgotten in the heat ot the moment ?
And no I am not making excuses for him and no doubt I will be vilified but you say he has been supportive and respectful at all times in the past and has always stopped when asked as he did here .

You're trying to get over a serious sexual assault and also trying to appease your current partner by "giving" him enough sex, and I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like an ok situation to me. Why does he deserve praise for being "patient", when that appears to simply mean that he doesn't have sex with you when you don't want it? That ought to be the standard anyway, and even more so in a situation where he knows what happened to you in the past.

I don't like this business about asking you for anal despite knowing that it hurt you last time. Trying it once to see if you both enjoy it, fine. Persisting when it doesn't work out, though? I'd not be viewing this man as a suitable partner to help you get over what happened to you.

Could he genuinely have forgotten in the heat ot the moment ?

The op told him to get a condom...

This morning we were doing foreplay again and I said he could get a condom and we could have sex.

Hmm i can see two sides of this. Is this the first time you had sex since needing to use condoms? Did you specifically say "put a condom on"? I don't mean to victim shame but if he was in the habit of penetrating you without a condom he could have been in the heat of the moment and genuinely forgot about the condoms.

However if you clearly said "i am ready now, put a condom on" and he just penetrated anyway then he is definitely in the wrong and this could be a red flag.

Does he dislike condoms, is that why he has been suggesting anal?

Sorry i cross posted with @flapjackfairy

She said he could get a condom - how much more explicit do you want her to make it?

category12 god knows. I suppose next people will be saying that she should have put the condom on him herself just to make sure he was definitely wearing one. After all, some posters clearly have a pretty low bar for men's behaviour and don't think they can be trusted to do such things by themselves even when explicitly told to.

I remember your original thread, it's nice to hear from you again OP. Sounds like you're doing really well overall.

You are not overreacting. Penetration without protection is not on - you were very clear about that. If you are relying on condoms as your main contraception you have to be 100% sure that you can trust your partner to use them properly. He has crossed a line and to be honest that would be the end of the relationship for me, because at your age I had a mortal fear of pregnancy and would never be able to trust someone who risked that.

There's a sense in your posts that you feel you 'owe' him sex after any sort of intimacy: anal because you didn't have a condom, for example. You don't. And if you don't feel that this boundary is respected, then you shouldn't be with him, he's not right for you.

Personally, I wouldn't go on the holiday, I would take the time he's away to work out what you want to do. Could you do that?

PS: SO GLAD YOU DUMPED YOUR HORRIBLE MATES!

You feel how you feel.

Relationships are not built upon decisions about being allowed or being justified in feeling certain ways.

I'd be angry too even without the rape history.

I suggest a short break away from him to think about whether you have lost trust in him (it sounds like you may have). If it is lost, then whether you think he can regain your trust and if so, how.

This is definitely not a case of you sucking it up. Nor is it a case of you having trust issues for the future. He did something wrong. He is right to feel awful. Young people make mistakes and often don't make them again having felt the effects, so that is in his favour. He has to prove through action that he is trustworthy though.

Ultimately, if you feel the trust is gone then it is OK to end it. If you feel the trust can be regained then it's fine to let him earn it back. What is not OK is to stay with him without trust and the inevitable trouble that causes. Nor is it OK to stay with him because you feel you are not allowed to feel lack of trust, i.e. making it your fault not his.

Instead he penetrated me without a condom on and after 4 or so thrusts I realised and said “I didn’t say you could do that”

So did he pretend to put one on? This is where I am slightly confused, whenever my dh and I have used condoms there is always a pause while he put it on, did that happen here?

If he pretended to put a condom on then that is a MAJOR red flag and you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

One more thing, you wrote We’re going on holiday with his family today and I don’t want to ruin it .

You would not be the one 'ruining it'. He did that by putting his wants above your boundaries.

I second the idea of not going on this holiday and using the time to think through whether you can move on from this and give him the chance to earn back your trust.
If you go on the holiday, you are putting yourself in a situation where you are sending him the signal that what he did is ok.

For me, this would be a serious breach of trust.

I would be dumping him and not going on holiday with him. He can explain why you're not there.

he’s been great, absolutely perfect in regard to handling me and my trauma

No, OP, he hasn't.

If he'd been absolutely perfect, he wouldn't have suggested anal when you've tried it before and indicated it doesn't work for you for whatever reason.

If he'd been absolutely perfect, he'd have realised that you feel you owe him sex and that this makes you more likely to 'consent' to things you're actually maybe not entirely happy or comfortable with doing.

If he'd been absolutely perfect, he wouldn't have straight up ignored the terms of your consent and penetrated you without a condom.

I feel violated but at the same time I also feel like he genuinely didn’t mean to.

These two aren't mutually exclusive.

You feel violated because you made the terms of your consent clear, those terms were ignored, and you were penetrated without your consent. You feel violated because you were violated. It probably feels even worse because the person who violated you is someone you believe loves and cares for you, someone you trust not to hurt you.

And it is entirely possible that it never even occurred to him that his actions were a violation.

If he were really and truly perfect at handling your trauma, he would have recognised that, regardless of his conscious intent, his actions would be experienced as a violation, and so he wouldn't have done it.

Where you go from now, I'd say, is entirely dependent on whether he acknowledges that final point and adjusts his thinking accordingly.

for you, OP. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this shit.

Hi OP, whilst I agree with the majority of other posters (it is a serious line to cross and should have serious consequences)... don't forget to get yourself the MAP. Low chances, but very real.

Op he hasn’t been perfect he has pushed boundaries every opportunity he saw then reeled you back with love bombing
He slipped and pushed it too far yet you are feeling guilty about him being upsey

'Hun' Really???

Just that phrase 'I got carried away' rings alarm bells for me, especially from someone who knows his partner has been raped. I'm also not certain he's been quite as wonderful as you think, for the same reasons other posters have mentioned, sorry OP.

I agree you need time to process what's happened and work out how you feel so I would be taking a step back, at least for now. I wonder whether doing the Freedom Programme would be helpful at all? It might help you feel more sure of asserting your boundaries and help you spot when someone is trying to push them. You can do it online and it costs £12 freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Sorry, I was driving to said holiday
I’ll read the thread and then reply to everyone. On the way he commented that he’d forgotten condoms though. I packed them but don’t feel like using them

By that I mean I don’t feel like sex

Yes, I explicitly said to get a condom. We won’t see each other for a few weeks after this week so I’ll have time to think I guess