Husband kissed a mutual friend

[supernothing]

Long term lurker, first time poster.

I have no one I can really talk to about this and it's driving me mad.

We have been married for 3 months (it's a strong start, I know), together 8 years.

Last weekend we went a party at a friends house. We know her and her husband fairly well. They were at our wedding and vice versa. Husband got very very drunk. I saw him kiss our friend. They were both to blame. They'd been sat next to each other very close. Friend had very recently had a miscarriage and was also very drunk and I know he was comforting her about that.

I didn't make a scene and suggested to Husband we call our taxi now. He was so drunk he could barely stand and he slept on the sofa.

The next morning when I confronted him he basically had a breakdown. His work has been awful to him recently and he just kept crying and saying he feels broken by the whole thing. He said he feels worthless. I ended up comforting him.

He then went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday to play sports. He looked like shit but still managed it.

He's booked a counselling session next week. He's actually leaving this job anyway and in the final few weeks of his notice period.

In the meantime, I just feel so angry. I feel stupid, as I thought all was fine. He's never been the best communicator but I genuinely did not realise we had problems. I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling. I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it because they will judge him and I don't want that. He just keeps saying "we will get through this and be stronger" and I just feel like a mug because I didn't know we weren't strong!

He's making an effort this week but I feel like a trip to the cinema and a couple of bunches of flowers isn't going to fix everything.

I've messaged the friend to say I am stepping back from the friendship for now. She wants to meet up to discuss but I know I'm not in the right head space. I haven't told her husband.

To make it worse we have a family thing this weekend with both of our sets of parents and in laws which we really can't get out of.

I've asked him several times what the issue is but he just keeps saying it's him, not to do with us. He doesn't fancy the friend.

I know time will help but I am just hurt and angry. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just a place to vent.

I’ve found my anger.

Thank god

You are not stupid or spineless. There is an expectation of some parts of society that if a person damages a relationship like this you should immediately become a strong independent woman who burn their partners clothes and who LTB. Actually many many many people don't. Not even Beyoncé.

My husband cheated, I am open about this and it's taken 18 months to repair it. He didn't have physical contact with the OW either (and I'm not here to debate that with anyone so don't even bother).

He had to take full ownership and responsibility and that runs beyond I'm sorry. It goes in to working out the why beyond "I was drunk" it goes into looking at why his life pressures meant he needed to illicit attention from another woman, it goes into looking at his coping strategies, and most importantly the damage he has done to you and your trust.

Not many people marry someone presuming they will cheat on them in any way so it is a big shock when this happens. It pops the bubble. Now the glasses are off and you see grown up reality of life and shit that happens. Now he has to work to sort this out and rebuild that trust and that takes time. Talking. And full ownership.

Good luck.

Absolutely get angry. I raged. It was good for us both.

I also got very cold about his feelings. Not my concern you deal with them yourself. Your mess you clean it up.

Heya, I'm so sorry this has happened. I just wanted to say that I had a similar experience but it made me alarmed when you said "ended up comforting him", as my ex was extremely manipulative and coercive and used to twist situations to make me feel sorry for him when he was the one who had done something bad... I'm sure your H isn't like that, but in case he was trying something similar I thought I'd share. Hope things get better for you soon.

Agreed with @beccarocksbaby
(Unless this is an ongoing problem with him!

Very good post indeed.
I've seen couples go on to build better relationships after such horrible things / wake up calls.

Using this to grow up and grow stronger.

Ok, it’s good that he is willing to stop drinking. That would be a firm condition for me, before moving forward.

Only you know whether you are prepared to put in the massive time and effort to try and unpick how this has happened, decide if it is forgivable and then if you can trust him again. Good luck op

Decided to tell my parents today. We were at there’s and my mum kept picking that something was wrong and I couldn’t be bothered to lie to try and cover up for him.

Dad was supportive. Mum was not and just focused on calling the friend a bitch for 20 mins. She seems to have skipped that they are both to blame.

Mum is probably scared about a possible split?

Possibly. She’s never been a good person to have around in a crisis if I’m honest but it felt cathartic to speak to someone about it.

I always tend to go to friends rather than family although my sister is pretty good. My mam isn't alive now but when I was leaving exdh she wasn't very supportive. Me and exdh get on very well and I knew we'd end up as friends. She would never have had the guts to leave my df, even though he was aggressive.

Really?!

Theirs* on my phone and not proofreading.

Wow, I am aghast that you haven't told your "friends" husband what happened. She must be laughing at you. And, it gives them the green light to continue anything that may have been going on between them. They know you won't say anything (too soft?) and there have been no real consequences.

You say you've found your anger, but it doesn't seem like it to me. Are you very young? In fairness, when this happened to me, I was very young and I was a right wet lettuce about it all : making up excuses for people's shitty behaviour. If this happened to me now, there'd be an almighty hell to pay. But then I'm a lot older now, far more cynical and won't take any shit. Please tell her poor husband and blow her life up

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad. You are me some years ago, and if I could go back in time and give myself a shake, I really would! In the nicest way possible, you need to give them both barrels. People only sit up and notice (and shit themselves) if you go batshit.

Any response from you that is wishy washy, will convince them that what they did "couldn't have been that bad, because super isn't even that angry".

This incident aside, you really need to hack into e-mails, text messages, FB messages, Whatsapp etc, to see what the hell is really going on. Don't feel guilty : it is self preservation and protection. And is actions will have made you do this. I found texts on my first H phone, between him and my best friend, talking about their shag fest. Before that, they both swore blind there was nothing going on. Arm yourself with the truth.

• his actions will have made you do this.

I’ve checked his phone, his emails, and his work stuff. He hadn’t stopped me and has said I can have full access on demand. It wasn’t pleasant, I don’t want to be combing through my husbands messages.

Everyone seems convinced it’s something more but there’s no evidence of that. Believe me I’ve checked.

Perhaps I’m naive but without any evidence of something more and without any suspicion on my part I’d rather deal with what I know actually happened. I’ll drive myself insane fixating on “what if he’s also done this”. It’s already in my mind but I’m trying to process what I actually know has happened.

I don’t want anything to do with the friend. She can explain to her husband why we no longer see them.

@supernothing it sounds like you're doing really well. Hopefully this is an isolated incident. If it isn't the truth has a way of coming out anyway.

I hope you are ok emotionally. This is tough and takes time. Don't rush yourself or tell yourself you should feel a certain way by x y or z.

I don’t want anything to do with the friend. She can explain to her husband why we no longer see them

You can't be serious? I can guarantee you, that her version of events will be that your DH came on to her, she rebuffed him, but now would feel uncomfortable being around him. Her DH will believe her and tell this version to anyone who has a pair of ears.

Seriously, if you are expecting your "friend" to do the right thing here, in terms of what she tells her DH, then you being very, very naive. She has the morals of an ant. She isn't going to suddenly do the right thing now.

You have a limited time frame to jump in there, and tell her DH the truth. If you don't, you will live to regret it.

Aside from all of this, aren't you angry enough that you'd like to see her suffer? Tell him!

Huskylover is right.

I agree that you should tell her DH. You don't need to be vindictive about it, you can just tell him in a matter-of-fact way that that's why you won't be seeing them socially any more. She will definitely play the victim otherwise. All this "I don't remember but if it happened it was no big deal" bullshit indicates that.

Can you really trust your husband at this point? If there was evidence of anything else going on, he would've deleted it.

There is zero possibility your friend will tell her DH the truth.

I’m glad you’ve told someone and that your dad is able to give you support. Your emotions will be all over the place and don’t feel the need to hide them - you are the injured party in this no one else !

They humiliated you right in front of your face. Call her husband and tell him. Ruin her life.
As for your husband, he doesnt deserve you. To do that right in front of you? Theres no point In him ever doing anything behind your back.

There is zero possibility your friend will tell her DH the truth

Agreed. She will fabricate a story that paints her in a good light and Op's husband (or even Op) in a bad light. Not a cat in hells chance I'd be giving that bitch that opportunity.

I think you either believe the bullshit that someone was "so drunk they didn't know what they were doing" or you don't.

I just don't.

I believe your husband knew.
Whether he has done it before I don't know but what he has done has changed your relationship forever.

I would not be committing yourself more deeply to the relationship financially.

I would take time to reflect. Do not get pregnant. Take time to decide is your future with him.

I'm glad you are telling people and showing your anger.

I think the sports the day after a "breakdown" is totally unbelievable and I think you were played by him.

Be careful OP. I don't think he is trustworthy.