Husband kissed a mutual friend

[supernothing]

Long term lurker, first time poster.

I have no one I can really talk to about this and it's driving me mad.

We have been married for 3 months (it's a strong start, I know), together 8 years.

Last weekend we went a party at a friends house. We know her and her husband fairly well. They were at our wedding and vice versa. Husband got very very drunk. I saw him kiss our friend. They were both to blame. They'd been sat next to each other very close. Friend had very recently had a miscarriage and was also very drunk and I know he was comforting her about that.

I didn't make a scene and suggested to Husband we call our taxi now. He was so drunk he could barely stand and he slept on the sofa.

The next morning when I confronted him he basically had a breakdown. His work has been awful to him recently and he just kept crying and saying he feels broken by the whole thing. He said he feels worthless. I ended up comforting him.

He then went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday to play sports. He looked like shit but still managed it.

He's booked a counselling session next week. He's actually leaving this job anyway and in the final few weeks of his notice period.

In the meantime, I just feel so angry. I feel stupid, as I thought all was fine. He's never been the best communicator but I genuinely did not realise we had problems. I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling. I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it because they will judge him and I don't want that. He just keeps saying "we will get through this and be stronger" and I just feel like a mug because I didn't know we weren't strong!

He's making an effort this week but I feel like a trip to the cinema and a couple of bunches of flowers isn't going to fix everything.

I've messaged the friend to say I am stepping back from the friendship for now. She wants to meet up to discuss but I know I'm not in the right head space. I haven't told her husband.

To make it worse we have a family thing this weekend with both of our sets of parents and in laws which we really can't get out of.

I've asked him several times what the issue is but he just keeps saying it's him, not to do with us. He doesn't fancy the friend.

I know time will help but I am just hurt and angry. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just a place to vent.

Have you asked to see his phone? Their brazen behaviour makes me think that there may have been an affair going on prior to your catching them out!

She's "confused" my sweet ass. What a load of bullshit. She knows full well what she did- what a wonderful "friend". And of course your dh is equally to blame. I'm so sorry you're going through this op- the pain when our supposed loved ones do this to us is horrific and life changing - the relationship is never as it was again.

Listen to your gut, it’s telling you for a reason. When you reflect on the events, you were probably so shocked you could not quite believe what you were seeing. Your friend is also potentially playing this down. Is there anyone in real life you could sound off also? Has there been any touchy feely flirtations before this time between them both? Time on their own, volunteering to help her/him with a task? Any changes in his habits? I am sure this is hard for you 💐.

She would only have done it "as a mate"? When did she last snog you then? I'm sure her husband will be fine with it if it was just as a mate silly cow. I can't believe she's trying to justify it.

You need time to be angry. Tell him to shove his chuffing flowers up his arse!
He needs to know you can't just get over it like he didn't cheat, because he did.
If you hadn't have seen, you'd never have told him.
He's having a tough time at work so it's ok to cheat on you? Nope.

You're fantastic OP. I have so much respect for you.
Don't sacrifice your MH for his. Don't let him minimise anything.

He's an asshole (only married for 3 months?!??)
She's a bitch. No need for you to meet up with her, no explanation is good enough. Do tell her husband, that poor idiot deserves to know.
Leave. Once a cheater, always a cheater

@supernothing I'm so sorry

I had a work-induced breakdown last year. A proper, awful breakdown. I could barely function, I felt numb and tired and broken. My lovely fiancé noticed and we worked through it together, but I have no doubt that it was stressful for him and I felt very bad for that. I left my job. I'm self-employed now and that has ups and downs too, not least because of how my last job finished, so I still feel bad for fiancé.

I didn't kiss anyone else, not even black-out drunk. That seems either convenient or very reckless. Has he sought any help? Has he talked to you about what he is unhappy with? Is your marriage included in that? My concern would be that if this is breakdown-led, that suggests your marriage is part of the things that felt 'wrong' for him to rebel against. And if he was behaving recklessly because he's unwell, I don't think he'd have managed a weekend of sports.

I'd be expecting some big, big action from him now to try and reassure you about this and that he isn't a cheating scumbag who has started his marriage the way he intends to continue. Flowers and cinema trips don't cut it there - honesty and big action have to.

I am so sorry . You've behaved in such a dignifed fashion, and it feels so callous of them both to suggest that it was nothing rather than acknowledging at least that it was very wrong.

@GammaStingRay surely you don't need to. I know your partner/spouse should just basically know this but in OP case, her husband is playing the sympathy card. And I don't think he's ready at all to accept it so the conveying the right message is very important. You're not heard until you said it.

Since when has having a shit time at work meant its ok to get off with another women? Op you are being played, by both of them.

This sounds so much Ch like my friend's DH it's eerie, except this was about 6 years ago.

Friend blocked DH, he was contrite, (woman he was kissing pushed him away as she was not interested) and now he is a fecki g useless, disinterested hubby. He was then, but friend didn't want to see or acknowledge that.

Don't go through with the house purchase - got to be easier to extricate yourself now. I hate to suggest this but why is he so emotionally involved with this woman's miscarriage?

**I hate to suggest this but why is he so emotionally involved with this woman's miscarriage?

I thought someone would suggest this.

He hasn’t slept with her, I genuinely believe that. Even if he had (which he hasn’t) it would be physically impossible for this to be his child due to timing and both sides being away (including us being on our honeymoon).

He’s been a total cunt but he hasn’t shagged her which is a small blessing.

I bet you genuinely believed they wouldnt be snogging the faces of each other either!

That image of them would knock me sick. I'd have nothing to do with the pair of them.

Skanky cheating bastards.

What an awful situation.

He's turned it into a self-pity party and your 'friend' has given you the old "I'm sorry you think that" line (which really means 'I'm not sorry I did it, I'm just going to make it sound like I'm apologising).

They kissed when you were in the same room as them but they thought you couldn't see them. They're both twats.

You will be forever wondering now what your husband will be up to on his next night out drinking.

Only you can decide if you want to move forward from this but you definitely need space away from him in which to consider your future.

Whatever happens, now is probably the time to start a FOF (fucking-off-fund) discreetly if you can.

If you never need it: wonderful, keep it for widow-hood.

They’re both minimising this. Neither of them give a shit about how you feel in any of this.

The kiss is dreadful but his subsequent behaviour is also appalling.

I think I’d insist on a very serious chat.

You need to tell him he’s trying to brush it under the carpet and you are not ready for that. Also why he felt ok to go and play sport all weekend when he was nearly having a breakdown the previous night. Why didn’t he spend the weekend with you - Grovelling?!

So you confronted him about kissing your friend, he cried, blamed it on his job, you gave him a hug and he fucked off to play sports all weekend?

What a twat.

He wants it brushed under the carpet and you are going to end up thinking that you are going on about it too much and you will tell yourself you need to get over it, while your husband and mate have got off scot free.

He sounds fab!!!

Firstly, are you absolutely sure he was out playing sport? How do you know he didn’t meet up with her? I’ll be honest this all smells very fishy. Me and my DH have huge issues in our marriage but we both know and agree 100% that this type of thing is a dealbreaker. That behaviour would be it for me. It’s a personal non negotiable boundary. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with somebody who did this. It speaks volumes about his character and none of it is good. How he’s acted afterwards is really bad too.

I used to date someone who did hurtful things and then when challenged somehow it always ended up with a conversation about how difficult things were for him and me comforting him. I don't know whether he did it consciously, but it was a big sign that things were always going to be All About Him. I eventually got rid as he became increasingly self-centred when he realised he could get away with it. I have wondered if I hadn't gone along with the "poor me" line at first if he would have got so bad, but I'll never know now. Certainly, it taught me never to accept this behaviour again.

You are underreacting. Find your anger. Your H cheated on you when he thought you wouldn’t see. He needs a sharp consequence, but so far hasn’t had one. In fact, he has successfully manipulated you into comforting him. Send him away so he will know how it feels to lose you.

He doesn’t get to decide if or when you move on from this. He has betrayed you and is trying to control the narrative. Don’t let him.

Why were they sitting together “very close”? That in itself was inappropriate. It sounds like he wants to be this woman’s White Knight and she wants to be rescued. Many affairs actually begin this way.

Don’t discuss anything with her. She is manipulating you with the ‘kissed him as a mate’ garbage. Both of you need to completely cut contact with her.

Personally, I would end it with him. He has weak boundaries and feels entitled to seek ego boosts. I would never trust him again.

Him telling you you’ll ‘get through this’ is the equivalent of when my cheating ex kept telling me we ‘needed to let go of the past’. He’s in the wrong but he thinks he can essentially just tell you you have to get over it (although phrased in a rather more manipulative ‘poor me’ manner)

Has he done anything like this before supernothing?

Why didn’t he spend the weekend with you - Grovelling?!

Because he knows he doesn’t need to. He knows OP will let it go with zero consequences.

You’ve hit the nail on the head and made me realise what it is about this scenario that made my blood run cold to read it: for whatever reason, this guy is so secure and confident OP won’t leave him, or kick him out, he didn’t even feel it was necessary to stick around for half a day to comfort OP, try convince her to stay with him, anything. He knew he could snog another woman (three months after swearing in front of their friends and family he’d love and respect and be faithful to her for the rest of their lives), OP would comfort HIM, and then he could go play with his friends and come back later like nothing had ever happened.

Fucking awful. The kiss isn’t even the worst of this OP. It’s his complete transparent lack of respect or love for you. I hope you find some self esteem and self respect ASAP cos you’re being made a complete mug of.