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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband kissed a mutual friend

127 replies

supernothing · 23/08/2019 15:06

Long term lurker, first time poster.

I have no one I can really talk to about this and it's driving me mad.

We have been married for 3 months (it's a strong start, I know), together 8 years.

Last weekend we went a party at a friends house. We know her and her husband fairly well. They were at our wedding and vice versa. Husband got very very drunk. I saw him kiss our friend. They were both to blame. They'd been sat next to each other very close. Friend had very recently had a miscarriage and was also very drunk and I know he was comforting her about that.

I didn't make a scene and suggested to Husband we call our taxi now. He was so drunk he could barely stand and he slept on the sofa.

The next morning when I confronted him he basically had a breakdown. His work has been awful to him recently and he just kept crying and saying he feels broken by the whole thing. He said he feels worthless. I ended up comforting him.

He then went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday to play sports. He looked like shit but still managed it.

He's booked a counselling session next week. He's actually leaving this job anyway and in the final few weeks of his notice period.

In the meantime, I just feel so angry. I feel stupid, as I thought all was fine. He's never been the best communicator but I genuinely did not realise we had problems. I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling. I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it because they will judge him and I don't want that. He just keeps saying "we will get through this and be stronger" and I just feel like a mug because I didn't know we weren't strong!

He's making an effort this week but I feel like a trip to the cinema and a couple of bunches of flowers isn't going to fix everything.

I've messaged the friend to say I am stepping back from the friendship for now. She wants to meet up to discuss but I know I'm not in the right head space. I haven't told her husband.

To make it worse we have a family thing this weekend with both of our sets of parents and in laws which we really can't get out of.

I've asked him several times what the issue is but he just keeps saying it's him, not to do with us. He doesn't fancy the friend.

I know time will help but I am just hurt and angry. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just a place to vent.

OP posts:

Azure83 · 23/08/2019 20:22

When he says it's not you, it's him, he's sort of correct.. Have a look at Esther Perel and her take on infidelity, she has an excellent YouTube video that saved relationships.

Original poster

supernothing · 23/08/2019 20:25

Thanks everyone for your input (even the harsh ones- I have self respect but thanks all the same).

I am reading them all and taking it in.

I’ve confronted him again this evening.

Re knowing he was at sport. I’ve checked his google map timeline and he was. He also came back in the dirty kit from each one. I did not wash it before anyone jumps on that!

I asked why he thought disappearing to play sport was a good idea instead of grovelling. He said it’s because I said I didn’t want to be around him, so wanted to give me space.

He’s apologised. A lot. I’ve not decided if I’m forgiving him and if I do it will be a long road ahead.

No- he hasn’t done anything like this before. Which is why I’m floored by it, I thought we were good.

I’ve told him he’s tried to push me into forgiving and as a result I feel that my feelings are being minimised.

I’ll update as and when I can.

Again- thank you all.

OP posts:

TemporaryPermanent · 23/08/2019 20:25

I do think of the female journalist who wrote about her beloved husband of 45 years 'we were faithful all that time, apart from the odd kiss'. I personally think that you can decide that this is not a huge deal, if you want to.

rdef · 23/08/2019 20:26

I'd be very surprised if this was the first time. How drunk was he? How drunk was she? I do think it's very suspicious that immediately after it happened he disappeared for the best part of 2 days. Guaranteed they met up to get their stories straight and arrange the damage limitation.

Until he is completely honest with you you have no chance of recovering from this. Even if he does decide to be 100% honest with you, the fact that he has lied about it all now will mean that you still won't believe him.

You've a tough road ahead of you. But I certainly don't believe things as he is telling you.

AMAM8916 · 23/08/2019 20:30

Why do you feel stupid OP? He should. What a total arsehole. Imagine kissing your mate that he doesn't even fancy then blaming it on 'work stress' even though he is away to leave the job anyway?

Tell him to leave for a while so you can figure out if he is who you think he is! And don't feel stupid, it's the pair of them that made themselves look stupid

Mintlegs · 23/08/2019 20:57

Try and be kind to yourself, you may wish to consider trying to turn to someone you can trust if possible. You may be surprised at the support you will get. You haven’t really said much about the woman concerned. Has there been anything upon reflection from her that’s raised your suspicions? Be on high alert over the next couple of months but don’t show it. Try and pretend you are relaxed in a few weeks. Game face on. Observe carefully

CornforthWhite · 23/08/2019 22:18

Tell both sets of parents what’s happened. Unless you’re open about this from the start, with people who you both care about and who care about you, then you’ll always have a lie in your relationship and it will be what you return to at every argument you’ll ever have. Break the bubble for your parents now. No marriage is perfect and getting that out in the open will help you see if you really, truly want or should save yours or walk away before kids are involved.

Brandnewshit · 24/08/2019 01:44

Honestly OP.
It's done. The trust is broken
I've been cheated on, and I've cheated I know the scripts and the whole process and procedure
You've already said you've checked Google timelines
This will be your future. Always checking, the doubt will set in.
Once any infidelity creeps in on any relationship, it's done. Simple as that.
You can have counselling, openness with phone's and social media etc.

But why. Why should a person's existence be like that. The trust is gone.

There is no couple that has had infidelity that can say they are 100% trusting now, it was years ago....
The trust is gone.

You deserve better.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/08/2019 05:39

OP, if you want to stay with him (personally I'd be gone if my wife did that and she would if I did) you need to get bloody angry and tough with him.

Find some words that basically give the impression of "if you ever do anything remotely like that again, I will slowly rip your balls off and feed them to you". Tell your so called friend to do one and yep, I'd be that person and would tell her husband. Shock them all and show them you won't be buggered around.

Basically, take complete control of it and scare the shit out of them all.

GammaStingRay · 24/08/2019 06:55

PhilCornwall1 the only thing that would be valuable in your suggestions imo is telling her husband. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Shows them you’re not fucking around hiding their secret like they both want you to.

The words, on the other hand? Meaningless imo. He doesn’t respect OP so any version of ‘I am very mad and won’t be happy if this happens again’ will be like water off a duck’s back. Actions are the thing that have any value here: telling the husband, kicking him out for a few days.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/08/2019 07:10

@GammaStingRay personally, I totally agree with you. My comment was based on if the OP wanted to stay.

I'd have been gone by now to be honest.

GammaStingRay · 24/08/2019 07:15

Oh, same!

It’s about so much more than the kiss (though that alone I couldn’t forgive). It’s the immense disrespect afterwards too. I wouldn’t be able to look someone in the eye and trust them after that. So the love would quickly dissipate.

Mary1935 · 24/08/2019 07:27

Is that also normal he plays sports all weekend?
What about you?
Is it a one sided relationship - all about HIM
I would re evaluate my relationship.

lovebeingmum9 · 24/08/2019 07:51

hi op I really feel for you!
There is no excuses for your husbands behaviour and a kiss would be crossing the line for me! I've been married to my hubby for 10years and we have children and if he ever kissed another woman i think that would be it for us because I know I personally could never forgive or forget and would constantly throw it at him! but everyone is different and who really knows what they would do in any situation until your in it......to some couples a stumble like this now could either make or brake them. The decision is yours,I would give yourself time to digest what's happened and go through the many different emotions your feeling but know this.....You have done nothing wrong and there is no right or wrong decision....just your own decision to make for you,your life,your future x

LambBeefandHedgehog · 24/08/2019 08:13

I agree, you need to take control of this situation.

Milliy · 24/08/2019 09:59

Was he actually playing sports?

Milliy · 24/08/2019 10:03

You can edit and remove locations from your googl timeline

Joh66 · 24/08/2019 10:14

He made a massive mistake and has acknowledged that. It's easier to make such awful judgments when very drunk, alcohol is such a disinhibitor. A friend's partner made a pass at me whilst my friend was in hospital with a difficult pregnancy, she was having twins. I never told her, I told my friend to fuck off after a couple of months and cut them both out of our lives because I was very young and didnt know what else to do and didnt want to tell her what a shit her partner was. I suggest you stop seeing your 'friend' who also screwed up, and try to forgive your husband who sounds as if he is struggling. Sometimes people do just screw up. Is it worth rescheduling your entire life for?

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 10:26

I ended up comforting him.

I did this just after he knocked me over and pinned me by the throat on the ground. They do the shitty thing to us l and we end up comforting them! Some men have an incredible knack of being the party in need of compassion, even when they don’t deserve it or we are programmed to fall for the fragile male ego powe rplay.

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 10:29

Ten hours later and he was making jokes about getting me a straw to drink from as my throat was still sore from when he grabbed me.

He can be stressed out by work and do something really shitty. It appears however that he’s decided to use his ‘work stress’ as cover.

Funny how he’s able to articulate himself when he needs to save his own bacon.

Longlongsummer · 24/08/2019 10:34

Kick him out.

Even if it is temporary. Some action needs to be taken for him to actually feel some consequence. And you need time to think, and be respected.

Where he goes is his problem.

Be strong and do something very marked like this.

I had an Ex who cheated. I ended up comforting him, he was going through a hard time etc etc. What I didn’t get is that he had brutally hurt me. And disrespected and disregarded our boundary of love.

It was only when my ex did it again that I realized I’d been way too accommodating and I needed to get tough, get angry and I kicked him out of his house (he owned it)! I was looking after our child. Only after he’d spent time shacking up in a work colleagues spare couch did he start to value me again.

PicsInRed · 24/08/2019 10:43

Breaking a mortgage is so much easier and less expensive than sharing children in a broken relationship.

He waited until you were married and then just dropped the mask and expected that you would feel too trapped to do anything about it.

Yes, you have the mortgage, yes, that's somewhat of a tie. But that is NOTHING to the horror inducing tie of children with a piece of entitled crap like your husband. Get out now. This is a gift, you cant see it now, but you will - when you have children with the lovely man you are MEANT to be with (who you'll meet only if you leave this one).

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2019 10:50

both were very drunk and very depressed. forgive for now, dont dwell on it anymore-it will upset you more- but keep your eyes open.

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2019 10:50

they were being stupid, think that way.

Redwinestillfine · 24/08/2019 10:57

Honestly carry on with house sale but rent rather than buying. Out that on hold. It will save a lot of hassle. He needs to accept that this is on him and you need a lot more assurance to tie yourself into a move that will take years to get out of should this go pear shaped.

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