Husband kissed a mutual friend

[supernothing]

Long term lurker, first time poster.

I have no one I can really talk to about this and it's driving me mad.

We have been married for 3 months (it's a strong start, I know), together 8 years.

Last weekend we went a party at a friends house. We know her and her husband fairly well. They were at our wedding and vice versa. Husband got very very drunk. I saw him kiss our friend. They were both to blame. They'd been sat next to each other very close. Friend had very recently had a miscarriage and was also very drunk and I know he was comforting her about that.

I didn't make a scene and suggested to Husband we call our taxi now. He was so drunk he could barely stand and he slept on the sofa.

The next morning when I confronted him he basically had a breakdown. His work has been awful to him recently and he just kept crying and saying he feels broken by the whole thing. He said he feels worthless. I ended up comforting him.

He then went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday to play sports. He looked like shit but still managed it.

He's booked a counselling session next week. He's actually leaving this job anyway and in the final few weeks of his notice period.

In the meantime, I just feel so angry. I feel stupid, as I thought all was fine. He's never been the best communicator but I genuinely did not realise we had problems. I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling. I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it because they will judge him and I don't want that. He just keeps saying "we will get through this and be stronger" and I just feel like a mug because I didn't know we weren't strong!

He's making an effort this week but I feel like a trip to the cinema and a couple of bunches of flowers isn't going to fix everything.

I've messaged the friend to say I am stepping back from the friendship for now. She wants to meet up to discuss but I know I'm not in the right head space. I haven't told her husband.

To make it worse we have a family thing this weekend with both of our sets of parents and in laws which we really can't get out of.

I've asked him several times what the issue is but he just keeps saying it's him, not to do with us. He doesn't fancy the friend.

I know time will help but I am just hurt and angry. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just a place to vent.

Oh dear, sounds like they are both taking you for a mug. You are the one that ended up comforting him after he kisses someone else? You are stepping back from the friendship "for now"? This doesn't sound right to me.

You ended up comforting him and he managed 2 days of sport even though he looked shit? How noble of him.
He's definitely taking you for a mug.

Firstly, I'm sorry you're going through a rubbish time when you should still be in the post wedding 'bubble' (8 years together or not!). What struck me from your post was the fact that he managed to sufficiently control his behaviour/emotions to go out and play sports for most of a weekend. Yet you're expected to deal with him treating you appallingly and ' WE will get through it' errrr sounds like he's expecting YOU to get over it which is a completely different kettle of fish.

You've been remarkably polite to your 'friend' untrustworthy disloyal cunt (can't say I'd have been so restrained in your position so hats off to you) and I think not having drama with her is really sensible as you've got enough to deal with.

I know you don't want/need advice but it almost sounds like you're resigned to this and that in time you'll feel less hurt. I'm all for taking time to reflect etc but do make sure that you're putting yourself first as your husband clearly isn't able to at the moment.

Yep. I feel suitably stupid, don't worry about that.

You haven't been stupid, they have behaved appallingly towards you. None of it is your fault.

Thanks @Serenity45.

I feel robbed of that bubble if I'm honest. I don't want to deal with the "friend" and I blame them both equally but dealing with my marriage is more important at the moment.

I do want to get through this but it's like I'm expected to accept it happened and be working with him. I don't feel like he has taken ownership of it at all.

I've not phrased that right at all.

It feels like he wants me to just be like "oh right so you did this, ouch, so what shall we do now?".

It doesn't feel like he's letting me be angry or hurt, he wants to rush straight into rebuilding things. I feel like they've pulled the rug out from under me.

Bloody hell, that’s awful.

I know you’re probably already aware of this, but the chances that there wasn’t anything already going on between them are slim. No married man and woman go from being purely platonic friends to snogging on a sofa at a party due solely to alcohol intake. I’m sure you’ve been drunk many times during the course of your relationship and managed not to kiss someone else.

This is serious and he sounds like he’s already decided he’s safe and off the hook for any consequences based on feeling okay going out to play sport all weekend instead of begging his wife not to dump him! That alone is an incredible insult.

I would ask him to leave for a few nights tbh while you have some time for the shock to wear off and your current reality to sink in. You can’t do that while he’s next to you. He needs to experience what it’s like to have to sleep apart from you and be a single guy given that he’s comfortable acting like one.

And while he’s gone, get a close friend round to talk it through and figure out the next steps. Cheating on your wife isn’t something that can just be brushed under the carpet and moved on from.

He doesn't care OP, let me guess - he's done lots of shitty stuff before that's been swept under the rug and he doesn't see why this should be any different. If he cared about you, he wouldn't do this.

I mean come on... drunk enough to be ‘barely able to stand’ (but was able to stand and walk to the taxi and into your house), while simultaneously not being so hungover the next day he couldn’t go out and do a physical activity all day?

Pull the other one. He sounds like a right twat. I’m sorry he’s not who you thought he was

I would make sure that he understands that it is not acceptable that he kissed your friend. That was very shit of him. Second of all, I would assure him that things will definitely get better in terms of his career and job. But the most important thing is he needs to confide in you with his stress or any problem. he's bottling them up inside and it doesn't really help.
You did the right thing with comforting and all but you need to get the message across that you're not happy and accepting his arse of a behavior with your friend. And your friend, well I don't need to tell you that she isn't your friend anymore but would like to hear her side of story too (just to be sure there's nothing more going on).

Also, you shouldn't have to explain basic stuff to him like kissing other women, especially my friends, is wrong...
He knows already, he just did it because he thought he could get away with it.

I ended up comforting him
He's good, I'll give him that.
You ARE allowed to be angry.
You ARE allowed to be raging.
You do not have behave as if everything is OK.
You do not have to rebuild yet.
Tell him to back the fuck off and let you have some space.
He feels worthless because he is fucking worthless.
What a spineless asshole.
Please try to get some distance to get some head space.
You may have to attend this event together but ensure he knows this is for show for now and if he doesn't give you some space then will start telling yours and his family.
That should hold him back for a couple of days / weeks.

Do you have DC together?

I would make sure that he understands that it is not acceptable that he kissed your friend.

Jesus.

A newly married men should not need anyone to make him understand it’s not acceptable to cheat on his wife.

Yep you’re a mug.

Have you told her husband yet?

I’d tell him that you are not sure you can get past this and leave for a couple of days. He has neglected any of your feelings and made it a pity party for himself

You don’t need to attend the event. I think you can get a bout of gastro or flu or something

I’d let her know that you are looking forward to seeing her husband at the event. Perhaps she won’t go.

Seriously though, I don’t know how you get over watching your husband kiss another woman, let alone your ‘friend’. Both of them behaved appallingly and you certainly shouldn’t be comforting anyone else. Get mad.

Was it a full on french kiss or a single kiss?
Where was her husband?
How was it you came to see what happened?
Were there other people at the party who may have seen it? If so, prepare yourself for it to be gossiped about :(

His "poor me" act with the waterworks would have been more convincing if he hadn't then fucked off to play sports all weekend.

What he's done there is to avoid showing genuine remorse or giving a heartfelt apology by turning it into a pity party - in which YOU end up comforting HIM!

I actually find that more of a betrayal than the kiss itself. A drunken snog with an equally drunken mate - if he accepted the responsibility, didn't seek to blame-shift, and apologised sincerely, I'd move past it. (Although I certainly wouldn't socialise with the friend any more.)

Making it all about his poor widdle feels would leave me raging and seriously considering the future of the relationship.

Step back from this. He is excusing his behaviour and playing the sympathy card, what an arse... if this was one of your friends or children telling you this about their partner, what would you say? Be careful here. Some people may not agree but I think his behaviour is awful. It would seriously rock me to the core of my partner did this to me. I know it must be frightening but I think you need to have stern words and step back. Have you spoken to the friend? What was her reaction during and after the kids?

No DC. We are in the middle of moving house and I feel railroaded into continuing with that too (we own, new mortgage etc).

It was a bumbling gross snog from what I saw. I was basically in the same room but sat on the floor playing with the dog. It's hard to explain but it's a long segmented room and I stood up and saw them at the other end. Noone else in the room.

I was so shocked I didn't shout or anything just said "well husband I think we should order our taxi now".

Sorry to clarify- the "friend" won't be at the event at the weekend. Husband and I will be both be with both our families.

I had hoped he would have realised it wasn't acceptable to kiss anyone else, given the whole marriage vows we made less than 12 weeks ago. It was clear to me but seemingly not to him!

Christ I've been spineless haven't I.

@Mintlegs she's claiming not to remember it happened which is bollocks. She said she's really confused by the whole situation and if it did happen it would have only been "as a mate" and she's sorry I think it looked like more and if I think she overstepped a boundary, whatever that means.

She wants to have a call or meet up to discuss. I've said I will let her know if/ when I am in the right frame of mind to discuss.

You're confused @supernothing

You're not stupid or spineless

Now you need to decide what you want to do

What would feel best for you, for the next couple of months?

Ita so strange that they just kissed in a room where anyone could have walked in! Where was everyone else?

Are you positive this is the first time?

Rushing straight to forgiving and forgetting is exactly what he wants you to do. Anything else is uncomfortable for him.

What if you hadn't been there? If they were happy to kiss each other in front of you, what might happen if you weren't there.

He needs to realise this is a huge fuck up on his part and he needs to realise that it's up to him to make this work now. He will minimise it as much as he can. He will play it down and make out like you're making it a bigger deal than it is.

Kissing someone else outside of your relationship IS a big deal. If he's trying to play it down and make out like it's not who says it's his first time? Or if it's not a big deal, and only happened because he's feeling shit, what's to stop it happening again if/when he feels shit and someone is sitting beside him?

He needs to cop on. You need to talk to someone.