Husband kissed a mutual friend

[supernothing]

Long term lurker, first time poster.

I have no one I can really talk to about this and it's driving me mad.

We have been married for 3 months (it's a strong start, I know), together 8 years.

Last weekend we went a party at a friends house. We know her and her husband fairly well. They were at our wedding and vice versa. Husband got very very drunk. I saw him kiss our friend. They were both to blame. They'd been sat next to each other very close. Friend had very recently had a miscarriage and was also very drunk and I know he was comforting her about that.

I didn't make a scene and suggested to Husband we call our taxi now. He was so drunk he could barely stand and he slept on the sofa.

The next morning when I confronted him he basically had a breakdown. His work has been awful to him recently and he just kept crying and saying he feels broken by the whole thing. He said he feels worthless. I ended up comforting him.

He then went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday to play sports. He looked like shit but still managed it.

He's booked a counselling session next week. He's actually leaving this job anyway and in the final few weeks of his notice period.

In the meantime, I just feel so angry. I feel stupid, as I thought all was fine. He's never been the best communicator but I genuinely did not realise we had problems. I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling. I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it because they will judge him and I don't want that. He just keeps saying "we will get through this and be stronger" and I just feel like a mug because I didn't know we weren't strong!

He's making an effort this week but I feel like a trip to the cinema and a couple of bunches of flowers isn't going to fix everything.

I've messaged the friend to say I am stepping back from the friendship for now. She wants to meet up to discuss but I know I'm not in the right head space. I haven't told her husband.

To make it worse we have a family thing this weekend with both of our sets of parents and in laws which we really can't get out of.

I've asked him several times what the issue is but he just keeps saying it's him, not to do with us. He doesn't fancy the friend.

I know time will help but I am just hurt and angry. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just a place to vent.

she's sorry I think it looked like more and if I think she overstepped a boundary, whatever that means.

That is such a non-apology!

I have to say OP, it is unlikely this came from nowhere. I'm not saying he is the father of her child (though I wouldn't be so convinced by the dates, if she was pregnant by him she probably wouldn't tell you the truth on those), but there is clearly some emotional attachment/ongoing attraction at the least here. You don't just randomly kiss a friend's husband or your wife's friend because you are drunk and stressed.

Only you know what is best to do and people can and do get past these things but he definitely needs to own what happened much more and I think you need to open your eyes to the likelihood that your husband is quite a bit more deceptive than you knew.

I am very sorry this happened to you.

I'm sorry what? If you think she overstepped a boundary?? I mean really, that has to be the worst apology I've ever heard. Who doesn't see kissing your mate's husband as a normal boundary, especially with them in the room! There feels more to this OP as she doesn't seem to care about you or be taking it particularly seriously. Is it possible their shagging and she's been told some tales about you?

If your husband has so little thought, love and respect for you that he would snog your friend whilst you were in the same room how do you think he behaves when you're not there? When there's no one to consider, when it's with people you don't know? He went out and played sports for 2days because this is his norm and knew he'd fucked up this time and it would be far better to keep out of your way for a while then things will carry on as normal. His 'make us stronger' patter is probably what he has rehearsed for a time he slips up which is why it slips off his tongue and you are blindsided. Your comments seem to imply that you will be happy to forgive as long as he grovels. He just got off with one of your best mates in front of your face FFS who cares if he grovels. He is an absolute wankstain. And so is your mate. Saying I'm sorry if YOU think I overstepped boundaries. Obviously she doesn't think she has at all. And your reaction to her that you are stepping back for a while? Christ most people would leave scorched earth at such a betrayal, at the very least never speak to them again. I don't think most people would come back from a situation like that but you sound like it will all be forgiven in a few days. More fool you.

He waited until you were married and then just dropped the mask and expected that you would feel too trapped to do anything about it

Exactly this. It's so common. He can do as he pleases now and knows he can get away with it. Having to apologise isn't really much bother is it? Bit of grovelling then back to normal. Have a look at his messages, both to her and all his mates re the situation. Will probably be very revealing if not already deleted. Personally I'd have left by now.

There’s a trend for cheating males booking themselves in for counselling lately, I have zero sympathy.

I feel like I can't get angry at him because he's struggling

Hmmm, obviously I'm a stranger on the internet, but .... sounds manipulative. Of course you can get mad at him- damn mad!

I was with someone who was very secretive, and lied a lot. We tried to work through it ( I blame stupidity on my part). Whenever trust issues came up, he would say things like " Its terrible having a partner who thinks you're a liar"

And
" But it's awful for me, I'm the one who isn't trusted "
Both said with such 'genuine' sadness.

Both manipulated me into feeling like a hysterical bunny boiler.
It was all very well played.

This may not be like your DH, but those initial " big" gestures are cheap. It's the longterm sustained effort that matters.

Good luck 😊

There’s a trend for cheating males booking themselves in for counselling lately, I have zero sympathy

I was thinking this as I read the OP. I mean booking yourself straight in for counselling before even discussing things through with your wife is weird. It's as if it's now part of the 'script'. Book yourself in for counselling so you look suitably repentant (then rinse and repeat). Unless OP is in the US where every man, woman, dog, cat, hamster, armadillo is in therapy

I’m sorry op, at the very least I’d have told her husband. He deserves to know what his wife is so he too can make his own decisions too.

So being stressed at work is a reason to be snogging other women? That’s a new one!
Now he’s trying, getting counselling, he sounds a prize.

I’m sorry, but this reminds me of an ex I was with for about 5 years in my early twenties...

I’m not sure if he ever actually cheated, but he betrayed my trust a number of times and then was always able make me feel sorry for him.

A particular highlight was him flirting constantly with girls via text or Bebo (remember Bebo?) and then him getting upset and saying that his desperate need to have his ego stroked by other women was a symptom of his depression and he couldn’t help it. Weirdly, he always left obvious evidence for me to find - I never went looking for it.

What I realised eventually, was that he was inherently selfish and insisted on fulfilling his desires at the expense of my happiness.

Just wanted to say that on the two occasions in my life that I've been black out drunk I've kissed people and one was a female friend another time it was a stranger and I couldn't for the life of me remember and would never of wanted to.

I think the fact it was done in same room as you does kinda show how drunk they or he or she was.

I don't drink now as was mortified the second time it happened as was in a relationship and did it in front of my partner in his car. Not attracted to the person whatsoever only reason I could think of when I was told I kissed my friend was that I must of thought it was my partner.

Anyway just hoping it's something like that otherwise I would suspect they've picked up from something they've had at some point.

Please don't be railroaded into continuing with the new house purchase. The sale of your current place is fine. Just don't get tied up in a new mortgage until you are certain that's what you want for your future. It's time for him to show if he is really remorseful or just making empty gestures. I couldn't get past that behaviour from either him or her. Take the time you need to decide what happens next.

I just can't envisage my DH being sat on the floor with any female friend comforting her in this manner.

Where was her DH?

I'd be hard pushed to think this was their first physical contact.

Then your so called friend has suddenly developed amnesia...yeah right.

If they were really really drunk and both had other things going on I’d be inclined to forgive and forget with some counselling for your husband. I hope you’re ok Op. wishing you the best.

You don't have children with this man
Your house is up for sale
Sell take your percentage and run

He did this while you were in the room! Lack of respect and care for you is staggering.

Do not tie yourself to this man anymore.

Sounds like a really fortuitous time to find out what kind of man he is. Take the money from the sale of the house and don't look back.

Thanks again all. I’m still here. Had the family event yesterday which was difficult. Went for a run beforehand which helped clear my head.

He spent the whole day yesterday running around after me playing doting husband. Like that makes it better.

He knows any affection yesterday was for show. I haven’t told mine or his family. Yesterday was not the time or place and I don’t want to drag anyone else into this right now.

When I was getting ready he asked if I was looking forward to it. No, dreading it. And it’s another thing to add to the list of stuff he’s ruined by being a selfish cheat because previously I was excited for it.

I’ve found my anger.

Someone said before, if he’s prepared to do that whilst I’m there what is he doing behind my back. That’s exactly what I thought and asked him. He can guarantee it will never happen again apparently. So seemingly he is in control of his actions, he just decided not to bother exercising that control.

Re the friend- she’s out. I don’t owe her a discussion.

It’s a shame your event was spoiled. When he thinks he’s off the hook in a few weeks is when you really should be watching him. But act like normal.
What do you mean your friend is out? Does her partner know?

Out of my life. No, I haven’t yet.

Is he prepared to stop drinking? That should give you a measure of how seriously he is taking this and how committed he is to his marriage.

@effyouseekaye Yes, apparently he is.

Op i had something similar happen to me when my ex fiancé and best friend kissed. We were all a bit drunk and I'd fallen asleep. I woke up to see them kissing.

We were at best friends house so I left and went home . He followed a short time after and when he arrived home I kicked him out immediately.

He went, then spent the next 6 months trying to make it up to me. He kept turning up at my door to talk, he sent flowers, he'd wash my car when I was out shopping that kind of thing ( he was still kicked out during the 6 months )

The best friend on the other hand, she emailed me once, 3 months after it happened, to my work email address. We have never spoken again since the kissing incident.

XF and I were together for another 6 years before splitting just before the wedding

Hi Supernothing. I felt transported back in time reading your post. You are me 20 years ago.

I can only tell you how it turned out for me, and obviously you will make your own choices.

The first few times my "D"H did things like this, I was furious, but always chose to get past it, as the thought of leaving seemed too huge to contemplate, due to shared finances, keeping up appearances etc. He was always drunk when things happened, always very apologetic afterwards. They were things that were "less" than a kiss, but still not good. What I didn't know, is that the flirting in front of me was the tip of the iceberg, and what he was doing behind my back was far worse. I think a PP alluded up thread, that if your husband is kissing others in front of you (well, in the same house), what he will be doing on nights out when you are not there will be much worse : this was certainly true in my case.

Anyway, we went on to have children together, and I found out when they were Primary school aged, what he had really been doing behind my back, when someone decided to just come out and tell me. He had tried to get off with every female friend I had. Most had rejected him, but I suspect one close friend didn't.

I tried to forgive for the children's sake, but after 4 years I just couldn't stand it anymore, and with a huge effort I left him. Whilst I was getting my ducks in a row, I confided in my very best friend about all my plans to leave. She went cold on me for no apparent reason. Then, I discovered (by snooping on his phone), that they were shagging. Quelle Surprise.

Anyway, I did leave (obvs ditched the BF) and I moved on with my life. I met a wonderful man, who I have now been with for 11 years, and the difference between my first husband and my husband now, is like night and day. No predatory behaviour, no coming onto other women etc.

On the other hand, my ExH has cheated on every single woman he has been with since me. He is currently in a long term relationship with a nice lady, and they are all set to move in together....guess what....he's cheating on her.

My point is, that I think there is a certain type of male that is going to be predatory forever, and I tying yourself up to one of these will drive you insane.

Only you know if this kiss was completely out of character and whether you can forgive (although I really don't buy that, as it's not something you do if you are truly in love with your spouse). And I would ask you this : could you ever imagine snogging your friends husband? Or any other man? Or do you love your own husband too much to even think about doing such a thing?

Your "friend" by the way, is a total cunt, and why you aren't telling her husband is beyond my comprehension. I'd hit her where it hurts. She zoned in on your man, pissed all over your territory and your friendship and her punishment is to lose the friendship? Newsflash : she doesn't give a shit about you or your friendship. Tell her poor bloody husband. That's what she deserves, and also he deserves to know what he is married to.

That’s awful OP. I remember about 25 years ago being stood outside a uni bar holding my then boyfriend’s hand. I don’t even know how it happened, but I somehow kissed a friend of a friend. Right there, in front of everyone whilst holding my boyfriend’s hand 😱 My boyfriend quite rightly stormed off and never spoke to me again. I did apologise and grovel, but it was just too mortifying and public for him to forgive. For a couple of years after, (even though it was totally my fault) the two guys were at each other’s throats whenever they saw each other, which was frequently!

Totally mortifying. And obviously it was a uni boyfriend, so not as serious as your DH doing that to you, but I do know that I had absolutely no idea how it happened, why it happened etc.

I'm glad you've found your anger.

You really need to think about your future. I've been mortal many a time so has dh and no way would we do this. So sorry this has happened to you