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Original poster

Was he joking?

222 replies

Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:05

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 21/07/2019 19:10

I think it was a reasonable knee-jerk reaction given your answer, with a reasonable follow on afterwards.

Fonduefrolics · 21/07/2019 19:25

it could be a joke but it would make be wary. I’d be worried that the joke would trotted out every time I say no to anything, to manipulate my feelings into doing things I wasn’t happy with. If everything is ok so far I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but that ‘joke’ would leave me unsettled.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:25

I feel like he's rushing though even though I've said quite a few times to take it slow! We have only known each other 5 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:28

@fonduefrolics it has left me unsettled. I've been in an abusive relationship in the past and this is my reason for now taking things slow to get to know the person before I become emotionally attached

OP posts:
ltk · 21/07/2019 19:35

Slow is a good idea, but it is also a relative term. Can you try to define it for him? 'I'd be love to meet your friends for Halloween?' Or whatever time in the future seems reasonable to you. He is working on his definition of slow, so help him out by telling him exactly what you mean.

Fonduefrolics · 21/07/2019 19:35

@Moofreemum1 I’d listen to whatever your instincts are saying then. I think you’re being wise to take it slow. Does he know your relationship history? If not, keep it to yourself if you can.

MikeUniformMike · 21/07/2019 19:37

I wouldn't want to meet ALL his friends after just 6 weeks.One or two yes but not a crowd of them and especially when no females there.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:40

@fonduefrolics no he doesn't know my background. I'm going to keep it to myself.
Yea it's a friend's birthday meal so quite formal and I'm just not ready for that! Drinks in the city would be better and more casual but still I wouldn't want to do that for a few more weeks

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 21/07/2019 20:01

You could chose to see it as a positive, that after only 6 weeks he's happy to introduce you to his friends.

user1493413286 · 21/07/2019 20:35

I wouldn’t read too much into it; I think he was probably covering any awkwardness he felt about you turning down his offer

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 20:40

He did mention yesterday he hates rejection. But it's hardly rejecting him because I said I still like him

OP posts:
category12 · 21/07/2019 20:42

I think you're right to say no, it is really early to meet friends etc.

readitandwept · 21/07/2019 20:52

I don't think there's much malice in his texts, but I think it's pretty weird to invite you to that particular event. Most people would decline that, surely??

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 20:57

Yea I did think it was a big thing to invite me too considering I'm still getting to know him! I just don't like the way he says it's a joke.
My abusive ex used to put me down and say it was a joke when it weren't. I just think if it's a joke the other person would find it funny

OP posts:
category12 · 21/07/2019 20:58

If your instincts are going "whoop whoop", listen to them.

Alarae · 21/07/2019 21:03

I agree it's a bit much, and you are not being unreasonable to decline, however it is a positive that he wants to show you off!

My husband did this. Invited me to his mums birthday meal for family after 6 weeks. I thought it would be small with immediate family only but it turned out to be aunties, uncles, cousins and family friends! All eyes were on me as 'the stranger' as I walked in.

Not going to lie, I wouldn't do it again so I am fully with you saying no.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 21:04

Personally, I would love to meet his friends after 5 weeks. You can learn a lot about a man by meeting his mates. I think it could be very informative and possibly a lot of fun.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 21:27

I don't know I just feel for me at this point it's too much. Like I've said I usually rush things and then it goes horribly wrong. Just don't like he said a serious comment but then claims it was a joke

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/07/2019 21:37

I'm right with you with how you're feeling, OP. It would be ringing alarm bells for me too.

You're very clear about what is making you uncomfortable, and, as far as I'm concerned, the only acceptable answer from a partner who respects your boundaries is, "No problem at all. Let's arrange to meet up, just the two of us, and you can let me know when you feel ready to meet my friends."

Rachelover40 · 21/07/2019 21:38

When is the birthday meal and why will there be no other women?

Rachelover40 · 21/07/2019 21:42

Continued - I posted too soon.

I ask because you've been going out together for six weeks but if the dinner was, maybe, at the end of August, that would probably be long enough. However the fact that you would be the only woman seems odd, do his friends not have girlfriends or partners? You'd feel a bit self conscious being the only female.

You're right to take things slowly, that's a sensible attitude.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 22:07

@rachelover40 the meal is this Thursday and his friends don't have partners. So I think it would be good if it was just his friends and him. Would be so awkward for me especially after 6 weeks and I'm still getting to know this guy

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readitandwept · 21/07/2019 22:20

Does the friend know he invited you??

My friends really wouldn't invite one new boyfriend to an all girls birthday dinner.

crappyday2018 · 21/07/2019 22:31

I think he was perhaps testing you. You said no so he has then wondered if it was going anywhere so made the joke to see how you would react. I wouldn't read too much into it, however, if you feel weird about it then just keep your wits about you. You're doing everything right by taking it slowly. Men don't like to feel rejected and some take it harder than others.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 22:45

@readitandwept really not sure if the friends knows tbh. I stayed the night at his last night for the 1st time and we had a lovely time so not sure why he would need to test me

OP posts:
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