Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he joking?

222 replies

Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:05

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 21/07/2019 22:48

Testing you because you had declined his offer I mean. Technically you rejected him so he may have felt that you didn't feel the same way.

Myoldtable · 21/07/2019 22:48

None of his friends has a girlfriend?

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 22:51

In my message back saying sorry I'm not ready I made clear that I was happy with us so that was no reflection on us. Not all his friends. Just this group of friends going to the meal

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 21/07/2019 22:56

In my experience people who make a point of telling you they don’t like rejection always turn out to be trouble. Nobody likes rejection, it doesn’t even need saying.It’s like people who say, ‘you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.’ Well no, most people aren’t very nice when they’re angry, I think we all already know that. What they’re actually telling you is that they have a particularly bad reaction to rejection, or being annoyed, or whatever negative emotion/behaviour they want to accentuate in order to make a big deal about. They think it’s showboating, but it’s actually a warning, which you’d do well to heed.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 23:07

Also now thinking about it. When I left today he was going to a work event and his work friends had turned up early to pick him up. I was ready to go home so got my stuff and he walked towards me and I thought we were going out the back door. So walked away from him. I said are we going out the back and his reply was no I was just going to kiss you but f**k you and laughed. I was a bit like erm I didn't know you were going in for a kiss. Said have a good day and left.

OP posts:
PetrolBastard · 21/07/2019 23:17

Sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

MiniMum97 · 21/07/2019 23:19

You might be being a bit over sensitive. He might just. E joking to cover his hurt feelings about perceived rejection (ie declining his invite, spurning his kiss). I know that's not your intention but that may be his perception. he has mentioned he doesn't like rejection which indicates he has low self esteem. And remember you haven't told him why you want to take things slow so he may feel as if you we not sure about him which may be making him feel a little insecure.

Take things at the pace you are comfortable with, that is very sensible given your history, but l don't think he has done anything yet that means you should end it.

MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 23:26

All sounds a bit teenagy in the amount of headspace given to minor words and events in such early stage.
You are overthinking. Just enjoy and go with the flow.
Or leave.
Life is too short

Bookworm4 · 21/07/2019 23:27

He sounds hard work, snarky comments, he’s pre warned you about rejection; is this to train you up to fall into line? I wouldn’t agree to the all men night out; is that to parade you for approval?
Nah get rid.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 06:31

@minimum97 he has told me he has low self confidence. But that's his issues and shouldn't project that onto me. I also feel like it would be a bit showing off at the meal, like oh I have a woman I'm dating do you approve type thing.
I've had low self confidence before but I knew I had to deal with that myself not make people feel bad for choices they want to make

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/07/2019 07:59

So every time you fail a 'test' you don't know about he makes a 'joke' about dumping you or tells you to fuck off. He's basically punishing you for fail tests he's created in his head. And pretending it's a joke. He needs to look up the definition of joke!

Proper adult responses (not that adults set imaginary tests!), should be 'I was hoping to introduce you, but fair enough it might be uncomfortable for you so we can do it another way some other time'. And 'come back here so I can give you a kiss'.

I'd say that's two strikes. Next test and 'joke' I'd be gone. As you say, he's insecurities are his issue. He's trying to make them yours.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/07/2019 08:19

OP he doesn’t sound very nice, if fact he sounds pretty horrible, and no good for you whatsoever. The good news is that you’re spotting the little signs. Now I think you need to decide how you’re going to act on them. All these little ‘jokes’ will ware you down, even if you’ve no intention of letting them they will, because they’ll become the baseline of your relationship.If you’re really serious about avoiding abusive men then I think you’d do well to get rid, as soon as possible.Getting even a little bit dragged in is a bad idea. He’s showing you who he is, so act on the positive progress you’ve made in refinishing the signs and get him out of there.

MoominMantra · 22/07/2019 08:27

I think I'd be more concerned about him wanting to take you on a date with all his male friends. Men who try to do this are usually dickheads.

6 weeks in he should be taking you on decent dates not crap like the above.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/07/2019 08:33

Oh, and re testing you after you stayed over. Well it makes sense really doesn’t it. Abusive men are always testing, measuring up at the start, to see how they’re progressing. Especially as you’ve been taking it it slow. It’s throwing out his pattern of behaviour so he needs to know just exactly how far he can push. Don’t forget, it’s all always about seeing what they can get away with. They might think they’ve got you hooked but too much too soon and you might walk. Little pokes, little jokes, subtle hints of what he’ll expect you to put up with, then he can gage your reaction. If he thinks the relationship has legs then he’ll keep playing softly softly until you’ve been sucked in far enough, then you’ll start to see the real him. If you push back too much then he’ll decide whether it’s worth continuing or not. It doesn’t sound like he wants a strong, boundaried woman, it just depends whether he feels like a bit more work will pay off.

I really do suggest you think very hard about whether you want to continue seeing this man. Personally I wouldn’t like to continue seeing someone who casually told me to fuck off for seemingly no reason. It’s just not the way I’d expect a lover to speak to me, and certainly not after three months. I think what you’re picking up on is the real him, and you shouldnow act in your own best interest. Like I said above, you’re spotting little signals, but that’s only half the job done. The only way to avoid abusive men is to ditch as soon as you suspect. Trust yourself, because you are the only one looking out for yourself in this relationship.

dragonflyflew · 22/07/2019 08:42

I don’t like the little ‘fuck you’ missed kiss thing. I dislike that more than the all/men date and on a par with ‘I don’t like rejection’.
Personally those little things would be enough for me to say adios. Just make up some crap that’s nothing to do with him and then completely bin him off. Leave him to feel justified in his anger and bitterness. He sounds like a sulky little dick. (Possibly projecting here but he sounds like abusers I’ve been with, particularly the last one who was spiteful and had me questioning myself constantly), life’s too short.

MoominMantra · 22/07/2019 08:48

Saying 'f you' to a new gf is not a joke imo. He sounds really passive aggressive.

ElspethFlashman · 22/07/2019 08:50

Well I agreed with you from the start and I wouldn't go to a formal birthday dinner that early either. Especially when not invited by the birthday person, who may not even K ow you're coming. And no other women there. I'd feel like a piece of meat on display "Look what I bagged myself, lads". Ugh, no.

But the more you post about him the pettier he seems to be. If he's petty, best to know early, and throw him back into the sea early.

I think you should congratulate yourself on your instincts though. They're obvs working.

PetrolBastard · 22/07/2019 08:52

This thread is proof that you will get an LTB for literally every single thing posted on the relationships board.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 08:56

Thank you everyone. It's been 2 and a half years since I split with my abusive ex. I was in a refuge for a bit of time. These incidents are strike 2! I already had concerns about him but thought I'll give him a chance to get to know him better but to be honest it's getting worse and I'm seeing the real him now I think.
I've worked so hard with boundaries and spotting red flags and abusers. I'm glad because the old me would have not spotted these. I'm going to call it a day I think but I really don't think he's going to take it well considering he hates rejection!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 08:58

@petrolbastard what do you mean? You think I should stay with him?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 22/07/2019 08:59

Nah, at 5 weeks you are not that invested and just trying people out.

You're not "leaving" someone (cue dramatic music) at 5 weeks. Youre just shrugging your shoulders and going "Thank you, Next!"

And the thing about the goodbye kiss is that the OP actually made it clear she thought she was being walked to the back door. And it was after that, he still opted to be snarky that he thought he wasn't getting a goodbye kiss and fuck you. So she had literally just explained the confusion and he still reacted as if she had somehow been a dick and had just flounced out the door with nary a backwards glance. When she was literally standing there, saying "I thought we were going out the back door". That's a bit petty you have to admit.

MoominMantra · 22/07/2019 08:59

But she's only been seeing him for 6 weeks @PetrolBastard

I think people saying dump him think she can do without the sulky behaviour. And she's not yet tied to him in any way.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/07/2019 09:01

From what you've written - I don't like the sound of him at all. I feel he's overbearing. "fuck you" isn't good. Asking you to be the only woman at a dinner with mates isn't good.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:04

Look...everyone hates rejection. He’s not particular in that and as such, you don’t need to comply with everything he wants to avoid upsetting him.

The ‘fuck you’ was a possible heads up. He sounds rather brittle and maybe rather domineering.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:05

And yes, I wouldn’t want to be presented at an all male gathering either.