Was he joking?

[Moofreemum1]

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

@readitandwept he posted on social media he was somewhere else with his dog and it was a place he said he was going to take me on a date. He also posted it with a some relating to loving someone. It's a bit intense for 6 weeks! He has text me again today asking how I am.

I've removed him from social media now. He's been posting quotes and then just posted a song "rude" pretty sure aimed at me. In all my years of dating men I have near come across a guy like this! Even the ones I dated for years!

Crikey, sounds like you dodged a bullet - way too much too soon with him.

Your instincts are working well! I would also block him if you have not already. That is way too much.

Tbh I think you're reading too much into it. If I asked someone that and they said no they wanted to take it slow I would be extremely embarrassed and would probably try and cover it up with an awkward joke like he did. He's told you he doesn't like rejection so you know he's that sort.

For the record, I wouldn't see anything wrong with meeting the friends of someone I really liked after that length of time, so whilst you may feel that way, you can't expect everyone to be on the same page. It's not unanimously thought to be too early and everyone moves at different paces, to him it might not seem too soon or even like a big deal to have you there. He might have thought it was a fairly casual invite so wasn't expecting the rebuff. There's lots of things he could have thought but my point is that not everyone would feel or immediately understand why you would feel like this was too much too soon.

That said, if your gut is telling you he's too full on or clingy then you don't have to put up with it. But I wouldn't make too much about this one comment, he was probably embarrassed.

Well tonight it got worse. He realised I unfollowed him so messaged me a huge paragraph about how he thought we looked at each other a different way Saturday and how he thought things were great. And he thought it would have been a better option for me to have had a proper conversation with him and that he feels quite down by it all. All this after 6 weeks!
I had to be rude in the end and tell him he was being too much and over welheming me and told him to stop.

His reaction to this tells you you've made exactly the right decision. He sounds way too intense

Yup. He was always going to be one of "those" guys by the way he initially spoke to you. You are well shot of him op.

Agree that he’s best utterly avoided now.
No more discussion. Ignore any further contact completely.

Yes...it’s all a bit ‘eggs in one basket’ isn’t it? Ugh...get lost.

Yes I'm definitely going to be ignoring from now! In his last message he said I hope we can be friends again soon, so I don't think he's 100% got the message. Just hope this creepy behaviour stops and I no longer hear from him!

When someone tells you who you are, believe them!

'I'm not good with rejection' translates as 'if you reject me, I'm going to kick off and behave like a mad man, possibly harrass you for abit and then smear your name publicly'

Well done for picking up on these signs OP. There are plenty of none manipulative ways to tell someone you are upset rather than passive aggression disguised as 'jokes'

I really hope he leaves you alone soon as I've had a few like this that stalked me for months.

Personally I would have replied,
“I want to avoid any misunderstanding here. I have ended our relationship with a view to moving on. While I don’t bear you any ill will, realistically I won’t maintain any further contact with you. I hope you find happiness with someone else in the future. Good luck and goodbye.”

Then after that block him wherever possible and chalk it down to experience.

I told my DF last night about the stuff he had been doing and he said wow he's very passive aggressive isn't he.
I also now live by the "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"
I'm so glad all the time I've put into myself has worked and I'm now alot stronger to walk away from situations like this.

You don’t have to give him another chance (he’s already had one) or spend so much as a second trying to figure out why he makes you feel uncomfortable. If it’s not for you it’s not for you!

I know @pictish I'm not giving him another chance. Got another message this morning but I've ignored and plan to do so from now on

Moo I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for trusting your instincts and getting out of there pronto!

It's one of the most important things to learn when you have previously been abused because with any abusive relationship, there are always red flags in the beginning that were ignored. You don't owe this man anything and are perfectly entitled to walk away for ANY reason you choose.

For those berating the OP, it's sad to see people berating a woman who is doing everything right when dating after leaving an abusive relationship. She is being discerning and trusting her instincts which is so important (regardless of the bullshit reasoning you have come up with to explain his shitty behaviour). If you can't see how clearly abusive this man is then you really need to do your homework on what abuse in the early stages looks like and refrain from encouraging women to walk blindly into abuse.

The common thread in all abusers is that they have crippling low self esteem which is why they feel the need to dominate and control. Some hide it with fantasies of grandiosity and some are more forthcoming (I.e playing the victim card). That alone is a red flag because it's their issue, not yours and they should be working on that before they start dating anyone.

Thank you everyone for you advice and help

OP, this is a happy day for you, don't forget that.
You have learnt from your past, which is a wonderful thing to be able to know.

Well done.

Your future looks very bright because you have learnt to listen to your gut👍

Thanks @billy1966 I'm proud of how far I've come

Haven’t RTWT or however you write that but I immediately felt very uncomfortable reading what he said, whether it was meant as a joke or not. DH used to “ get away” with allsorts by saying he was only joking or I was misinterpreting what he said or overreacting or being too sensitive etc etc. Reading what that guy said brought all that back & rang alarm bells for me

And it’s “ the only woman” not “ women”. Sorry but that was bugging me 🙂

Just read this thread, what absolute twunts Petrol and Jellybean are 😂. Just pathetic the amount they felt the need to invest in this thread.

Well done OP, trust your instincts and keep yourself safe. He sounded a bit too high maintenance emotionally for a healthy relationship.