Was he joking?

[Moofreemum1]

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

@Moofreemum1 sorry it’s me again, hope you don’t mind further input. Like you, I’ve done the Freedom Programme, and the follow on course Freedom Forever. I wasn’t so keen on the reaction to you saying no and I don’t like the ‘f you’ either. Yes, FP graduates are probably hyper alert to red flags, good! It means the course worked. I’d rather make a mistake by letting a good one go by being over cautious than ending up with a bad one.

Does he know where you live? Are you friends on social media?

Thank you @fonduefrolics you know exactly where I'm coming from. I feel people who are saying I'm a nightmare probably haven't been in an abusive relationship.

Yes he knows where I live and yes we have each other on social media

Id find that inappropriatetoo

I have been in an abusive relationship. It doesn't mean that everything someone does thereafter is abusive

The man I’m seeing at the moment invited me to his family birthday meal after 4 weeks of dating but said words to the effect of ‘I’d understand if you felt it was too soon, don’t feel bad if you don’t want to come’. Yes, it was a nice sign that he wanted me there along with his family but I felt no pressure to go and only decided to go at the day before. I don’t understand why people aren’t getting it’s his reaction that’s the problem not necessarily the invite.

I don’t think you’re a nightmare FWIW.

‘Thank you @fonduefrolics you know exactly where I'm coming from. I feel people who are saying I'm a nightmare probably haven't been in an abusive relationship.’

You can’t blame your behaviour on being abused by someone.
This man is not your abusive ex.

Surviving an abusive relationship doesn’t mean you can go around giving men mixed messages and behaving the way you are.

It’s not fair. You’ll never move on and meet someone if you don’t break the cycle.

I love how you asked for opinions but only agree with those who agree. That’s not the purpose of this is it?

In fairness, if a man said he didn't want to meet my friends, I'd be thinking he was veering into fuck buddy territory. And then if he broke up with me after because he thought I was abusive, I'd be like

Steroids
"Fuck you haha"
Tells you he hates rejection
Tells you hes insecure
Sends an arsey "joke" text when told no
All in 6 weeks.

Look, as this thread attests, there are women out there who date total idiots, and will defend those idiots to the death.

They'll tell you that having sex with someone when you arent sure yet that you want to be with them long term is somehow you being an arsehole, for example. (How can you assess someone's complete character as a partner without shagging them?? I despair of the nonsense that women are taught about sex, as if it's some kind of magic contract that binds folk together for life, ffs.)

But you dont have to listen to those people.

Just look at those actions listed above. Do you still want to get to know this person? I would smile and say my goodbyes tbh.

Context is important. It sounds like his way of dealing with a hugely awkward situation tbh because OPs responses don’t seem typically normal.
Which is fine, but he doesn’t understand the reasoning, yet he’s still giving her a chance.

OP hasn’t behaved badly. She turned down an invite in a very well mannered way and received a passive aggressive ‘joke’ in response.

She didn’t shout ‘abuser’ she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now she’s been been rewarded with a ‘fuck you’. Another ‘joke’.

No not every man is an abuser. And the mantra at Women’s Aid wasn’t ‘all men are dicks’. We were reminded every week that ‘good men exist and are out there’.

It’s oft repeated on here that ‘when someone tells you who they are, listen’

Fuck off is hardly a loving phrase is it?

In fairness, if a man said he didn't want to meet my friends, I'd be thinking he was veering into fuck buddy territory.

What kind of gaslighting nonsense is this?

OP didn't say she didnt want to.meet his friends. She said she wasn't ready yet. Is that not allowed? Are you only allowed to shag people you're ready to have meet your friends? It took me a year to introduce my dp to my friends...

Why do women like to shame other women for having basic boundaries around who they want to spend time with?

I’d cut loose any man who said “fuck you” to me, especially this early on. Joke or not, it isn’t funny or nice.

I dated lots before finding my DH, and not a single one of my previous boyfriends, dates, or DH ever said “fuck you” to me. It will not be the last time he will say it to you either. I’d consider carefully if you want to carry on seeing him.

Exactly PetrolBastard.

Op was happy enough in his company to tell him where she lives, stay the night at his and sleep with him etc. Seemingly already well aware of his past.

And then holding what more than likely is an innocent and very jokey eff off from him (I don’t like it either but wouldn’t call it abusive of a red flag) against him.
She’d find out a lot about him by going to this meal out and seeing his behaviour around his friends yet- nah. She doesn’t want to because she now feels a bit like something isn’t right?

Too little too late for me, it’s completely mixed messages and it’s not fair on either of them.

‘AmayaBuzzbee

I’d cut loose any man who said “fuck you” to me, ’

It wasn’t even written in the original post, which makes me doubt context. Especially when it is sort of an advantage to the answer of the whole thread.

If I jokingly said fuck off to a man and he took it this badly, I'd think I was well off out of it.

No one said women couldn't sleep with men. But both men and women can lead someone into thinking something is going to turn into a relationship and this is a red flag that the OP isn't emotionally invested.

I should hope no one is particularly emotionally invested in a 6 week relationship. Jesus. To be invested after 6 weeks is a red flag in itself.

Definitely. Look at the last sentence of the original post, the catalyst of writing the whole thread.
His response seems perfectly normal (probably a bit more honest than most) and he is clearly confused that OP has shared lots of personal info such as where she lives, they’ve slept together and she’s stayed at his, but she doesn’t feel ready to see his friends?

It doesn’t sound like someone who is doubting someone’s temperament to me.

Doesn’t make any sense to me still other than stringing him along.

None of the fuck off stuff or steroids info are in the original post so clearly only been mentioned as something to make the OP seem extra reasonable as otherwise they’d be the first things op mentioned in the thread.

rvby You don’t have to be emotionally invested but you should be interested. Being interested promotes learning and without that you’re not really going to know whether to become emotionally invested.

Without interest at the beginning it’s not going anywhere and continuing knowing that is misleading and stringing along.

'To be invested after 6 weeks is a red flag in itself.'

That's everything wrong with the relationships board in one sentence.

I seriously couldn’t date again, sounds like people make it really hard for themselves.

Just live your life. Meeting new people when you have a new partner is one of the fun bits! Who cares that they’re all male?

Yes! Let's all get very invested with total strangers and do things we dont want to do, because relationships!! They are the most important of all things!

It takes a good year or so to know someone well. Investing at 6 weeks means you are investing in a fantasy, at best. The fact that some people manage not to ruin their lives by investing in a fantasy, doesn't make it a good idea in general.

I know women are typically encouraged to think as little as possible, and move as quickly as possible, when it comes to relationships. I put it to you that this is not in their best interests.

In my observation, folk who have little to offer in a relationship tend to get the most emotional about how "relationships these days are so [insert criticism]". The fact is though that things have changed in favour of those who have more sense. Going slow and keeping your wits about you is better for most people. It's not the stone age. We dont need to couple up and reproduce at the speed of light anymore.

If you only manage to get into relationships going because prospective partners haven't stopped to think, I'd say that's an issue, not.something to strive for.

OP, you're ok to not want to do certain things. You were clear and honest with the guy about it too. It does sound like he is, at best, on the insecure and bombastic side. It also sounds like that's not something that will fit with you. I hope you dont bother too much more with him. If you two were well suited, youd not feel as you do. all the best.

rvby She’s already slept round his house, he knows where she lives, it’s a bit late to be precious about meeting friends.

Again, it’s meeting friends. It’s non comittal! It’s just meeting friends, not moving in together, not getting engaged, not having a child.

Just meeting friends and getting to know each other better.

I do not move quickly in relationships, but I don’t understand why meeting friends after things the op has already done is such a big deal?

I don’t think it takes a year to know someone well either, it definitely takes longer.

I would say 2-3.
People change after initial relationship euphoria.

Thanks for the detailed explanation of your overthinking

I’ve been in my relationship- now marriage for over 10 years btw.
It takes a lot of work, each way. It’s give and take. If there’s no initial interest in each other then it’s more than likely going nowhere and it’s just a waste of everyone’s time.

I think saying ‘I want to take it slow’ is a weird sort of way of justifying shitty lack of interest tbh.