Was he joking?

[Moofreemum1]

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

@Moofreemum1 Yes, people can disagree but to imply you’re an abuser is both ridiculous and shameful. Please don’t take it to heart.

Wow Thingsdogetbetter how is that supportive?

Talk about hyperbole.

In answer to your question. I haven’t been in a physically abusive relationship but I have been in an emotionally abusive one yes.

So now he's a stalker and is actually one of us?

I don't think that kind of comment is very kind to make to someone who is obviously paranoid already. Not helpful.

Thingsdogetbetter

I wondered the same thing.

Oh blimey love, just dump him, sooner rather than later. You have concerns already, it really isn't worth it.

And if you're a bit worried about his reaction when you tell him, then all the more reason to get rid of him out of your life as soon as possible.

Its not him. If you read jelly beans past posts you'll see. He doesn't know I use mumsnet

Can you explain exactly what you mean by shitty behaviour? A woman or man is allowed change her mind about a relationship - even after sex! . She hasn't lead him on, she may just have changed her mind. All she has done is say she's not ready to meet his friends on mass yet? That's it! Where's the shitty behaviour? He's made 'jokes' about dumping her and saying fuck you for not getting a kiss she wasn't expecting to give. She has come on an anonymous forum seeking advice because she is unsure about continuing a very short relationship. She hasn't deliberately set out to ruin his self esteem. She hasn't even spoken to him about it yet. She hasn't done anything shitty that I can see. I see no excuses, I see no shitty behaviour to take responsibility for. Please enlighten me as to what you see!

This is the kind of thing I'm worried about for you, OP. You're getting people going off making all kinds of terrible motives for this person. When probably he's just a bit clumsy and awkward and said something a bit off. Have you spoken to any of your friends about this? Does anyone you know know him that could give you a heads up?

I'm going to step away because I don't think my involvement in this thread is helpful or productive for the OP. Sorry OP.

The "fuck you" is a massive red flag. And to all the posters berating/beung deliberately goady and nasty to op for being cautious - Jesus, shame on you all.

I literally cannot believe the excuses some posters are giving this man.

@Jellybeansincognito there hasn’t been any shitty behaviour by OP. She politely declined an invite to meet his friends because she didn’t feel ready. It wasn’t even his do! His reply, at best, was a poorly judged joke. OP didn’t run screaming she was being abused, she came hear to ask opinions from Mumsnet and got a variety of answers. One of the insidious things about domestic abuse is it leaves you doubting your own judgement. In isolation, his ‘joke’ could be forgiven as the actions of a disappointed man. But then we add the fuck off and the history of steroid abuse and it begins to get very murky. OP slept with him, so what? It doesn’t mean they’re inextricably bound for life. She’s decided on reflection, she’d rather not continue. And feels anxious about it. Because, no doubt, of her previous experiences. If you feel you can’t support OP in any decision she makes then I’d walk away from the thread.

I'm in the red flag camp. If OP was a friend of mine, I'd be concerned for her.
Its not just that most people don't like to be criticised or rejected; its that he is extremely sensitive about what he perceives as criticism and rejection, and his reaction is out of proportion.

@raspberryk would you be precious if you had been ground down by "jokes" when in fact it was put downs for years. I gave this example as a stand alone to see if I was over reacting in my thoughts? Then I added in the other things I had doubted of him and all put together I'm pretty certain I want nothing to do with him now

Jesus petrol and jelly sounds utterly fucking bonkers.

Op ignore ignore ignore.

If you have a bad feeling about him, end things. You dont need another reason to end a relationship. Being unhappy is enough. This has been 6 weeks of dating and so not even a relationship. Dont wind yourself up. Just say you're not on the same page and move on.

Reread rvby’s posts too. These are sensible.

Continuing with things with negative intentions, unless they’ve magically all surfaced today. It’s leading someone on and that’s really shitty.

How else do negative impressions arise, if not at a certain point in time?

I have certainly had many short relationships where I was suddenly tipped over into having a bad impression one day... How else does it happen? Can you explain the acceptable way for ones impression of another person to change?

Of course you can change your mind after sex, but op didn’t seem concerned he was a potential abuser when declaring where she lived etc.

... so it's only acceptable to see a red flag and respond to it, if you see it as soon as you meet someone?

Just to make sure I understand. You're saying you're uncomfortable with the idea that op could feel ok with someone 5 weeks in, and then at 5 weeks 1 day in, to think, shit I've changed my mind today, it's just happened and I dont feel right anymore. You think that's something op should feel bad about, or it's a sign shes somehow manipulated him?

See id understand more if your thread was written differently. The catalyst to your thread writing has nothing on the other 2 things, that should have been more of a concern.

Have you asked yourself why they weren’t a concern until people have said they’d find it a red flag?

I’m not the only one who doesn’t agree.

rvby There wasn’t any red flags to OP until people have said there are red flags from her OP.
Look at the last paragraph of the original post, that was her main concern. Not him telling her to fuck off, or his steroids- context is important, clearly didn’t bother her before.

The steroids were a red flag. He told me he doesn't do them any more and we had spoke about it together. Yes it has still been in the back of my mind. I posted these things tonight because it happened over this weekend and were fresh in my mind and giving me more doubts.

Glad you've decided to give this one a miss, OP. Too many question marks over it. It's good that you're listening to your spidey senses.

Don't doubt yourself OP. You wouldn't be posting here if your instincts weren't telling you something is up. It always starts subtle.

Nobody nice ever jokingly said 'fuck you' to me in my whole life. Never. But someone who turned out to be an abusive wanker once said similar.

If you're chucking him, keep it short and polite along the lines of 'sorry it's just not working for me' and if you can be bothered, make it sound a bit 'it's me, not you' so as to reduce the likelihood of narcissistic attack. Block on all social media. Remember you don't owe him anything, you've been dating six weeks, that's all. You're perfectly free to finish with him over anything you like.

Jokes can be a way of abusive people getting away with saying what they want, that's definitely true. And whatever his reason for joking, if it's putting you on edge, you're probably a bad match.