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Original poster

Was he joking?

222 replies

Moofreemum1 · 21/07/2019 19:05

Dating a guy for 6 weeks. Want to take things slowly as I've been really hurt in the past and usually I rush things which I don't to this time. He has just asked if I want to come to his friends birthday meal and meet all his friends. Id be the only women. So I've said I'm sorry I don't feel ready for that yet but that's not a reflection on how I feel about you. I said just want to take things slow.
His response was "Oh so clearly this is going no where then, might as well call it a day now" followed by I'm joking 😂 followed by no I understand as long as we are heading in the right direction.
I kind of feel he weren't joking but trying to mask it as a joke. What do MN think?

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2019 09:06

Talk about overthinking Confused everything from abuse to manipulation ! Take it for what it is - a guy making a joke but also showing you that he is keen on you and wants to forge a relationship with you .

Skittlesandbeer · 22/07/2019 09:07

Yeah, because so many people are just wildly excited about rejection!

He’s already hard work and it’s been just over a month? Sheeesh!

Although next time (with someone new) that you want to ‘take it slow’ maybe try being a teeny bit less honest and just say you’ve got something else on, rather than starting a whole discussion of ‘where we are at with our relationship’.

When your instincts tell you you’d like to meet the people in his world, then you just choose to be more available. There’s no need to show all your cards, all the time. Keep things a bit lighter.

And don’t accept language like ‘f you’, whatever form of joke he’d like to believe it was. Show your shock, and call it out. No one with a mouth like that would get to kiss mine.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:10

Yes, I always laugh when someone says ‘fuck you’ to me when I have failed to read their mind and perform accordingly. Ha ha.

PetrolBastard · 22/07/2019 09:11

I think you should make your own mind up about whether to leave him or not. Just be aware that even inviting you to dinner has now been blown up on this thread to him being an abusive, controlling, chauvinist freak.

Personally, I don't think any of this sounds like a particularly big deal.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 09:13

I've kept everything light hearted and fun. I had not taken things too seriously. I feel like he is after 5/6 weeks!
Obviously I know everyone doesn't like rejection but I wouldn't make it a big point to tell someone I didn't. You just assume people don't but they will get over it. They way he was saying it was like it would be the end of the world.
Yea the f you then comment really annoyed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 09:17

@petrolbastard it wasn't the being invited to the dinner that bothered me. It was his reaction to me saying sorry too soon but maybe another time. And the f you comment too.
When you've been in an abusive relationship you try safeguard yourself from being in that situation ever again so I feel alarms are ringing to me

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2019 09:19

I’d be very suspicious about the motivations of someone who made a big deal about not being able to handle rejection. I would worry it was a manipulative tactic to make me comply with his agenda from the off, especially as it has only been a matter of weeks.
I would say if he has big problems accepting a no, that is his demon to battle, not yours. You’re not responsible for him.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:21

Personally it sounds to me like you’re enjoying stringing him along?

I know you’ve been hurt in the past but with this sort of behaviour, you’re only going to upset people just because you’ve been hurt before, the past behaviours of other people are nothing to do with this new guy.

He’s asking you out for a meal to meet his friends, not asking you to marry him ffs.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:23

‘@petrolbastard it wasn't the being invited to the dinner that bothered me. It was his reaction to me saying sorry too soon but maybe another time. And the f you comment too.
When you've been in an abusive relationship you try safeguard yourself from being in that situation ever again so I feel alarms are ringing to me’

Then why is his whole OP an issue? If bells are ringing, cut it loose.
To me reading the OP, it sounds more like a joke from his part, a bit of insecurity. The way he dealt with it and how you reacted must have obviously validated that you are interested, just not ready.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:24

I mean it’s all very angsty for a few weeks in isn’t it? It should be fun and light-hearted as you say OP. A stable, self-sufficient adult doesn’t saddle you with his neurosis as a starting point.

I’m not unsympathetic but I already have three children to worry about. Don’t need a rude, selfish, overgrown fourth.

Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes.

PetrolBastard · 22/07/2019 09:24

If you've been in an abusive relationship before and you are looking for some clarity, you are unlikely to find it here as every single situation is deemed to be abusive. You can see that people on here have suggested that even him asking you to dinner has nefarious intentions. That's what I mean. You're not going to get a balanced 'average' opinion on this board.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/07/2019 09:27

Personally it sounds to me like you’re enjoying stringing him along?

She's only known him a few weeks, how is she stringing him along? This is so early in the getting to know you phase, and OP has concerns already, but isn't sure if she's being unfair on him.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:28

She isn’t stringing him along and I have no idea where you have got the notion that she is.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/07/2019 09:29

He did mention yesterday he hates rejection
And he has low self confidence.
He's rushing.
Love bombing.

Time to run OP.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:29

It’s a dinner with friends, but too much for op. I just find that a bit weird. You either like someone and you take interest in their life, their friends and interests or you don’t.

When you get to know someone’s friends, you learn more about them as a person too.
Learning how he would behave in front of his friends in this scenario would be extremely useful to op.

EskewedBeef · 22/07/2019 09:30

I don't think it's weird to ask you along to a planned meal, and I don't think it's weird to not fancy it (especially in light of his 'fuck you' moment ie it's not exactly a whirlwind romance and you understandably aren't committed to him).

He doesn't sound like an impressive character, tbh. I know it's early days, but they're supposed to be the sunshine and happiness ones.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:31

pictish

She isn’t stringing him along and I have no idea where you have got the notion that she is.

^ they’ve been dating for 6 weeks, it’s meant to be fun and fresh, with OP declining an innocent invite to a friends birthday meal, ifs not like he’s asking anything that needs commitment.

As I’ve said above, seeing how he behaves around his friends and what his friends behave like would be more of an advantage to her knowledge, not a disadvantage.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:34

Also, a lot of what op is saying context is extremely important.

I am not alarmed by any of it, yet.

raspberryk · 22/07/2019 09:36

So you are taking things slow but spent the night with him after 5 weeks which is fine but you aren't comfortable with dinner with friends? I'm not surprised he's confused.
You acted weird about the kiss too, you come across as really cold and for whatever reason slow or not you don't seem ready at all for a relationship.

pictish · 22/07/2019 09:48

Yes you did say that but I’m not getting the ‘stringing along’ part or how she is enjoying it?
If anything she has been clear and established about her wishes, so no stringing along to speak of...and it sounds to me like she is concerned rather than entertained by all of this.
What are you reading?

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 22/07/2019 09:51

Enjoying stringing him along? Where have you got that from? Hardly am, I've just been getting to know him

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:52

You’ve stayed at his house overnight, but don’t want to go for an innocent meal to meet friends? It’s a bit confusing, and why I think you’re stringing him along.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 09:58

Go and get to know him some more then? What a brilliant opportunity to gage what his friends are like and how this guy behaves towards you around them.

You want to go slow, but you’ve spent the night at his? It’s a bit rich of you to decline dinner with friends after that.

pictish · 22/07/2019 10:00

Yes that’s right Jelly and those are her choices to make. It’s not like having sex with someone seals the deal is it? Or do you think it does?

pictish · 22/07/2019 10:01

Just saw your latest post. You think it does. Okay, I’m not debating any further with you. We don’t share common ground on this one.