DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Or even the same as tour H, & all of them use & abuse you?

@CyclingMumKingston

hey there, I've been looking out for you on the threads but not seen anything.

Sorry to hear things are still tough -it's so so hard to know what to do.

I was in your position back when DS2 was 18mths and in the end I believed exH that I was over-sensitive and that all marriages have their problems.

I can't tell you right now whether I should have walked back then, I was close but ultimately didn't believe in myself enough to go.

Cue 15 years of this.

All I can say is that it never got better.

We had some really great times, honestly at times I thought we were the best and luckiest couple in the world.

We also had some horrible times and I progressively pushed down my feelings and did some unforgivable things like drop friends I loved and became a smaller person "for the sake of my family/marriage".

I only gained the strength and clarity to realise this was not ok after a whole series of events - success at work with a lot of tough situations that I rose to, a training course focusing on my strengths, 2 years of individual therapy, and finally 6 months of marriage counselling where I saw for myself that my H was incapable of change or even taking into account even SLIGHTLY my point of view.

I can't tell you whether you should "wait" until you are totally ready, I can't say that my life would have been better if I had left 10-15 years ago.

It took me a very long time to get here.

All I can say is that I had no idea how much space adapting to exH was taking up into my life.

I didn't realise that I was walking around with a knot in my stomach and eczema all over my body BECAUSE of him.

I honestly believed that there was something wrong with me.

Now, I can't believe how much space I have in my life and in my head for kids.

I feel bad for my kids that I was so caught up in anticipating their dad's emotions and reactions (even unconsciously) that I wasn't 100% available for them. But then I also think that they had extra years "as a family".

I'm not going to say "walk out the door now".

Even back in April or December when I came to the painful decision that I had to go, my heart was breaking.

I look back now and know with certainty that it was the right decision, but I can't do that for you.

I can recommend you read 2 Patricia Evans books - The verbally agressive relationship (even if you don't believe yours is abusive - I didn't really til I read the book) and "Controlling People".

They are free on Kindle unlimited now.

The "Controlling People" one totally describes why your H (and my exH) are so cross and full of hate for us (you have noticed this, I had that intuition too about exH).

It talks about "backwards connnections" and how controlling people see us as a "teddy" (or a doll) that they project all their emotions and opinions too.

"Teddy" stays at home waiting for them and agrees with them totally and knows what they are thinking without being asked.

It's better explained in the book but if you read even the first couple of chapters you will see.

If "teddy" starts objecting to things or offering up a "different" opinion, of course you are going to get cross, they are "breaking your perfect connection" (=true love).

If you can't afford the books, PM me (do you have kindle?)..

Please be assured that however long it takes you, or however much you need to go back and forth or just get a bit of comfort, MN is here for you.

No-one walks out on their marriage in "real time" on a thread.

You are "lucky" in that the scales have fallen from your eyes early on.

You probably don't feel lucky but you have choices and can try and get your H to see what's going on and give him a chance to change now, instead of waiting 15 years. If he doesn't, you can make your choice then.

Or if you have had enough now, you can leave straight away.

We are here for you, now, in 6 months, or further down the line.

I speak for myself but I know that all the amazing people who have followed my threads for nearly a year now are also here with a lot of very wise advice.

Another w/e approaching.
How are his visiting days working out ? Do the boys understand why they can't stay over, do they even want to stay over ?

So the boys haven't seen their dad since the weekend of the 5th, that is the only time since we had the judge's decision as exH has been away with work (again!) and not had them on a Wednesday at all this month.

This coming weekend should be with dad, but it's the start of the half-term and they are with me for the first week so he won't see them until the following Sunday.

Then they'll be with their dad all week Sunday - Sunday (the lucky things have 2 weeks off here) and that is when the overnights will come up I guess as it's a pain for them when they go for 7 days in a row getting up every morning and coming home every evening.

The boys haven't said anything for the moment but one weekend isn't enough for it to be a pain.

DS1 was a bit disappointed as he wanted to organise a sleepover for his bday at his dad's (bigger garden) but realised himself that he can't.

He's going to do it at mine (ours!) so that's ok.

I'm expecting some remarks or questions once they spend the whole week with Dad, it was the same when they spent the week going back and forth at the end of August.

My lawyer called this week, no news about exH appealing the decision but there are still a few days left legally.

EXH has written her an official letter through his lawyer to formalise a couple of timings on weekends and also to ask me to give back a notebook/diary of his which he thinks I have.

Is he phoning the much in the interim or has he just got absorbed in his work again?

Sounds like he is going to lose interest in the boys and focus on work. I hope not for the sake of the boys 😢
I hope he has the boys for the week planned

While it is a pain for them to come home every night, at least they/you will be able to find out what kind of things he starts saying to them and stop it in the moment. Rather than a week later.

Has a bit of space from their dad helped the boys to settle into their schools and new routine? Does it feel permanent to them yet?

I'm sure the nightly drop offs and pick ups for a week will be frustrating for the boys but definitely a necessary stage for everyone and a real test for xh to see if he can actually manage being a parent full time for 7 days. Will he take responsibility for all their breakfasts, evening meals and washing clothes etc even though they'll be sleeping at yours?

And how are you?

a notebook!!

Ah yes. I can see why he wouldn't want that hard evidence of his mental state in your hands. I agree that a precautionary photocopy might be wise, even if only as a private future reminder for yourself of what's really going on behind his facade..

Yes, I would definitely take a photocopy. As for ethics, well he's done very ethically dodgy stuff to you and the DS, hasn't he.

Yes, it's a reminder to me whenever I might have a slight wobble about imaging things- partly because after years of gas lighting I am sometimes unsure of myself and also because his whole breakdown was so surreal that I sometimes cant believe it actually happened.

So reading his notes about getting messages from the radio etc keeps me straight.

Unfortunately it also gives me nightmares, the last few nights have been bad.

But such a relief to wake up and fund myself in my own house able to make my own decisions.

Photocopy and put them somewhere safe from you all. Out of sight etc. But a solid reminder nonetheless.

It is creepy to think much of what he wrote is just an amplification of how he has always thought/who he really is

I wonder how long before the DS start seeing him as a bit "odd" as they increasingly build a life with you that actually suits teens/pre-teens better. Hopefully it will give them clarity to be aware of his motives and to not buy into his opinions.

Wow, you have come a long way since you first posted.
Well done 💐

That can't have been an easy read, jamais. Poor you.
No wonder he wants it back.

So, everything was reasonably quiet but today my lawyer confirmed that exh is appealing the judge's decision.

I was 99% sure he would, partly because he is so stubborn and sure he is right, and partly because it will prolong the process even more and cost me (and him) more...

I'm feeling shaken up even though I was expecting this.

I've read up about it and it looks like there's little chance of him getting a date for another year. My lawyer will call me in the next couple of days but that's what she originally said too.

What I'm not sure is how much "new information " he can bring to this appeal.

Is he going to be able to make more accusations about me and my parenting?

Does this mean that while waiting for the appeal, I have to feel like he's looking over my shoulder and judging everything I do with the dc? He has already alluded to that in several emails previously.

It's so stupid, if he wants more access to the dc he can ask me (he hasn't, and hasn't taken up all the visiting rights either).

Otoh, apparently if he doesn't appeal, this decision could be the basis for the final decision on custody and maintenance, and not appealing basically means that he accepts the decision.

I think it was a foregone conclusion that he would do this. The man is an absolute fool. Especially given the amount of access visits he’s been far too busy and important to actually be present for already....

What may or may not happen in the future does not have to steal away your peace & contentment right now.

It's ok to 'park' your concerns & thoughts about what he is or is not going to do. The time to deal with what comes will come ~ but it isn't today.

Remember we are with you.

Oh what a pain he is. But then you knew that already, eh?

You say there's little chance of him getting a date for another year
That's good because he wont be able to keep up the caring co-parent act that long. His Very Important Job will take precedence and he'll keep missing his times with the boys. Just keep going and quietly note everything, every missed session, every paranoid email, every unreasonable rant and by the time it comes to court he'll have well and truly scuppered himself.

What may or may not happen in the future does not have to steal away your peace & contentment right now.

This is what I am learning to do but it's great to have you all here to help me with that.

I have to remember that it's ok to be upset by this today, but that tomorrow is another day and so is the next day.

I mustn't let exh "steal" this precious time I have NOW with the dc, especially as down the line (if he is better mentally) they will be with me less, which is only fair and right.

It's tough jamais. You're doing great. Mind yourself.

You are such a magnanimous person, Jamais. You could easily be bogged down in bitterness, yet you aim at positive futures for yourself and your boys. This is why you will find it peace and you will move past your history with exh.

You just have to go back to what you were doing. Logging what he'd done or not done, and any concerns the children have. Then putting the book away and then relaxing.

Nothing will change in the forceable future, he has nothing to add but basically had to object.

Breathe deep and sleep well!