DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I'm adding my voice to the lurkers to say you're amazing, well done!

Also just typing a quick message to say I've been lurking since the beginning and am so impressed with how amazingly you've dealt with this entire situation.

Your kids are so lucky to have as amazing a mum as you are.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the next stage to go well and that the children will have the best possible outcome from the divorce.

You are incredible!

I have just read all of your threads, I hope you give others the strength needed to leave.

been following from the start and really happy to see your mindset turnaround from those early posts. This is the wonderful side of Mumsnet - a bunch of vipers we may be but when push comes to shove we are part of a community that offers amazing support and advice for women at times in need

I wouldnt be surprised if H has been on perfect behaviour this weekend, as he has an audience to impress. I am hoping the friends, pre-warned, will be able to keep their cards close to their chests and just follow through for the kids. I imagine he also will be spinning the story to them in the evening when kids in bed.

Onwards and Upwards xxx

Also been following from the start and am cheering you on.

I've just finished re-watching the Good Wife (for the 3rd time... it may be my favourite series!), so I'm here for my Alicia-fix :)

Another one who's read previous threads and would like to cheer you on as you continue. You've been so strong.

On that note, who wrote "The good wife" ? She must have been through the wringer ! ( no idea how to spell that 😮)

Great summary of your journey jamais. It shows how you now see the abuse and STBX for what they are. You are amazing.

It's like you have fizzling coming off you full of potential and joy. I have synaesthesia and everyone has something like this attached to them in my head. When I think of you I kind of think sparky.

And think how valuable your story is to them? To show how strong you can become (when you have to!) in such a short period of time!
And how your kids thrive despite your worst case scenarios!!!
Jamais, you leave Alicia for dead!

It's like you have fizzling coming off you full of potential and joy.

I actually really do quite a lot of the time !

I noticed how much I am laughing these days, with the DC, at TV programmes, and sometimes just with sheer joy at eating sandwiches for dinner 2 nights in a row - and getting into the new bed I chose and reading my book til whatever time I like - and most importantly walking into my own home and feeling safe and calm with no sick jumpy feeling in my stomach.

Jamais, you leave Alicia for dead!

I'm not sure about that, but I am certainly feeling more and more like her - the episodes I'm watching at the moment are really resonating because she is down and trapped (post election) and sometimes crying into her wine, but then pulling herself together and getting on with it and finding new challenges.

I definitely have my weepy moments too, but if Alicia can, I can too!

I can't tell you all how much it makes me "sparky" to log on and read encouraging message and know you are all on my side.

By the way, for the people asking how the weekend went for the DC with their dad, it was fine.

Our old friends stayed overnight and said they put all the kids downstairs in the living room to sleep and left their door open all night in case H started wandering or being odd. They stayed one night and so did the DC.

They said he was almost normal, if they hadn't known what had happened they wouldn't have known.

Apparantly the only difference was that he was speaking A LOT, and mostly a monologue (they couldn't really get a word in) and speaking very loudly.

They also heard his side of the story (I had spoken to them at length on the phone prior to their visit to give them my side).

They said he is very very angry with me and will probably make my life hell and is quite open about it.

They said also he "doesn't understand" why I moved out 5 days earlier than planned and why I am worried about him seeing the DC.

He is admitting to the psychotic episode but toning it down and then claiming it is due to extreme tiredness and now he's rested he's absolutly fine. Which is why he claims he has nothing to fear from a psyhiatric assessment for the court.

I pointed out that he has the report I made to the police about moving out, that "Sam" told him why I moved out, and that I also emailed him directly to explain it (on the advice of my psychologist) as it seemed to be bothering him.

He is also saying (again - it was the same with the pyschiatrist) that he doesn't know why we split up.

It was really nice to see them and I think that they do see my side of things, even though it is really difficult to comprehend when they see H looking "normally" - to be honest sometimes it just seems like some kind of weird nightmare to me too.

They definitely see that I don't want to make the divorce into "a war" which he seems intent on doing - our friend's sister is divorcing amicably with her husband at the moment and they see that this is very different.

I gave a few examples of him mucking me about, one of which while they were here - I had emailed H suggesting times for him to pick up the DC and asked him to confirm that he could drop them off for 5pm.

I had no news at 4pm until our friends texted and asked what time would suit me because "H didn't know what time he was supposed to drop off". I told them he moved the morning pick-up time to an hour later to suit himself (not me) and that he had neglected to confirm the drop-off time despite me suggesting a time and asking him to drop off.

Low-grade annoyances but the prospect of a life-time of this is not a fun one - I will need plenty of yoga I think or perhaps even something like kick-boxing!!!!

They said also he "doesn't understand" why I moved out 5 days earlier than planned ..
I wonder if he'd planned something of his own before he was overcome with his own illness?

I will need plenty of yoga I think or perhaps even something like kick-boxing!!!!
Both! They have their different results. I used to do boxing (a long time ago and at a very low level) and found that getting my pent up stresses out in a session left me feeling much lighter. 🌹

I think you're eyes are going to be rolling for a while yet, he really wants to challenge everything.
Confirm with him by email, tell the boys the time, and tell them you've emailed dad. Hopefully when they tell him he already knows he might stop this silly game.
Soon the boys will be old enough to sort arrangement with him direct and hopefully that'll ease the mental load.

Even if it was true its not that he didn't know why you moved out, in the cold light of reality, you HAD dicussed it, he knew you had found another house.
The rush to move was because the professionals advised hd could be dangerous
Whether he wanted a divorce or not. Well, its common for one partner to want to separate more than the other.. Tough eh . He doesn't get to have the final word.

& 5 days earlier or later makes zero difference in view of him being locked in a psychiatric unit at the time

Fortunately you cant "get" joint custody of a 12 and 14 year old they get to voice their preferences

Glad the weekend went as well as it could have.

Speaking in a loud monologue and not managing two-way conversations really does sound like he's still ill. That is not the normal behaviour resulting from extreme tiredness. I'm sure your friends could see that.

I'm afraid that longer term even after 'recovery' he will continue to be a dick because there's no cure for that, but be reassured that your boys are of an age when they will soon be able to circumvent his dickishness by being able to communicate with him directly themselves. It will be a lot less rewarding for H to refuse to tell his dcs what time he's coming to them pick up than playing the non comm game with you.

You keep being you. He will keep being him. The truth will out. Everyone will see it, bit by bit, until he has lost all credibility, all sympathy. Well within 12 months I reckon. Then you will have the benefit of the doubt from others. I suspect you'll give no fucks by then though.

Selective memory or part of his illness? Not sure, but be careful of his anger

The truth will out. Everyone will see it, bit by bit, until he has lost all credibility, all sympathy. Well within 12 months I reckon.

Hope so!!! I am generally seen as someone who is caring and cooperative and part of my job is dealing with conflict and finding solutions but paradoxically I think some people might delight in thinking that this is all a façade as H claims it is.

OTOH, for example at work, people know exactly how difficult and inflexible H is and weren't surprised that the separation was difficult (even setting aside the psychotic part which I am not advertising too strongly as it could be prejdicial to him at work - but the right people know - HR, bosses etc.)

A friend of mine had to flee her violent husband and told me I would have to prepare for some people not seeing my point of view or somehow blaming me - in fact, she noticed that my H was one of the people who seemed ambiguous about her ex (what a surprise - he outright said to me that there were always two sides to a story and that she probably provoked him too).

As you all say, I care less and less about what they think and emotional abuse is almost impossible to prove anyway.

Latest news from my lawyer is that H's lawyer is going to ask for the case to be deferred (I think he may be on holiday).

We are going to refuse, on the grounds that it is urgent to get provisional measures in place because H is still demanding to take the kids for 3 weeks in August!

My lawyer thinks that as the judge has accepted our request for an emergency date, she probably won't accept the defferal but you never know and it would be a real nightmare to have everything up in the air for another month or two, particularly for the DC.

If a judge decides that's one thing. If nasty mummy stops the DC from seeing their daddy, that's different.

Drop the nasty mummy.
Daddy has given me cause for concern about how well he can look after you at the moment. Because we can't agree a judge is going to look at it as they're impartial.

You're toght, I haven't said nasty mummy but I need to tell the DC ahead of H telling them.

Yeah but Jamais your kids are not toddlers. They will probably surprise you and see their father for what he is. Not all of it hopefully but enough that they will know that you have their best interests at heart and that their dad has been fishing for information, has spent along time in hospital and the rest. They will probably surprise you.

You are doing fantastic Jamais. Stay strong.