DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I wonder whether his 'nice' email is for show only: "Look how reasonable I have always been".

Hope it was a lovely Christmas

Hope everyone's had a lovely Christmas?

Mine was good, I was a little nervous about it, particularly for the dc, but it was relaxed and such a contrast to last year.

Finally caught up on some sleep over there, although since I've been back I've been looking at the legal stuff and waking full of adrenaline at 3am.

I will definitely look more closely at ptsd therapy, I will have to have interaction with exh for several years until the dc grow up so can't live like this being triggered everytime I hear from him or think about him.

@springydaff you are right I need to relearn who I am and erase exh's comments/view of me. Recently several people have said they don't agree with my description of myself (disorganized, messy, clumsy, clumpy..) and I have realised that I have taken his verbal abuse onboard and believed it.

Funnily enough, the book I am reading at the moment "Victory over verbal abuse" has an affirmation per week to repeat, and the first one is I am self-defining

As in, only I know who I am and noone else gets to define me.

Am taking 2 days to do a yoga/new age new year as new year was special to me and exh and I need to reset again before tackling the finances and appeal in January/February.

Will start a new thread for the new year.

of course to everyone in difficult situations, hope you can take something from my threads and the amazing advice on here.

Thank you for mentioning that book, Jamais. I am waking at stupid o’clock with my heart in my mouth three years after the death of my horrible mother. I have been diagnosed with PTSD also. I am going to download it. (Have been up since 3am)

only I know who I am and no one else gets to define me

Beautiful! I'm actually going to write this on a 3x5 card and stick it up next to my mirror to read every single day! Thanks for the inspiration!

“only I know who I am and no one else gets to define me”

Me too YouretheChristmasCarcass me too.

So glad to be of help or inspiration.

Putting the mantra on a post it is a great idea, I'll post next week's one when I get to it.

Just got back from a 2 day yoga retreat for new year. I have realised how much pain and grief I still carry and how much work I still have to do on myself but think I'm getting there.

Talking to other separated women, I see the blessing in the support I have had online- one woman who had divorced 12 years ago kept giving me advice and I realised that i have had most of it from on here.

She finished up by saying she thought i would heal much more quickly than she did as i was already doing many of the things she recommended.

Hope so... in some ways it all seems very raw and fresh and yet when i count back it's already been 8 months since I left and a year since I made my decision to leave!!!

Dear @jamaisjedors
DH has disappeared at 8am for the day and hasn't been back. After an argument where I stood up to him and didn't give in (as usual)
He says he wont be back and i can keep the kids.
One side of me really hopes it's TRUE.
He moves out and i keep the kids.
And relearn to breathe, walk and smile again
My kids are young enough not to be too traumatised.
My eldest is 3.
He was asking where is dad. I said he is working.
I hope it wont be too hard on him.
Sending you hugs.

Wow good on you @CyclingMumKingston

I'm sure he thinks he is calling your bluff and that you will be begging him to come home. Please stay as strong as I know you are, let him huff and puff and threaten. You can stay calm and start making plans. With such young children it will be a lot easier to stay in the family home, at least initially.

Can you get an appointment with a solicitor this week or next just to talk through options? This helped me enormously (this time last year).

@jamaisjedors I am at a very similar stage to you, this was my first Chistmas and NY free from a verbally abusive relationship.

I have invested in a sign board for my living room and am putting something different on there every now and then to help me to also try and minimise his remaining impact on me. Our DC are 1 and 3 so its going to be a while before i can completely remove him from my life!

Anyway this week is - What consumes your mind controls your life.

So im working at not giving him so much of my head space.

Can personally vouch for EMDR therapy for PTSD.

@Flyg What consumes your mind controls your life this is a good one, I keep catching myself obsessing/ruminating over exH and so am using this mantra too at the moment to switch over to something else.

Today we were supposed to be doing a valuation of our house but the estate agent got the date wrong. Luckily I waited in the car outside so wasn't hanging out with exH for an hour.

I feel a lot better since my yoga retreat. Watched "Marriage story" on Netflix and laughed out loud and some of the controlling bits from the husband and how he just could not see his wife's point of view.

I think that means I'm gaining some distance from it all as I was not sobbing !

@XenakisCarter I have been looking up EMDR and will definitely keep it in mind.

I need a little advice. I heard from mutual friends (Sam) that exH was very down over Christmas, stayed at home alone, but finally reached out to him and another friend to socialise together.

He has since emailed me (on NYD) with a long message reflecting on the year behind us and how he can't comprehend how so much disaster has befallen our family. He feels that perhaps the counselling was not the right route for us and that we only focused on the negative aspects and that our 23-year-long relationship was thrown away in 3 months.

He wants to know my perspective on this and then calls (again) for things to calm down between us and for peace forgiveness and reconciliation.

I'm not sure how to reply. I know I'm in no obligation to reply - he totally ignored a message I sent in September where I reminded him that we had loved each other for a long time, had 2 beautiful children, and now had to find a new way to have a relationship as co-parents.

Several friends have said he seems to have no idea why I left.

This still seems to be the case.

But I don't think there is anything more I can say to him to make him understand at this point. I've been telling him for more than 10 years without him getting it. He will never get it.

I might pull out a few words of wisdom from one of my self-help books seeing as he seems to be in a reflective, end of one year, start of another, frame of mind.

Any suggestions?

I would err towards not responding at all. Certainly don't go to the trouble of finding quotes from self help books. He's not being reflective, he's trying to pull you back in to his sphere of influence. Anything you say he will try to negotiate away. A friend told me about the end of her marriage; husband was a drug addict, having affairs, generally being awful. He'd promise the Earth and then it would all happen again. The last time he asked why she wanted a divorce, again making promises, she just said 'I don't love you anymore' - Stark and simple. You can give him examples of his dreadful behaviour, he'll minimise, negotiate them away, promise to change, but at the end of the day You can't live with him anymore. You can't love him anymore. You have given him 23 years of your life. That's enough.

but things are completely calm between you, as for reconciliation.. My God he is completely in denial.
You could say, all sorts of things, but he won't understand or accept, & will just encourage him to reopen dialogue.

Calm & peace is a perfect goal, I hope we can co-parent the DSis with mutual respect & that you can put your anger venom behind you.
However I am happier now than I have been in very many years, reconciliation is preposterous

@jamaisjedors

So pleased you had a good Christmas I took great inspiration from you back in March/April when I was at my lowest. I had a great Christmas having been dreading it thanks to meeting a new man, there's good ones out there!

Going through this thread (and the previous ones!) you have tried to explain to him SO MANY TIMES.

You can relax knowing there is literally no way you can ever get him to understand the problems between you as he is incapable of accepting his own faults.

I say don't respond, or just recycle a previous reply you've given and use it every time he does this (and he will keep doing it over and over).

As for the friends who say he doesn't understand? I would simply reply that he has made you fear for your safety and his inability to understand that is just one of many problems he's refused to acknowledge over the years. Tell them you have given up trying to explain to him as he has never accepted any previous explanation -- which in itself makes the problems obvious

The problem is that you haven't caved and gone running back seeking a reunion, he literally can't understand it because in his eyes he was perfect. So nothing you can say will make him understand.

If you'd like to reply out of politeness I'd copy and paste from your last response. It was polite and acknowledged your years of marriage.
So repeat it

still delusional that he was/is wonderful, zero awareness that you all tip toed around him.

Several friends have said he seems to have no idea why I left.

He knows why you left and why you did it the way you did. The fact HE can't believe that have left HIM is neither here nor there. And HE will never accept that you left because of HIS behaviour.

In an ideal world you wouldn't reply to him, but if you do I would keep it simple as in ' All the reason are in previous communications feel free to re read them. I will not be discussing this again". But it doesn't matter because he will never believe his behaviour was abusive the same as he doesn't believe he had a breakdown.

Yep still delusional.
It is who he is and he will never change, you know that. You gave him chance after chance and he made it ALL about your faults. And then he got dangerous to be around, remember?

I'm another one suggesting do not reply. You'll only end up having to scrape more shit off your shoe.

All the best to you for 2020!

I agree, still delusional.

Tbh, the email didnt make me think "oh, perhaps there's a chance he'll get it this time and things can be ok".

It just makes me sad and a little fearful for the future that he is still at the stage of saying exactly the same things he said a year ago "life together is/was fine, but I suppose if you find life with me so terribly unbearable I'll have to accept a separation... but really it's not so bad and... remember all the good times".

On repeat.

At the counsellors, at home etc for months or really years.

And yes, he became dangerous (he doesn't accept this and thinks it's a fabrication to get the kids). And that seething hatred of me was underneath all the time, just under the surface, in all the little cutting remarks or putdowns.

But denied.

Either total gas lighting but perhaps this same total denial.

I think I'm going to cut and paste my message from September and wish him better health in 2020 (that will wind him up !) and say that I have nothing more to say about this year that I haven't already said to his face or by email.

The ONLY thing I'd reference if I made a response would be his 'wish' for peace and forgiveness. The rest I'd ignore and make no reference to.

"Yes, I wish for there to be peace between us so that we can co-parent the DC amicably and finalize the divorce calmly and swiftly. That would be the best for all of us. Forgiveness may come at some point in the future."