DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

@jamaisjedors, the disingenuous failure to understand where it all went wrong makes a person want to bang their head against a brick wall, doesn't it?! A week after I said I wanted to separate, stbxh presented me with a self-flagellating letter of several pages detailing all the things he'd reflected on over the past week that he'd done to hurt me over the years (missed a bunch out as well, I'd say!). Thank God I was prepared for the hoovering and knew my decision to leave was final, so folded up letter (and keeping it of course). Last week stbxh was back to saying tearfully over the phone "I've done NOTHING WRONG", along with accusations of what I have taken from him as a result of my leaving. He is still the victim. I don't understand why, out of respect for him, I am not shouting from the rooftops to anyone who will listen why exactly I chose to leave. He is, to mutual friends and his workmates and family, very much the one who is suffering.

Is it not his mental health situation that makes him believe he's always right? Remember he's treated you like that for years, and he still thinks you're wrong

@everythingbackbutyou head banging against a wall totally !
and yes @FraglesRock I am now (almost) reconciled to the fact that his mental health (or personality disorder) makes it impossible for him to see my point of view or accept that I could be right.

Or he's just an a**hole !

Talked to "Sam" last night and he says just to not bother replying.

Wishing people a happy new year is quite a big deal here (like Xmas cards in the UK) so I may just reply to this email which is entitled "New year's greetings" with a cut and paste and reference to my email in September.

I will refrain from making suggestions about what would ensure a calmer, more peaceful relationship going forward, ie:

• drop the appeal about custody and just go back to the judge with proof that you are looking after your mental health and ask her to extend visiting rights
• ditto with the amount of maintenance, get it reassessed by the original judge

-stop accusing me of fraud, hiding money, lying...

I think no response, or the very limited one you suggest is best. The problem with controllers is that they seek to use any method of communication as a method of continuing the control/coercion. Knowingly or not. He simply cannot conceive of a world where he no longer is in control (of you and the DC). He probably never will but life will overtake him at some point. He will possibly find someone else to control.

I 've said it before. His mental health issues may exacerbate some of his behaviour but this is who he is regardless. He won't change.

I think I am just leaning to not replying at all...

He has created an ongoing hostile situation (taking you back to court, accusing you of theft and fraud, arguing about maintenance) yet wants you to be cordial and forgiving roll over and let him control you again.

So actually I see this as further evidence of his mental health/PD and think you should continue to grey rock.

You do not need to be a nice polite kind woman. Civil yes but nothing more than that. I think it's been sent to reel you back into conversing with him in the hope he can get one over on you somehow.

Agree don’t reply.

It’s a trap - he is mining for ammo.

Someone of this mindset is just looking for new info (Narc supply) so he can twist it, obsess over it to start a fight / continue a dialogue. He will read threat / hostility into a semi-colon. One MNer recently just sent the thumbs up icon to her x in response to each and everyone of his communications - whether that was pouring out his heart, ranting at her etc.....I thought that was hilarious and dismissive. But it’s not fully dropping the rope, grey rock, detaching etc.

Grey rock.

Let him talk to the professionals.

Also it is not your responsibility to walk him through this and soothe him......

yes, I agree in not replying.

Im think it doesnt matter if he is gaslighting or actually cannot see the problem. His personality disorder suggests the latter, along with the rewriting of history including his mental health episode.

It just shows that you absolutely made the correct choice for yourself and the boys

KOKO

Lets not Forget he dobbed you in over some undeclared income ...?
He seems to overlook all the vile things he has done whilst decreeing he has noidea why you left.
Completely obsessed by the injustice

I agree that whatever you say, will never make him see your point of view. Ever.

Bearing in mind you'll have to remain in contact as co-parents for many years, what type of response would give him the least space for aggro or manipulation? I'd probably do the email equivalent of grey rock and answer with a bland,
Wishing you a happy new year. I agree that it would be good if we can reach a point where the situation between us is calm and without further conflict.

Hi Jamais I’ve been following in awe of your strength and haven’t commented as others have been much wiser. I’ve realised I’m potentially in a verbally abusive relationship with a family member ... please can you say which books you found useful? I want to be able to recognise it and also stop myself from thinking it’s normal. Thanks

He is never going to get it. He simply cannot put anyone else's perspective or needs ahead of his wants.

I would also be concerned that he had perhaps stopped following his MH treatment programme and taking his meds. This drift into fake reasonableness and talking about "finding peace and forgiveness" reminds me a lot of how he acted just before his psychotic breakdown. Read back to your posts in May in the days leading up to his hospitalization - on the surface he was "reasonable" and discussing the practicalities of the separation - yet he kept trying to drag you back in and asking you if you had "found peace" (not to forget the shrine and reading the bible to the kids. This coupled with him shutting himself away over Christmas and now blaming counselling for all of the problems would make me worried that he is in a downward spiral and off his meds.

Be very careful.

Good point Lunde

I agree he'll never get it.

I've replied, this way it's off my mind and I can stop feeling I am stringing him along or getting his hopes up of a detailed reply.

It was short and along these lines

"Wishing you a happy new year. I agree that it would be good if we can reach a point where the situation between us is calm and without further conflict."

I copied and pasted what I wrote in an email at the end of August about us moving on now to a co-parenting relationship.

@Lunde I am worried that he is going off the deep end again with all this business of peace etc. it is very similar to when he did last time.

It just reminds me that thank god we have a system in place whereby the kids are back every night so I'm not out of my mind worrying that they are ok.

It reminds me also that this system is fair because he is still not stable, however well he is doing at keeping up appearances at work.

@Confusedrelation I read lots of books, but if you unsure if what you are experiencing is abuse or not (ie it's not physical or outright insults), I recommend Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" or "Controlling People". There are a lot of interesting insights in there and when I read them, I really 100% accepted that the relationship was abusive, which I had been dithering about before.

Just noticed this thread is almost full.

I'm starting another one because I still like to check in with you all for advice (like today over the email) and also hope the threads will continue to help other people.

Again, a million thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post and check in and offer advice and support - you are all amazing.

New thread here :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?watched=1

Thank you jamais I’ve ordered them

Thanks for starting a new thread and I'm so pleased you're finding it useful to be on here - I certainly am!