DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Predictable and laughable seeing as though he isn't making the most of his contact time.

You accept and believe that the DS should have overnights once he is well enough. This is not about you being less than perfect it's about him proving he is ready and capable to do more!!!

If the courts had any concerns you wouldn't have full time residency now.

Feel the fear, breathe deep and let it pass for it is unfounded. You a great parent and person. Your ex is the medically recognised paranoid delusional one that doesn't believe the truth, everyone else believes in you!

As you say "new information" will be interesting. In the meantime just keep noting it all down.

Also in a years time you might well all be in a different space and him having access might work ok. But try to park it until you get a date.

Good luck. 🍀

"I said, yes it's a shame daddy chose to go abroad when he should have been seeing you. "

Be careful how you phrase things OP.

Because if I was his lawyer, I would try and use the above to show that you are indeed playing mind games, and therefore his 'paranoia' is completely valid and not irrational.

If it does take a year, maybe he will be over this present mental episode, & the DS2 will be at Lycée, so changing school will be a moot point.
He will have them over night, but even he won't want them 50/50.
He is actually going back to court for nothing. if he is well, he will have them overnight anyway ( how & who decides this ?)
& I would be furious if I was the judge, at such a waste of precious time & resources, & tell him he has to pay all costs.
Get the divorce done, split as much as you possibly can. put this new on the back burner, noting down every time he does not take advantage of his days with DC, do you maximum to live well, enjoy yourself, go on holiday, Let him drive wallow in his own bitterness...... & Thank the Lord you found the strength to leave him

clearly did not reread, sorry Let him wallow in his own bitterness

Is this why he is so desperate to have his notebook back?
Is there information in it that he (or you?) could use in an appeal?

I'd be tempted to say that I couldn't find it & he must have taken it with him. See just how frustrated & angry he becomes...

jamaisjedors i started reading this thread earlier today but decided to skim read your earlier threads first and i want to say how lucky your boys are to have a wonderful, caring and supportive mum like you
also the change in you, your attitude and your resilience from then to now is, quite frankly, astonishing.. I have no doubt that you will rise above the whole sorry situation and come through it even stronger.
much love, and remember to be kind to yourself, no matter what.

xxx

Ditto that. Incredible evolution.
H must be amazed !

Did he call the book a “journal”, a “notebook” or a “diary”? Did he specifically describe this book? Perhaps you may have picked it up in a pile of other books but not known which specific notebook he was talking about, for example.... it could take you months to look through the boxes with the kids‘ old school things.

Notebook.

Yes it is tiny and just a regular v. small address book sized unmarked notebook.

It could easily have go put in a box with other stuff that I haven't unpacked yet. Or even at the bottom of a rucksack or plastic bag. Or lost altogether...

Ask him what the book looks like 🤣

I agree with your mum that you 'discover' it among the boxes and return it through the lawyers. He doesn't know what you've packed or unpacked yet, does he?

Whatever you do he believes you have it. By giving it back he'll be squirming wondering if you read it or not. You know he knows you know!

Is it possible that it could actually help you if it had it back. In that he'd maybe quote from his rambling or use it as evidence?
Is there anything in there that could actually help his case? If not I'd give it back.

What is Sam has the bag of stuff from the hospital, not you? Would that be feasible? Then he could “discover” this notebook amongst his own belongings, along with some of EX’s clothing, etc....
This could be amusing.

*What if....

has 'Sam' seen the notebook? Or perhaps you could give it back via his sister. Im sure she wouldnt mind handing it back if you happen to have a meet up with her first

I can understand why you wanted to read the notebook (and if I'm honest, would have done so myself) but it's extremely personal to him and it's like reading someone's private diary. You should give it back ASAP. You have no right to keep it, however valid you think your reasons are.

When you find it, Giving back via solicitor is strategically good, as he will not know how many folks have read it.

How do you think he could use it against you

Yep you're overthinking it.
Could you get one of the kids to 'find' it. Tell them to empty some boxes as dads lost a book.

Keep a copy secretly though.

Supervised unpacking