DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Like PP have suggested, Id warn the kids that dad May be upset with the judge’s decision. Good luck telling the boys the news

Does this also mean you can sign the boys up to whatever clubs they want now without ex permission?

Ok, in the end I procrastinated and told the boys just now.

They took it ok, but were sad that it meant no going away with dad.

They asked if I could make some exceptions to the times and rules.

I said that if anyone wanted to make a change it would need to be agreed by all in advance and not last minute and that if there was no agreement then the judge's ruling stayed.

I tried to stress that this rule works for both mum and dad and that it wasn't ME deciding on concessions to dad or not.

I offered to let them read the legal report, ds2 was not interested but ds1 wanted to.

He read the part justifying the custody arrangements and also the part about why they had not been seen by the judge.

I had invited old friends over this afternoon so they ate busy now and then the parents ate coming for dinner which will be nice too.

Re activities I still have to keep Exh informed but he can't arbitrarily disagree particularly in the circumstances which are that the activities he disagrees with are in "my" time anyway.

My lawyer says he could oppose a dangerous sport but not drama club!

Tbh if he opposes now it just makes him look worse and not acting at all in the DC's interest plus he can't guilt trip them anymore about it affecting custody arrangements because it's clear these arrangements are in place for the first year of treatment for exh so the whole school year.

If there are no incidents (medical or otherwise) in this year, we can reassess for the following school year and let the dc have their say too.

Well done jamais - all that hard work you put in. What a .

Fabulous updates Jamais! I'm so happy for you and your boys

Well done Jamais!!
You can relax a bit !
(Can he disagree & take it back to court ?)

No word from ex-h OP?

Im glad DS1 read the report.

Fabulous update Jamaisjedors! I’ve followed your threads from the very beginning and I’m so glad that the judge reached the right decision for you and your boys.

Has there been any word from your ex?

I’m guessing he hasn’t found out yet.... that or he’s busy shouting orders at his solicitor to try and get a different judge!

So pleased for you that this phase is coming to an end and you have some certainty even though it will still be hard for you. Just wanted to show my support, you are an inspiring mother! 🌷🌷🌷🌷

Wonderful update, your ex is def shooting himself in the foot again and again.

Wonderful! Have you closed the joint account now that everything is settled?

No word at all from ex and he hasn't called the DC. He's still abroad and probably "busy" ... that or as @justilou1 says :

he’s busy shouting orders at his solicitor to try and get a different judge!

My lawyer says that even if he appeals there is almost no chance of him getting a date in the next 6-8 months because the judge's motivations are clearly stated about waiting til ex has been on the treatment for a year with no relapses.

She says that the court will be in no hurry to get him an appeal date as the judge's decision is detailed and watertight.

Next interaction will be re his next visit. We had been working on "even weeks" for weekends and Wednesdays, which means he is due to see the DC this coming Wednesday.

But the decision says "even weekends" and "odd Wednesdays" so that puts it back to next weekend.

Unfortunately for me I have important meetings this Wednesday afternoon because I thought exH would have the DC.

I'll have to get a plan B in place but also deal with wondering if exH is going to turn up and try to pick up the DC from school on Wednesday.

I don't really want to email him about it, I think I'll set up the family calendar with the DC today so they can see when the contact days are and just wait and see.

I had a nice evening with family friends over for dinner last night with their DC, it's nice to see that I haven't lost many of our mutual friends which can unfortunately be the case in divorce.

I was a little nervous about how it would be but in fact it was a lovely evening and didn't feel weird at all without exH there.

I think it's a bit mean on the DC for their dad not to contact them when he's away. How long is it since they've heard from him?

This Wednesday could be one of the odd Wednesdays though surely ?
He hasn't got them overnight at the w/e

@Defenestrator they have been chatting to him most nights to be fair (he errs on the side of contact every day if he can) but the DC were busy when he called on Friday and don't seem to have called him back because he is abroad and not necessarily available.

@Mix56 on my calendar next week is week 40 so an even week - he will have them at the weekend but not this Wednesday.

Ah I misunderstood - phew

Great news all in all. We'll done you!

I think you are right to go on exactly as outlined by the Judge as in this weekend not Wednesday. Also to get guidance, as you are doing from your lawyer re any varying of it.

It will be astonishing if he doesn't respond badly to this, but hoping for all your sakes he doesn't.

I agree you must stick rigidly to the judgement schedule because you know that any varying from it, he will use it against you.

I would personally, contact the schools and advise them that he will not be collecting the DC on Wednesday; l would probably get your solicitor to contact his to advise that he should not collect the DC as per the judgement.

I've probably mentioned 2houses app before. It's French/English. Pretty good and designed for this situation.

I've ended using google shared calendar. I share it with DHs ex and the kids.

Well done @jamaisjedors You've been dignified and calm through all this. I'm so happy to read your updates and hope you've found this community on here useful. It's times like this I think its benefits really shine

I completely misunderstood the "odd" wednesday. Haha🤣

Initially, I thought the midweek contact was due to the day off but only just realised that a few years back, France stopped the free Wednesday and French kids now go to school 5 days a week. I used enjoy the mid-week free day off school but it could be tricky for working mothers. Mine had Wednesday afternoons off.

@Mix56 LOL at your "odd" Wednesdays - I meant odd and even weeks!

Thank god for some structure, can you imagine if I had to negotiate with exH every week to see if he was taking the DC or not?

@Grumpelstilskin yes Wednesdays are traditionally off (lots of back and forth on this in recent years) for younger children and all school kids have Wednesday afternoon off, hence contact on that day, but it only amounts to lunch and then driving to activities really (most sport is Wednesday afternoon).

So exH will pick up from school or outside my house once the DC have finished either at 11am or 12pm.

I have been appreciating having an extra afternoon to work in every other week hence all the work appointments this week on the Wednesday afternoon.

EXH has actually blocked off every other Wednesday now too, in the past, despite me always being full-time and asking him to do every other week, he refused and always planned classes on that day so I "had" to be home or ask for help from friends.

I got an email yesterday from my SIL (exH's sister who I get on with). I had forwarded her the judge's decision and she said it was very illuminating and she was glad to have it because exH has been talking a lot of rubbish and this way she has the facts (and can perhaps pass them on to his family too).

Apparantly exH has been telling everyone I'm verbally abusive and harrassing him via email (same old same old).

But he must have been slightly convincing because she even phoned our friend "Sam" to ask him if he thought it was true. He put her straight, but it's worrying that even someone who has always been "on my side" was taken in by him.

TBH it doesn't matter what his family thinks of me but I don't think it's good for any of us if exH is encouraged in his role as "victim" so it's better people have a picture of what is paranoia and what is true so that his own family can look out for warning signs in the future of any relapse.