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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DIVORCING sulking H!

992 replies

jamaisjedors · 13/07/2019 20:16

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/09/2019 15:56
Grin
OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 27/09/2019 15:59

Brilliant news!! I'm so pleased for you

Agree with others to emphasise to the children that the judge is a third party that has read in detail everything you sent them but also what their dad sent. This is not your decision.

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 16:08

I'm quite surprised he hasn't emailed you yet.
Who's got the kids this eve

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/09/2019 16:55

Ex is abroad. I have the kids tonight and over the weekend thank goodness. They see him in Wednesday next week.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 27/09/2019 17:00

Did he know the judgement was coming today? Could this trip away (at relatively short notice, I believe?) be a way for him to avoid the embarrassing (for him) situation where his contact would have had to be cancelled, because he was no longer allowed overnight stays by the court order?
If he'd had a warning from his solicitor that the court order wasn't going to be in any way favourable to him?
How devious do you think he can be?

Catmaiden · 27/09/2019 17:01

Just a thought!

GummyGoddess · 27/09/2019 17:07

I'm not sure what is in the statement, but could your dc read where it says the judge has decided? Then they would know for certain that it isn't to do with you being controlling at all, no matter what their father says.

CharityDingle · 27/09/2019 17:11

You were the one doing all the work anyway in relation to the children when you were with him, from what you have said.
So no change in some ways iykwim. Just a lot less sulking! Wink

I'm absolutely delighted for you and I hope that you can celebrate even if it has to be quietly Brew.

Haffdonga · 27/09/2019 17:37

So delighted for you all. Flowers

What a wise and fair judge. I'm sure the boys will be relieved that the period of not knowing what will happen next is over. I bet they'll be secretly happy to know they'll have the stability of one main home with you even though they wont let you know that Wink

Great advice from your lawyer to go and live your lives. Smile

LannieDuck · 27/09/2019 18:07

and exH has shot himself in the foot several times and it has been noted.

Curious to know how he shot himself in the foot in the eyes of the court? (If you're willing to say, of course)

LannieDuck · 27/09/2019 18:07

Oh, also congrats! :)

RandomMess · 27/09/2019 18:17

It just shows he is far more controlling and abusive then you have probably acknowledged to yourself.

Thanks
Wallywobbles · 27/09/2019 19:02

I just always said. It wasn't my choice or dads choice it was the judges decision and whether we liked it or not we had to abide by it.

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2019 19:05

And encourage them to think about it critically each time. Dad says ex but what do you think. Why do you think he says that etc?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/09/2019 19:19

Curious to know how he shot himself in the foot in the eyes of the court?

  1. He submitted "all" our emails and texts but omitted one deliberately where he is clearly paranoid.
  1. The day after the hearing he tried to get a mentally unstable friend to stay over so that he could have the kids overnight - my lawyer wrote to the judge about this. Her letter was not "admitted" but the judge clearly read it.
  1. The judge has decided NOT to hear the DC. She points out that the letter "from them" was typed up and used terms that are not used by a 12 year old and a 15 year old. It is apparantly very rare for the judge to refuse to see the children but in this case she clearly says they are being instrumentalised.
EXH shot himself in the foot in this instance by :
  1. typing up a letter and using legalese
  2. asking his lawyer twice to write to the court to insist on the DC being heard (so clearly showing he was behind the letter).
  1. The judge says that by insisting on 50/50 exH is not taking account the children's need for stability. I think if he had been more realistic in his "demands", he could have had EOW overnight. She is clearly concerned and points it out in the judgement.

Off to eat takeaway with the DC and chat to them if I can face it tonight, otherwise tomorrow morning.

I don't think their dad will call them tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/09/2019 19:21

In fact I'm not even sure he will have received the notification as it was sent to MY lawyer as we were the ones who took it to court.

I assume he will have contacted HIS lawyer but maybe not?

The abroad thing is work and has been planned for sometime, just another example of how he has no concept that work sometimes has to come second to family life or the DC.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 27/09/2019 19:48

I think he will be absolutely fucking furious, this is not good for his image is it ?
Be careful he doesn't show up at your house when he gets back.
He is going to say all sorts of vengeful hateful things to the DC
& It may make him flip out again.

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 19:53

I would probably touch on how upset dad is going to be about this, so please call if he gets upset when you're there etc
And how this is not forever, the judge has seen how ill dad has been and when he's feeling better and coping with our new lives we can look at changing it next year.

LannieDuck · 27/09/2019 19:56

Did your solicitor figure out he'd omitted one of the e-mails, and fwded it on? That was very on-the-ball, good catch!

Bouffalant · 27/09/2019 20:04

Fab news OP ThanksThanksThanks

Span1elsRock · 27/09/2019 20:17

I'm so pleased, having read your threads this has been a long road for you all.

Flowers
Mix56 · 27/09/2019 21:43

Jamais, They didn't really see him "ill" though. They were unaware he was missing, (& going off in sandals etc.)
He suddenly was in "hospital", psy ward whatever, but probably never really knew what/how nuts he was. So it may seem unnecessary/unreal/unfair to them

FromTheAllotment · 27/09/2019 22:09

Great news Jamais, I’m so pleased for you. Flowers

longtimelurkerhelen · 27/09/2019 22:22

A bit of peace at last Smile So So So pleased for you. Flowers

Dullardmullard · 27/09/2019 22:32

Congratulations on the outcome

when is he due back as I agree with mix that he is going to be angry and I mean angry so he will be looking to seek revenge. He might be re-admitted to the hospital with another psychosis

if he can't get to you direct he will do so indirectly through the boys. Be aware of this. Be waiting on it.

plus the boys may not be happy either but you can explain the whys and say it was the judge that decided as above.

plus when are the kids classed as adults in your country as here for me its 16 fair enough not emotionally ready but in law they are classed adults and they can sort out their own time to spend with dad as usually they don't want the older folks but have their own social lives, but not sure if thats how it works there.

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