DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Hugs and

You can say to the DS that in time Dad should continue to get better and hopefully overnights could start but for now all the experts say no.

Delurking to say congratulations!!

Oh Jamais I'm full of admiration for you and you are such a great Mum. This is fantastic news. Wishing you every happiness going forward in your new life. There's nothing you can't achieve.

Congratulations Lady

A massive relief.
Another one saying does that mean he's dropping his overnights therefore you don't get a break?
Does he have to pay what he owes in child support

Sorry, not dh - h.

Hurray for Jamais! I'm so pleased for you.

Brilliant news!

I agree with the PP. Tell the DC that this decision was decided by the judge, who reviewed EVERYTHING (including, their statements, how contact has been since the last hearing and all medical reports). They then based upon this had to make a judgement, on what would be in their best interests.

May I ask, were you given any guidance on phone calls, your decisions on after school activities etc?

They then based their judgement!

Long time lurker - that is fantastic news @jamaisjedors.
I agree with @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda in framing the discussion with the kids by saying that the judge having taken a very close look at a lot of documents that were prepared by a lot of people involved, who are all looking out for the best interests of the kids, made the call. It's for the time being and perhaps, in a little while, when they are older it can be reviewed (don't know if you want to put that bit in on the off chance that they may repeat it back to Ex). It is all being done because the people who love them most want the best for them and the medical staff and legal people came to this decision having weighed up all of the information they were presented with.

Congratulations again!

this is brilliant

Followed your previous thread and am so relieved that you are slowly achieving a more peaceful and harmonious life in spite of your XH’s shitty actions. It is hard when only one of you is mindful of the emotional impact on your DC. That’s the difference between a real and a nominal, controlling parent. It is so sad when a father carries out his petty grievances and constant attempts of controlling of his ex-partner on the back of the children. I think the only way to make it easier is to try and detach a bit and look at it from a distance, like looking back from the future on your life now. It’s a time-limited sacrifice, an emotional investment for your children in the interim to minimise any long-term fallout from this marriage break-up. The older DS is reaching closer to an emotional maturity to grasp some of the nuances but the younger one is still at an age where he will see things far more black and white and will get confusing, mixed signals due to his father trying to manipulate the facts. Guess while you cannot paint their dad in a negative a light, you can however honestly explain to them that the current terms of custody arrangements are a direct result of their father’s mental health and how it has affected his subsequent behaviour. Instead of letting him manipulate the narrative with you being the baddie for keeping him from spending more time with his children, you can impassively make it clear to your sons that the sole responsibility for increasing contact rests on their father striving to get better and address his work/life balance and putting them above his own interests and career. When he drops them/lets them down on his days, again address the fact that you are wanting to facilitate contact with their father but he needs to make the effort and prioritise them. And definitely address the sadly already engrained misogyny learned from their father that his time and career are more important and worthy than yours. I would constantly make it clear that both parents have to juggle work, hobbies, as well as childcare and that this is the reality of what 50/50 custody actually means. You are now two separate households and not there to pick up his slack but that he needs to step up. Obviously, this might have to be conveyed age-appropriate but it is an important lesson to ensure that they grow up to become more respectful and considerate partners one day themselves.

Delurking to say well done you. Those kids are so lucky to have you in their corner.

Amazing - delighted to hear this jamais. You've been wonderfully resilient through a very tough time.

That is such good news! Also demonstrates just how mentally unwell he obviously still is (unless it's also due to his undoubted abuse?) in not getting any overnights with the DC.

And great about the naintainance, presumably it will have to be a backdated payment? Is it more enforceable in your country?

Anyway, what a relief this must be for you

That's wonderful jamaisjedors I wish you well.

Congratulations on the decision you (and your DS's) deserved!

In terms of them being disappointed, and potentially blaming you, I'd position it as it being the decision of a super-important, super-intelligent judge, who has looked at all the facts, provided by DH, Drs, psychologists etc - like a scientific process, not a "he said, she said" thing.

He's not going to listen to what you or DH want - he decides what is the best for the DSs, and he has a lot of experience in making these decisions.

(whether he has or hasn't, your DSs won't know that)

or she - didn't mean to assume judges have to be male!

Thanks for all the support !!!!!

you can however honestly explain to them that the current terms of custody arrangements are a direct result of their father’s mental health and how it has affected his subsequent behaviour. Instead of letting him manipulate the narrative with you being the baddie for keeping him from spending more time with his children, you can impassively make it clear to your sons that the sole responsibility for increasing contact rests on their father striving to get better and address his work/life balance and putting them above his own interests and career.

This is very good advice. Up til now, it feels like I'm always the one controlling things or deciding. I think I need to make it very clear to the DC that the JUDGE has decided and that Daddy needs to use this year to get well and prove to the judge that he is managing ok with work, seeing them, medication etc etc.

Re maintenance/overnights.

He was previously only allowed overnights if a 3rd party was there. There is no mention of this at all in the decision. My lawyer says this is probably because we communicated with the judge about exH trying to get a mentally unstable friend to be the 3rd party.

I have emailed my lawyer to ask if I can allow overnights if I want to (ie in exceptional circumstances or next year if things improve or for visits to family).

Re : maintenance. There is no back-payment but it is payable from today.

The solicitor I saw said that as we were still married up til today (we are still married but officially separated now), all finances are communal including joint accounts.

So basically all income and outgoings up to today are joint and we take the state of finances from bank statements today.

EXH has undoubtably spent quite a lot of money recently, but then so have I (on setting up a home and rent) so it should even out.

If in the financial negotiation exH asks for finances to be separate from when I moved out, I would then ask for a sum of money to cover maintenance for the DC.

BTW, reading the decision in detail, I see that contrary to UK law (having read a thread on this recently) additional children and subsequent debts or spending by exH cannot be a justification for reducing or not paying maintenance.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband the judge is a SHE!

And yes to everyone saying this will be hard for me too - no overnights at all, having to be back on my "days off" by 9pm, having to stay around during half the holidays despite the DC being with their dad.

OTOH, the judge seems to be saying this is to be reviewed once exH has done a year on his treatment. So possibly by the summer holidays next year it should be possible to come to an agreement about overnights or even review the decision for the following school year. For the smaller holidays, I will just have to put my plans on hold and the bonus is that I get to see my DC every day (even if of course sometimes I long for a night off!).

Another lurker - great news! Re the overnights, if he can come up with a stable person who will also stay you could ask for a variation, but I would let things settle first. It all depends on him now.

@Catmaiden - no consideration of his abusive behaviour at all because we didn't bring that up at the hearing, just concentrated on medical information.

OTOH, exH provided all of his/my emails from May/June/July and he is clearly controlling and angry in them, and the judge seems to have read them.

Oooh sounds like that Judge was very astute and could clearly see what had been going on, previously.

Brilliant! I'd like to be a fly in the wall when that judgment lands in your ex-DH's inbox!