DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

So happy that things seem to be going well so far for the boys!!! I’m wondering how DH’s behaviour will amp up in the manipulation game with them once he sees them happy though.... he won’t like that at all. This does not play into his agenda one little bit!

Thanks.

Yes, I am a little worried about h, especially as the dc are with him today and this weekend, but "Sam" spoke to both boys and heard from them directly how well they are doing and will probably have called H too.

The boys also called their father and told him that all was well so let's pray for a miracle!!! And it may be that by the end of the month that ds2 does want to stay where he is, but I will take this one day at a time.

Havd a great day everyone. I'm feeling good because I walked with ds2 to school and then got on a train to work which is a nice start to the day rather than being stuck in traffic - and the exercise does us all good.

We may choose to pick up all sorts of worry rubbish along our way in each day or alternatively as I know you have been doing so well jamais we may practice keeping our focus on the good things.

Glad your feeling good. Feel that. Let it grow. Inspiring.

*you're

We may choose to pick up all sorts of worry rubbish along our way in each day or alternatively as I know you have been doing so well jamais we may practice keeping our focus on the good things.

I like this idea.

Lots of inspirational ideas on this thread which I will come back to time and time again and which I hope might help other people in similar (or totally different!) situations too.

Just letting you know that I have booked myself in for my first yoga class tomorrow, Jamais.... My husband and I are having counselling and seem to be clicking a bit better. (Different scenarios completely)

Onwards and upwards jamai, you're pretty inspirational yourself, I must say.
That's brilliant for DS2, as well as a familiar face being there, it also normalises things for him - hey, other people change schools kinda thing. It's a bit of new independence for him, and the food is good.

Loving your updates Jamais, you're steadily overcoming every obstacle! So glad you got schools sorted out

what a great update.
Hopefully by the time the judge hears what the boys have to say, and they see how much more freedom they have in the new set up, they will be happy to keep doing what they are doing.
They may even say that they were pressurised and told by your ex that it would be awful, so his plans to let them be heard could well backfire

Hopefully by the time the judge hears what the boys have to say, and they see how much more freedom they have in the new set up, they will be happy to keep doing what they are doing.

I hope so too, but for the moment they are still saying they want 50/50 custody which I'm not excluding as a long-term option but don't think is viable in the immediate future.

The DC are very concerned about what is "fair" and their dad has been feeding them a lot of stuff about this too. DS2 talked about this with his psychologist and she talked about quality over quantity.

What I really want is for them to be able to decide what THEY want and not take into consideration what mum and dad want but of course that is very difficult. Hopefully time and help from the psychologists will be useful.

He's manipulating the boys now and it's very sad to see. This is where damage is caused. It's great that they have a psychologist to talk to, I trust they are able to speak to him/her each on their own? Without a parent there? Keep on keeping on, you're doing so well.

Yes, they see the psychologists on their own and then if there's anything to discuss the parent is invited in afterwards.

All the 50:50 and being fair is out of the mouth of ex.

I hope the boys get to a point of recognising their wants and needs and feeling they can express them.

You are an outstanding mother, Jamais!

Rec50/50 I'd reply that that will be something to look forward to when exh is reliably well, eg when he stop giving you your ideas and the judge and docs agree he can cope.

Yes, this has kind of been my line all along, for the moment daddy is not well enough to cope with you 50% of the time and needs time to rest and recover.

If you still want to do 50/50 once the doctors and the judge are satisfied that he is able to look after you, of course that's what we'll do.

Sadly last night I saw some texts on DS2's phone (he's 12, I take a look occasionally) where he is telling friends that he is only in the new school for a month and that he doesn't understand why custody is only with me for the moment when we agreed on 50/50.

He also says that his dad just "cracked" but is fine now.

Then of course I had emails back and forth with H because he has sent a letter to say he needs to give his permission on everything to do with schools and there is a ton of stuff to sign in the first week.

DC were with him yesterday, but while DS1 was organised and got dad to sign everything, DS2 forgot several things.

I thought things had calmed down slightly but now H is contesting the fact that I am paying for school lunches !!!

Apparantly he doesn't want it to be seen that he is not contributing to the kids' upkeep (which is true so far) and wants to take the lunches out of the joint account and have his name shown as contributing.

I want the joint accounts shut down, and there is no way I'm setting up a new direct debit on them.

This is what I will say to him and also that he can just pay me half of the canteen fees for the moment.

And if he wants to prove he is contributing, he can pay me maintenance for the 2 months when the DC were exclusively with me.

He argues that as his salary is still going into the joint account, I am the one who is no longer contributing to the household and at fault.

It's just so petty and annoying and he is obviously totally paranoid in his email - so after having had a really nice day I then had a horrible evening trying to sort out the DC and their stuff and go back and forth with H and then didn't sleep really.

I see that despite the journey I have made and the strength I have found, it doesn't take much to tip me back over into sobbing and insomnia.

I was hesitating about sharing this but I want other people to know that just because on the outside I seem to be doing well, smiling and strong and keeping positive, I am still swinging back and forth between that and sleepless nights and grief/pain.

It is hellish and relentless. I get exactly what you mean about presenting as coping whilst dying inside. It won't change things but I am thinking of you. And am also in admiration. You are doing so well. KOKO.

Oh boy, you must just want to sing “Here we go round the Mulberry Bush” to yourself and bag your head against the computer! Can you tell him that all his emails are being CC’d to his psychiatrist as well as your solicitor regarding the bank accounts and maintenance?

Unsurprised at bank account issue as one of areas he still feels he has some control. It is not unusual. Attempts at joint diaries etc may also be made imo. Not related to DC ( though that is excuse) but to check up on us.

Bloody hell jamais! I read part of your first thread, I think until you started counselling, but then lost it. I can't believe all you've been through! I've caught up over the last couple of days and I'm just in awe of how amazingly you're coping with all this and how strong and capable you are. You really are an inspiration.

I started reading your thread because I have a sulking DP. It drives me up the wall, but I think he really is just a sulker - not a patch on the horiffic specimen you're dealing with!

Even though i lost your thread early on it had helped me admit to myself that DPs sulking is not ok and I don't have to put up with it. I've tried to stop second and third guessing myself to avoid setting him off - with varied success, I'm OK with just doing what I want now, rather than taking the path of least resistance. But I still struggle with actually bringing up a subject I know he'll get in a strop about. (like the way he insists on washing the dishes in the sink not the dishwasher, but doesn't do it properly so they're still dirty, for instance)

So I wanted to say thank you for the first thread, which really has helped me, and a resounding well done for threads 2,3 and 4 where you have achieved so so much.

I'm so sorry. What a git 😡

I'm sorry he is still being an git.

Can you arrange to speak to the children's therapist about him and with her help having a more frank discussion with the DC about what has happened with their dad and how it will be effecting you and then both in the short term and the longer term until he is better.

I see that despite the journey I have made and the strength I have found, it doesn't take much to tip me back over into sobbing and insomnia.

I was hesitating about sharing this but I want other people to know that just because on the outside I seem to be doing well, smiling and strong and keeping positive, I am still swinging back and forth between that and sleepless nights and grief/pain.

You're human. You HAVE made huge enormous progress in all of this. Fighting your corner and protecting your sons as much as possible from the fall out caused by his behaviour.
As for 'it doesn't take much to tip me back' - dealing with that relentless shit would wear anyone down.
If this was a novel, he would see the error of his ways, and everything would flow smoothly onwards. Unfortunately, it's not, and he is determined to keep fighting and shit stirring, never in anyone's interest but his own. Selfish yoke that he is.
Of course that knocks you back, temporarily. What a small minded creature he has shown himself to be.

It's hard for the young guy at 12 to understand lots of stuff. He will get it, as he gets a bit older.

Deep breaths. Talk to friends, talk to your psychotherapist. Anything that helps.
Keep on keeping on.

I think maybe explain how that if you were both still together you'd both disagree on things but would come to an agreement, and that the ds maybe wouldn't have agreed but as parents you do what's best.
But as dad is ill, he's not seeing the bigger picture and wants his own way, so the judge, and headteacher are helping. But even still the ds might not agree but that's what being a parent is.