DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

He's already appealing the decision for the school, he's emailed the head to ask for all the documents and copies me in (presumably to scare me).

I just bet "sam" a bottle of something alcoholic that H WOULD appeal, "Sam" said he wouldn't once ds2 is settled.

Not

But will need to explain this to ds 2 tonight.

Is he working now, do you mind me asking? Or does he have all day every day to devote to fucking up everyone else's lives?
Sorry, you don't need to answer that btw!

I'm not sure how to phrase this but have you let the children see, at any level, or said to them 'this is hard for me too?'

If he has not been allowed to return to work, can the children understand that he is still too unwell to deliver on whatever it is he is promising them custody wise?

Can ds2 understand the practicalities of how he would get to and from his original school and that it is not feasible?
If your stbex had custody, is that what he really wants, or is it just a weapon to use the children against you?

I have seen threads here over the years where as soon as there was a bit more to parenting than being Disney dad, the dad quickly found that it was actually hard work parenting alone and wasn't quite as eager.

Sorry for all the questions, you don't have to answer any of them. It's more so random thoughts on my part about the situation.

If the kids are hanging out with him a lot more and he's "lost this round" he will probably be rather ranty and obsessive. They might find this rather upsetting. He will probably badmouth you a lot to them. I think the psychologists are a great idea, OP. (Best case scenario is that the kids find him boring, tbh....)

He is doing it because he is abusive and controlling. He knows he's getting into your head by doing this, and by what he is saying to the DC ( which is also abusive). Whether he thinks/ wants or can do it is by the by at this point.

You know this but be careful, and again as low contact as you can. You are so much better for it I'm sure. This is often the most dangerous time for women when the perpetrator is aware he is losing control.

Hoping you manage some rest.

Could you explain that h is expecting 50% custody? Therefore it would be easier for him if ds remains at school no 1? & that would be reasonable if he was likely to get it. At this point its not likely. He is using this issue to punish You, but the reality is that the logistics are you are now separated, you have to work & have a new home. All the travelling is quasi impossible. Your H knows this.
Their father is supposed to return to work but no-one knows if this will work yet. & the judge has not give nhim 50% custody for this reason
Also the school board so far are in accord

I wonder if he'll have time to mess you around so much once he's back at work. Right now he's got nothing better to do so it's giving him something to pass the time. Once he's got a boss to please again he might find it's too much like hard work to contest everything you do. Here's hoping! What a selfish bastard he is for upsetting the kids like this.

H and I both work in higher education so in and out of work at the moment.

My mum said the same thing, once he's properly back (next week) he will be busier and hopefully calmer or at least less focused on me and the DC.

My mum also said the Disney dad will wear off once he's back at work because it's so different for him and such a strain that he will be back to his old habits before long. I can still see his work time-table and he will be pretty busy. He is a workaholic though and so I'm sure will find time to fit in some fuckery!!!

Re: other questions, I think the kids know how hard this is for me too, I've tried to put that to them without burdening them too much, but they have made various remarks which show that DS1 at least knows how much I have been doing and how stressful it all is.

I'm prepared to chat to them again tonight because god knows what H will have told them about the school issue.

Just ordered DS2's school supplies online so sorted for that.

Seeing as we are buying things from the joint account I have used it too and not stinted. If he needs a new bag etc. I'll see with him on Monday if his dad doesn't deal with it.

It's so so difficult.

Ime the headfuckery never stopped - on and on like a train, never fluctuating. With a few very serious twists in there now and then to turn the screws. I think you have to prepare that this will never end

To that end, I fantasised about taking off and vanishing with the kids somewhere on the planet. For various reasons I couldn't do that - more's the pity.

It's impossible. But I would err on the side of protecting the kids, regardless what it looks like. Because he will never be placated, and he's abusing the kids. Your actions are more powerful here - I wouldn't let him have the kids next week.

Normal rules don't apply, don't forget that.

A small victory for you today. That's a good start.

Talking to the boys I think it's best to be really completely honest and don't try to down play their concerns. If they are being fed lies by H just ask them to examine the facts for themselves.

e.g.
DS: You're ruining my life. I don't want to go to the new school.
You: You sound really angry and upset about it. I feel angry and sad too. It's such a shame that you can't stay at old school but it's not possible. What is your biggest worry about it?

DS: You are going to stop us seeing dad. He told us that you're going to court for custody. I hate you and want to live with dad not you.
You: I'm sorry that it's a really sad situation for us all and I can understand why you feel so angry. The judge will help us all make sure that it's sorted out fairly. I promise that you will see dad as much as it is fair and safe. Let's look at the days you have spent with him. You know I organised that for you, don't you? I don't want to stop you seeing him. Shall we look at a calendar and mark in the days you will see him if he's well? You can tell the judge what you want.

Oh wow! That’s a positive sign!!! I can’t see the judge wanting to change him back again!!! That would be weird!!!

Hopefully going back to work gives him something else to focus on Instead of just you.

Hopefully going back to work gives him something else to focus on Instead of just you.

Fingers crossed but not holding out much hope for that !

Funny how everytime I talk to people at work about how things are going with the separation, they are not in the slightest bit surprised about how much of a [insert expletive] H is being.

Today a close colleague told me he had always thought H was walking a very fine line and seemed often on the point of tipping over the edge.

Others have said "oh well he was probably very difficult to live with".

Every day that he continues harrassing me just reminds that I was right to leave and that however hard he makes things for me "at a distance", it's nothing compared to living with it day to day.

Yesterday on the way to the meeting at the school I listened to the playlist Mners suggested way back at the beginning of the year (or even in December, not sure).

Different songs have spoken to me at different times, but this one jumped out at me yesterday :

"'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I want to say thank you
Cause it
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks…

Not my usual style of music but the lyrics are spot on!

Hope all of the lovely people following my thread and bolstering me up with their support, advice, and comments, are doing ok too?

Every day that he continues harrassing me just reminds that I was right to leave and that however hard he makes things for me "at a distance", it's nothing compared to living with it day to day.

This struck me very strongly yesterday as I was reading the latest shenanigans from him. If you ever doubted yourself for a second - he has proven over and over again that you did absolutely the right thing.
I think you should laminate those few lines bolded above and keep them to hand.
Very interesting too, the reaction from others who know him.
Keep on keeping on. It's a tough road but you are doing great.

It's fascinating that colleagues have noticed he's difficult, even though previously you've said that other people thinking he's wonderful is very important to him. It seems it is so ingrained that he hasn't been able to mask it as well as he thinks.

Good luck with school.

The amount of people that told me they'd tolerated XH for my sake was remarkable - outweighed only by the amount of people who said how much happier and healthier I seemed within weeks of chucking him out!

Nothing like your situation Jamais, just a miserable drunken self obsessed lump who sucked the joy out if everything and took credit for a lot of my achievements. When I found out about OW I gladly waved him off. I feel quite sorry for her now - it didn't take him long to revert to type and now she looks as knackered and strung out as I used to.

How's it going op?

Hi, bit crazy for the last couple of days sorting out school stuff and dealing with H who was still telling DS2 until last night that he might be going back to his old school.

Luckily I had a letter from the head which said he was enrolled in the new school so could tell him that.

DS2 was getting quite stressed about starting school and everything else. In the end I organised with friends for him to meet a pupil from the new school yesterday.

DS2 didn't want to talk to him but the boy was lovely, and just chatted about how nice the school was, the food, the sport, etc etc. and I saw DS2 start to open up and smile.

We walked up there this morning together and at the gate he met a pupil from his old school who was changing too and they went in together smiling

Such a relief!!!

And then this afternoon he walked himself home, and told me it was cool, the kids in his class were really friendly, and the food for lunch was great !!!

DS1 started his new school this week too, but it was less traumatic because his was a natural (and pre-planned) transition, although he didn't know many people either.

They both seem happy with their schools (although it's early days of course) and we are getting into a more sensible routine, with a proper bedtime, chores, homework etc.

So hopefully we might have a bit of respite from all the upheaval for the next couple of weeks.

I'm pretty sure H will be maintaining his appeal against the school plus for custody - he's asked for the kids to be heard by the judge so that will be another thing to deal with - but one thing at a time.

I'm off to bed in nice clean sheets and with a much less heavy heart than in recent days.

Oh - and I managed 20 mins meditation today and yesterday morning which is definitely impacting my mood.

Thanks all.

@Weezol sorry about your ex but glad you got shot of him.

Today I told an old friend of ours what had been going on. She has always been very much in admiration of H, particularly when I alluded to any problems with him in the past.

In fact she was totally supportive. Shocked and sad about what had happened but not surprised by the way H is behaving now around finances, kids, decisions, control.

It was a relief to tell her - I had been worried about being judged, and it just shows me that people on the outside, even ones who like and admire H, can still see how his character could "go wrong".

Jamais - fantastic news and update, children are amazingly resilient.
However nothing better than clean sheets ❤️

So glad he had a good first day! Hopefully he'll tell his dad that and dad will listen!

Oh well done Jamais Boys and Jamais!

Hopefully now the new schools are not The Unknown. H will no longer be able to manipulate ds2 into believing the old school is better.

So pleased that DS2 has started new establishment & discovered it will be OK.
Can he say to his father he is Fine & happy & HE doesn't want to change?

well done to all of you - already it seems that life can, indeed, WILL, continue to get better for you. All three of you.

You are doing really well, Jamais - you should feel very proud of you.