DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Yes, It is going to be hard for Ds to change school, but if he knows the alternative is you giving up work, he will see that none of this easy for anyone. They love you & are well balanced boys.
with the school, think "Alicia", you don't need to talk to H, just to the headmaster.
I will check in asap to see the outcome (on another continent at present)
Everything crossed for you Jamais.
Sois Forte.

An opportunity to discuss Ds2's fears and anxieties in a safe place with you.

Give DS the gift of acceptance without having to add in your thoughts/perspective - give space to allow him to speak/express more - give more space to allow him to express the rest - no need to put your point of view across or even explain any how's or why's.

Allow him to get it all out each and every time this crops up - irrespective of whether you agree or not. There will be many more of these moments - especially as the DC begin to understand more fully how controlled they have been too.

Try not to point out the positive/negative of the situation he is in - let him work it out for himself as much as possible.

Teach him it's ok not to resolve everything immediately and that time spend considering is valuable time indeed.

I don't know if you were planning on mentioning that it would mean you giving up work but I certainly would not be mentioning that. Another weapon for stbex.

He is being beyond cruel in dragging this out and planting the idea in the child's head about 'needing support from his friends'.

In an ideal world the child would not have to change school, but in an ideal world your stbex would not be a nasty manipulative being.
It's not an ideal world unfortunately.

His dad has taken away his belief in himself. Talk about all the times he's made new friends and that old friends are still welcome.

It’s absolutely abhorrent of him to use and upset your son like this just to score a point against you. Vile man.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Fuck your ex and the horse he rode in on. I am really glad you are documenting these shenanigans as you shows how detrimental he is to the DCs wellbeing. I hope the final settlement is fair to you.

In the long run, the boys will see him for what he does. Hold on to that. 9 years of needling (at most - it will be the DCs decision before long) is nothing to the 19 you have endured.

I'm not sure why you've agreed to meet the headmaster with him. I think you could just email the head and say that since ds has moved house, it's not possible to get your ds to his old school so he will be starting at the school local to him. There's nothing else to say.

You ex just wants to make you meet him.

I think you need to be seen to be doing the right, sensible thing even though it's a pointless meeting

It's possibly pointless but my lawyer recommended going because our legal position is not totally firm as we have no decision from the judge.

Off to bed but feeling incredibly sad for the dc, ds1 has said he feels like everyone is angry all the time and would like to be kept out of all of that.

Plus they have written a letter with their dad asking to be heard by the judge.

He's obviously told them I am keeping them away from him.

That is sad. Reinforce that this period won't last forever, soon the judge will decide everything as you two don't agree. Tell him it's fine for them to have their own opinions and you want to hear them.

This is why you need age appropriate honesty about his bad behaviour towards you and them... you don't have to run him down but you do need to identify and label is abusive/controlling behaviour.

I'm so sorry this has happened OP, still in owe of your continued strength.

You also need to remind DS that daddy may have said that, but daddy has been diagnosed with a mental health problem and is not the best judge of what is best for his children at the moment which is why he is not allowed custody.

Please try to rest and sleep if you can.
Try to tune it all out as best you can for the next eight hours of so. Everything, absolutely everything you have done and are doing is 100% in the best interests of your children.

Tomorrow is another day.

...or so.

The DS seemed ok again a bit later after our chat but it's very sad because their dad is obviously feeding them one story and then they are confused because I say something different.

I have called their psychologists and asked if it might be possible to meet all 4 of us to discuss things with them present - H won't hear it from me that he has to stop sending messages through the DS but he might hear it from the psychologists.

Otherwise, I did manage to get a few hours sleep - progress I think because a couple of months ago I would have been awake all night.

I made myself do some relaxation techniques and the more you do them, the more they help I think.

We saw DS2's ex-head this morning, H wouldn't budge and neither would I. At one point it looked like DS would not be enrolled anywhere but in the meantime the head had a reply from the education board which said DS2 needs to be enrolled "temporarily" in the new school.

We saw the new head together (H and I). H is absolutely furious, total change in body language from the first meeting where he was sure he was right.

He can petition the judge if he doesn't agree with the choice of school - I'm sure he will, but this time he can be the one to spend the time, money and energy on it and I don't have to.

The only worry still is the DS. They are with their dad this week and he has told them that if DS2 goes to the new school, it will mean that H doesn't get custody. So of course they are torn.

I told the DS that this is not true, there is transport from our old house to the new school and anyway, DS1 is going to a school here too and it was never used as an argument for full custody.

I think DS2 is going to hate me for a bit because H will feed him lies and crap about me, I'm just going to have to take it.

What's not great is that H will tell DS2 that he is asking the judge to annul the school change so DS2 will be thinking that his new school is only temporary and that he'll soon be back with his friends, which is not going to happen. Not nice at all for him to keep on hoping when he now needs to move forward.

I’m glad school is looking a little more sorted. Well done for staying so strong today.

I agree with a PP who recommended some more age appropriate honesty with the boys. They know he’s been unwell but do they know the true extent of his manipulation and control over the years? Even just the top of the iceberg? And how that’s another arm of his illness that they need to be aware of. He can’t manipulate or control you anymore but he’s doing a very good job of manipulating and messing with those poor boys.

I know you're trying to be fair and behave in an appropriate and adult fashion (and succeeding extremely well) but you have to protect those boys from this abuse from their father. He is not - demonstrably - behaving in appropriate and adult fashion. He is using children to have a go at you. Why should you allow this behaviour to damage your poor boys? Stop contact as a direct result of his manipulative abusive behaviour. When he can be trusted to treat his children well he can have contact again.

You're doing so well, I know you'll have the boys' best interests absolutely front and centre, but it is not in their best interests to be exposed to their father's appalling behaviour.

That sounds promising going forward.

Whilst children have a right to see their father of course this is an example ( yet again) of when it is not in their best interests. At the present time. He is actively causing them harm in his efforts to continue his control over you all. But it is what it is.

I agree about being more open with the DC about his behaviour if an opportunity presents itself. As time goes on they will see it for themselves ( if they haven't already). He loves them of course, but that doesn't mean he is doing what is best for them either now or then. In my experience one of the most difficult things I had to do was trying to stop protecting my DC from who their DD was as opposed to the DD I wanted for them

Something along the lines of
It's been coming a long time but even I didn't realise how ill dad is. He will always want his own way, won't see others points of view and sadly will do anything to get it. Hopefully with counselling he'll start to see why we need this new school but it's between us and he shouldn't be giving you all this mental weight to bear. It's for the grown ups to sort, if you need to know something ask and I'll try to explain it but it's hard because I don't want you to think badly of your dad.

Whilst his mental health issues are a factor I'd be wary of making too much of it with the DC. Partly as he is abusive regardless. Also because you don't want them to look to his recovery meaning that everything will be be better.

It's really tough to know how to talk about it without bad mouthing him.

I'm glad the kids have the psychologists to talk to who will point out this behaviour.

I have called both of them and left a message to explain what was going on and will see ds2's psychologist on Monday with him anyway (good timing before he goes back to school).

I am taking on board the remark about not putting it down to his mental health all the time, good point.

Otoh, as I know that now H is spouting more rubbish about me stopping him seeing the dc, and getting them to wrote letters etc , I need to be careful not to bad mouth him to the dc.

We do manage to joke about it with ds1 though, as I did about my petrol not hurting the environment, which seems to be the way to go.

I've booked myself a massage for Saturday and have stayed home from work today (I choose my own hours and manage my workload) so might have a nap because I'm shattered.

I don't think keeping them away from their dad this week will help, however tempting, because it will confirm to the dc that what dad is saying is true, I'm stopping them seeing him.

Unfortunately its "his weekend" this first week of school as well as this week (end of holidays) but they will be with me every other day and home at night of course.

"Dad doesn't like that I have had to make the decision for you change schools without his approval and he is angry that I don't need is permission anymore. He is saying these things because he's angry at me" something along those lines?

But you're not stoping them seeing him. You're stopping him damaging them.

It's so hard, I know, but they need you to protect them from his abuse as they can't yet do it for themselves. And he banks on your fairness to manipulate you all all the more. I don't know him or you but I hate him 😁