DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Yes, great it was so easy for my name!

Unfortunately then things too a turn for the worse

Ds2s new school called to say they had had H on the phone and as he opposes ds being enrolled they can't enrol him anymore.

I explained the situation abs the head is hking to talk to the school social worker tomorrow.

I am also seeing a social worker who is following up on the report made by the school in July.

I had a total meltdown at work (private office luckily) but luckily my lawyer called me back, she is writing to H's lawyer to ask him to get his client to back down on this.

I don't think he will, so we will have to ask for another emergency hearing with the judge to get an immediate ruling so DS can start school in the right place on Tuesday .

My lawyer thinks the judge will rule in our favour because it's in Ds's interest but of course the heartbreaking thing is that ds2 came home in tears today after a "chat" with dad about how he needs all his old friends to support him this year and can't he just stay in his old school for one more year?

It's just not workable and not in ds's interests because there will be do much travelling and waiting around to do if he stays in his old school. And I would actually have to give up my job to be able to take him there and back every day, no hope of H picking up the slack at all.

The 300€ H spent today on ds1 (from the joint account I assume) fade into the background compared with this shit about schools.

Oh poor you and your son! He is in the middle of your husband's mind games now. He is trying to influence him but I am sure a judge and any social workers with be on your side.

Good luck, you are being very strong even after your meltdown. Take a breath and give yourself a mental hug

Of course knows you would have to give up work ... this is a shit move & totally selfish, you are the one dealing with all the shit while he wafts around playing Diddums. I am sure the judge will see the truth

Maybe put it in that if exh wants that school he'd have to do all pick ups and drop offs?

What an absolute nasty arse of a man

He must be desperate jamais scraping the floor to find all these ways to try to get to you.

He's much more likely to give up on something if it doesn't appear to work with you - although of course he knows how to manipulate you as well as you know how to appease him. Sometimes life is just a big messy tangle but you are getting really good at untying it all and purely focusing on the bits that work for you & your DC.

He loves to pull strings but he's actually tying himself up in big knots.

Keep finding your peace in the moment. He has no power over you.

Just read the whole thread as I’d followed before and just wanted to add my voice to those supporting you. What a dick he’s being. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Good luck with schools issue. Such a crap thing for your H to be manipulating his own child like that.

I would be seriously reconsidering contact with this man. His primary focus is getting at you and his DC are tools to do that. He is damaging them which is really sad. I feel for you all but I would be speaking to your solicitor about this.

You're doing so well. Stay strong.

Thanks for all the support, it means a lot.

I have emailed H as suggested by my lawyer to ask him to change his mind. It's a formality but it shows me explaining my position so can be used in front of the judge.

I saw a social worker this morning who was very sympathetic and is getting the school up to speed but legally they are in a difficult position.

However they definitely agree that DS2 needs to start at the "right" school and not wait til the judge's decision on the 27th September.

Kicking myself for not including this point in the discussions with the judge but I thought we would have a decision earlier than September so it would be clear one way or the other where DS2 should be going to school.

Site is acting up. Have been trying to post just to wish you well and fingers crossed that this gets sorted quickly for you and your child.

What an absolute arse hole he is, trying to use the child as a weapon. I wonder if he was to be asked how he plans to facilitate the child staying on at the school, what his response would be. Nothing, I'm sure.

Stay strong jamais, I know it can't be easy.

He is definitely going to love this drama, but I guess it is simply going to give the judge a pinpoint view into the accuracy of his diagnosis. If he hasn’t put his hand in his pocket until now to support his kids, it could be construed as a bribe also....

Hopefully he'll reply and it'll be idiotic and you can use it before the judge

Just been briefed by my lawyer.

Tomorrow DS2's old head has invited H and I to meet him at 8am to try to find a solution.

I know him and he is fair and he knows what has been going on but that doesn't mean he'll be a pushover and he will try to be as impartial as possible.

My lawyer has briefed me and is going to write an official letter which shows that the kids are resident with me for the time being and that there was no discussion of shared custody at the hearing, only visiting rights.

She also said I have to be absolutely firm that I am NOT enrolling DS2 in the old school and that I am resident in the new town and so is DS.

No backing down, no compromise, no finding other solutions.

She is going to write an official summary of the hearing, plus I have an email from H himself summarising what was decided for the interim period so proof that he is not in charge of the DS at all.

I know H so of course it will be tough but I am prepared for DS to not be enrolled ANYWHERE if it comes to it.

Unfortunately apparently there is no way to get a court date before next week, even if we put in the request today.

Positive thing is that H's lawyer is saying he doesn't want to get involved so he will have had no help there.

Now I need to be an OAK and not a reed, - no bending, no budging!!!

Well there is only one solution. You nad DC have moved. He needs to go to school. This school.

It is not about the school remember, whatever he says tomorrow, and I'd prepare for a performance. It is about control. The mediator may not be aware of how manipulative he can be.

Your approach sounds ideal. Good luck.

You sound like you've got it. Present all that, if necessary and without being obvious goad exh and hopefully that'll be the end

The fact his lawyer doesntt want to get involved speaks volumes, and certainly worth mentioning, as lawyers are known for refusing work unless its for very good reasons (Id say they know its going to really count against them in Sept)

You can do it Jam.

The head may have to be impartial but you have ds's best interests on your side, you have fairness and logic on your side, you will get the law on your side (if you need to take it to court) and you have good old-fashioned common sense on your side.

Keep going.

Just chatted with our friend "Sam".

He suggests telling DS2 tonight that as soon as the judge gives her decision, on 27th Sept, I will be enrolling him in the new school.

And being absolutely clear and firm with him about that.

If in the meantime he is in the old school, he will have to leave it after 3 weeks, so wouldn't it be better to go there directly?

Meanwhile I am compiling and printing my arguements for tomorrow morning.

As "Sam" said, I probably won't even need to take it to court, it would take a couple of weeks anyway so I may as well just wait for the decision and save myself the time, effort (and money!) of a summons again.

Because whatever happens tomorrow, I can move DS once he's resident with me (and my lawyer says there's no way the judge will decide he's resident with H right now).

The worst case scenario is that DS has to go to the old school for 3 weeks because the new school refuses to enrol him, and then he moves.

This is horrible for DS but I'm offering him a choice in the matter which I think H will respect if it comes from DS.

He will hate me for a while but the worst case scenario I was envisaging (giving up work, 2 years of to-ing and fro-ing and hanging around for DS2) is realistically not going to happen so I feel better and stronger knowing that I have less to lose on that front.

Stay strong @jamaisjedors your STBEX is an utter cunt. And I don't often use that word.
Using a child? My god what an arse hole.
And yes, all about HIM. HIS child, HIS control,
Well fuck him, he isn't the boss of you any more, or of the children :)

I agree that you put it to your ds that the choice is either he starts his new school at the beginning of the new school year on Tuesday or he starts 3 weeks into term after you've sorted it in court but that either way he will definitely be starting the new school. There is no option for him to stay another year because unfortunately that is just not possible.

I'm guessing he'll want to start straight away with any other new dcs. I'm afraid his father may not be so sensible.

Re: using a child, the worst of it is Ds2 came home in tears last night saying he absolutely wants to stay in the old school because daddy says he will need the support of his old friends

Poor ds2. His father is a prick. I hope he can be reassured by promises that you'll help him keep in touch with his friends by visiting at weekends etc

Could you organise a sleepover or something for next weekend with his friends to show they'll be still there for ds?