DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Of course he made the orthodontics appointment for the October half term when you have them, possibly off on holiday or with plans. More game playing.

It's positive to have calmly told him to change it in writing. But if you're afraid the orthodontics clinic might drop your son from care if you miss an appointment, you might want to call them and change it/discuss?

You might to factor that into the judges response that one person is in charge of doctor or dentist or only make appointment on your own time.

Well, I'm an oak and I have currently crashed and will probably never get up again and be what I was. But no worries, I will be something else - there is hope for us oaks

Didn't Paul McCartney do a song about 'bend little willow..'? I'm not sure you can choose what you are tbh but there's positives to all.

You're doing so well jamais. I'm so glad to hear he no longer frightens you just a pest who has to be managed. I remember coming to that and being amazed I had been in his thrall for so long. It's so great to be free 🌸

@springydaff I didn't mean to diss the oaks !!! Hope you are ok ? You have given me such consistently great advice and support on all my threads that it's hard to hear you are crashing yourself. Please PM if you would like to.

RE : orthodontics, I think it will be ok, if I hear nothing back from him by Monday night (I emailed him on Thursday so he has had time to call), I will call them myself and reorganise the date. I know the dentist, I don't think it will be an issue, even if we have to wait another month for an appointment.

I think once the DC are "officially" in my custody (presumably after the 27th sept) I will just deal with the appointments myself anyway, for the moment we are in a bit of an interim period.

Stupid me to think it was a good sign that H offered to make the appointment!!! Just writing it all down, keeping track and saying nothing until necessary.

You sound in a great frame of mind. Glad you found a retreat that works for you :)

Being charitable, is it possible H thought you'd want the appointment during your time, and that half term would be good because DS wouldn't have to miss school? Obv it hasn't worked out like that, but he may have been trying to do the right thing.

...or he may have been being deliberately annoying. I guess either is possible ;)

Being charitable, is it possible H thought you'd want the appointment during your time, and that half term would be good because DS wouldn't have to miss school.

It is possible that he thought half term was good for not missing school (which it is) and he also offered to take them himself.

However, knowing him, there is no way it escaped his notice that it was "my" week.

I'll see what else is available.

I would mention at some point it is counter-productive to book any appointment in the other person's slot without knowing if the other is available.
Of course you won't be dropping off Dc before work, when he is not actually working himself.
Obviously Both these things are engineered to make his life simple & yours hard/er.
Does he know your address now ?

No, he still doesn't know our address.

For the DC's sake I think he should soon, but I would like to wait to see how the return to work goes for him, plus how he reacts to dc2 changing schools, and of course the judges decision at the end of September.

It's not fair on the DC for them to be bring picked up in a public place all the time when they have to carry stuff and particularly once the weather gets less warm etc.

Even my psychologist seems to think there is very little risk now, and I have my cameras up and working well.

But I'm remaining cautious for another month.

I would wait too, back to work, (do you have to bump into him there ?) back to new school, (decisions taken unilaterally) the divorce, ( how dare you ?) the passage in court in Sept. ( esp if orders made are not what he wants) any one of these things could ignite another flip out episode

I agree. I may bump into him at work but hopefully will mostly avoid it.

Definitely lots of things which could tip him over into a psychotic episode again or just plain anger so best to wait til things are established into a routine which means there is no need for regular contact.

I've just been through the list of what I took from the house and discussed with the DC what we would like to take to settle up things concerning furniture.

Basically I have asked for the tumble dryer and the computer the DC use for homework (no sentimental value and useful and costly to replace). I added in a few other things to give myself some bargaining room and leave him able to say no to things if he wants to (make him feel he is in control!!!). Seeing as I can do without all of it, I am not worried about it at all and if he says no to it all, it will be witnessed by our friends who are copied in on the email.

His problem, not mine.

I had considered taking a couple of the bits of furniture which I might be able to sell on second-hand but really I don't have time for that and I'm not too badly off financially so I'll just leave it.

If he chucks a load of stuff (DC say he's buying lots of new stuff for the house), it'll be a shame, but realistically we don't need it and living in rented accomodation I don't want to have to pay loads of money to move bulky furniture in a couple of years.

...nothing (just before I go to sleep or when driving) when I start going over things in my mind again - I really need to break the habit of thinking about H and try to just behave as if he doesn't exist - very hard after 23 years together.

I will start by saying that you are playing a blinder jamais. If you were to read back over your own posts, I think you will see the strength that was always there, growing and growing.

In relation to the thoughts, absolutely natural, IMO. You couldn't spend 23 years with someone and forget them overnight. Of course not. A mindfulness technique that might help, especially at night when you need restful sleep is to say 'not now'. Give yourself permission to step away from your thoughts and to have restful sleep.

It may sound simplistic. It isn't. But it might help to compartmentalise thoughts ... 'I will worry about that tomorrow. But for tonight, I need and deserve restful sleep.'

His attempts at trying to continue to exert control over you via the email orders/arrangement are hilarious tbh. It is so transparent he still thinks he gets to dictate everything!

Gah, more crap today.

1. The kids came home worried because their dad now knows our address. He dropped them off and said "where is number 56? (Made up number)

It is the right number . I've told them not to worry and that we have the cameras up and so H can drop them outside home which will be more comfortable for them.

I will be emailing H to say I know he manipulated the kids to get the address despite being told by his psychiatrist that he shouldn't have it for the moment.

I will warn him there are cameras up, that the police are warned and that I will call him if he steps past the front gate.

1. H has offered to take dc1 shopping for new clothes, I encouraged it as H has contributed 0 so far since May.

Now ds1 tells me that he wanted to check what to buy with me because his dad is going to pay from the joint account.

I'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow to email him about that before he takes ds1 shopping.

Poor ds1 is confused by the whole thing, luckily I made reasonably light of it.

Fir the transport, despite me emailing to say no, H still told Ds1 to ask me because it will be less petrol and hurt the environment less.

I joked with ds1 that it's still petrol, just my petrol but we all know my petrol doesn't hurt the planet one bit

On top of that I've had an eye watering lawyers bill because of all the toing and froing (more lawyers communications since the hearing because H has accused me of obtaining evidence fraudulently), and....

It's our 19th wedding anniversary today.

Sorry, feeling a bit crap...

No great surprises sadly.
Just say, "I won't be dropping DC off I have to work."
Can you give DC a list of clothes he needs, make sure he KEEPS the receipt, then just return if wrong ? get in writing to H that as he has paid NOTHING for either of his children since May you asumed he would dip his hand into his own wallet, but Hey ho, the judge will see it for what it is & please get a life bottom feeder

I wouldn't email him. He is baiting you via the DC. And more to the point, he will do what he wants.

Just keep note of it all.

Why do you still have a joint account? Take half of it out and then he won't have access to your money.

The joint accounts are not closed yet because he hadn't transferred some of his direct debits off there and there are still some outstanding taxes to pay.

We are supposed to be winding them up in the next few weeks. I haven't touched them since May.

On reflection, (after a bit of meditation this morning), I am not going to email H for the moment because any information I have is through Ds1 and not "official".

So instead of warning him not to use the joint account and not to go near my house, I will wait and see. If he uses the joint account for ds1's clothes, I will buy all the school supplies for ds2 (enormous list) and get them an annual bus pass on that account too.

I made sure my security camera was charged and set up this morning so if H goes near the house today, I will have photos and footage.

I will not be the hysterical one, I will wait and see what he does and then see shed I do after that, and of course, keep a record.

Well done jamaisjedors. I think your approach is best.

He still isn't getting the satisfaction of contact with you but equally you are not putting up with unfairness i.e if he uses the joint account then you do so.

Sending elevenses . Keep on keeping on - you're a bloody legend.

Spot on. He will keep trying to use tactics like that. Absolute shame on him to be stressing out the children to score points, or trying to score points.

Hugs, it must have been rough, yesterday being your wedding anniversary.

Onwards and upwards, you're doing fantastic.

Thanks, I think it's the right call.

I watched the camera this morning and DS1 left but I didn't see H even at the front gate so he must have stayed in his car, so good, no need to warn him.

Just been to see HR to ditch his name from my mine (double-barrelled for official purposes but I only ever used my "own" surname anyway) and it feels good - it will be off my payslip and any official documents at work. One more step to freedom!

You are so in charge here!

You really have come so far in 9/10 months!!

You are one wise woman Jamais.

It's so manipulative of him to attempt to communicate and control through your ds. Of course the reason he's not writing all this in an email (which I guess would be seen by your friends and lawyers) is that he knows that his behaviour is underhand. He doesn't want written evidence of his dickishness, does he? If you'd sent an email in response to his messages you would have looked like the crazy over-reactor because there would only be your apparently unprompted response, warning him to back off.

Plus as soon as you 'accept' a message from him through the dcs he will for ever more use them as his messengers. Very very sensible to act as if any message via the dc just doesn't count. If he tries again just tell the dcs that their dad knows he can email you if he needs to tell you anything. It will take all the responsibility off their shoulders.

Congratulations on your name!