DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I wondered what lively countryside entailed

Glad it was amazing, glad you are not jumping to respond to Ex.

Yay That sounds perfect, so glad you got the "you time" you needed .

I don’t think i’ve posted since the first thread but you are a superstar OP. What a bloody time you’ve had

Oh I’m so glad the retreat worked out for you and that you got to go to the whole thing x

I will do that later if I feel like it.

I wanted to punch the air and shout 'Get in!' like I was at the football when I read that. Wonderful to hear you getting stronger all the time - there's something remarkably freeing about seeing something that would have set your nerves jangling in the past and thinking 'I just can't be arsed with it right now'.

Fabulous update!

there's something remarkably freeing about seeing something that would have set your nerves jangling in the past and thinking 'I just can't be arsed with it right now'

Absolutely!!!!

Fantastic update

I was right. Evolution, Baybee!!! This makes me so very happy for you!!! (And am considering yoga)

😀

@Lisette1940

@justilou1 go for it! I recommend it for the mixture of strength and gentleness/kindness that I'm going for these days.

Haven't answered the email yet.

Pondering sending a reply fir tomorrow, H's birthday.

Not very yogic though...

There’s yoga and then there’s karma.... they’re kinda sorta the same, right?

Lovely inspirational update

Or you could just not bother replying because you just can't be arsed! How wonderful! So glad you had such a good experience!

Do not wish him happy birthday.

Good to hear you sounding both rested and positive. Agree re no Birthday greetings.

It's often best to avoid any contact at all on specific occasions particularly given that they are times when controlling people are far more likely to kick off.

Am inclined to agree - do not go poking snakes with sticks.

Answer when you feel like it, just as you have said.
And I agree, I would ignore the fact that it's his birthday.

There's a cliche about 'what doesn't kill you makes you strong' and I personally discovered that this was true. As shit as the situation I was in, was, I actually learned a lot from it and came out the other side stronger.

Retreat sounds fabulous, I would love to do something like that.

CharityDingle with hindsight 'what doesn't kill you...' is very true for me.

Reminds me of the below, often incorrectly attributed to Darwin:

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change." Unknown

I absolutely agree with both of those statements, and the psychologists I've seen have said the same to me.

For example a few years ago we saw a psychologist at the hospital following diagnosis of a health problem for H.

She said to me that people are like materials, rigid ones like glass seem strong but will shatter under pressure.

The strongest ones are those which are flexible and will bend but not shatter under pressure.

Jamais there is an Aesop's fable about the oak tree and the reed which says exactly the same thing.

Everyone is in awe of the impressive strong oak tree and sneers at the tiny reed which bends in every wind.

But when the storm comes the oak tree is uprooted and falls but the reed is unaffected by the storm as it bends and survives.

I read this as a child (my book had beautiful illustrations) and have always remembered it as I often don't feel like a particularly resilient person - but I must be like the reed!

Keep strong like the reed!

@AnnaMagnani

I'm sure you are a reed - I think you are right, I am one too, someone on my yoga course said that about me too and it felt appropriate.

Next challenge is breaking it to H that DS2 is changing schools.

Ds is not that keen, so it will be hard to put it that it's his idea, but there's no other alternative. I'm not going to announce it until it's totally finalised but it will need to be done this week.

I'm expecting lots of backlash but not scared anymore.

So far this week, I've had a lovely time away by the seaside with family, only marred (slightly) by an email from H announcing he wants me to drop of the DC at his all next week in the mornings (I'm back at work, he's at home AFAIK).

I've arranged for DS2 to go to a holiday club and am sharing lifts with another family for that so have just refused and said I am dealing with DS2 and if he wants to see DS1 he can pick him up as usual.

He also "helpfully" made an orthodentist appointment for the DC bang in the middle of the week of the October holidays when I am due to have them, which would stop me going away. Of course he says he can take them himself on that date.

I have also emailed to say I can't guarantee the DC will be available on that date and said he needs to change the date.

No reply yet but DS1 says his dad is still expecting me to drop him off on Monday.

I am just keeping calm and said to DC1, "no, your dad has made a mistake, I've emailed him about it, don't worry".

Trying to keep to a little bit of meditation every day which seems to be working for me and enabling me to keep my distance emotionally.

I still have a lot of times when I'm doing nothing (just before I go to sleep or when driving) when I start going over things in my mind again - I really need to break the habit of thinking about H and try to just behave as if he doesn't exist - very hard after 23 years together.

And made no easier by his emails etc. Your replies are great. All the information he needs is in them, so if he comes back ignore and don't let him take any more of your headspace.

The abusive/ coercive dynamic continues in my experience long after physical separation and it's hard work breaking the habits of responding/ appeasing. You seem to be making real progress.