DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Get a second phone and aim for him to use and block him on your work phone.

Just tell him "it's no longer appropriate for you to contact me on my work phone".

Block him on your work phone. He has a means to contact you. You don't have to allow him access to your work phone.

Thanks, I've been mulling it over a bit.

I have got myself a new sim already for personal stuff and abroad but am just using the one phone (double sim).

He hadn't texted me for a while and never calls me.

If I block him next week while I'm away I'd be worried about any problems with the dc.

Otoh I guess his brother has my number and I could at least block H next week so that I can fully relax and enjoy my course/retreat.

Actually the simplest thing is probably to email H and copy in our friends asking him not to contact me at all by email or by text next week as I will be away.

Because he keeps using our email conversations as "evidence" in front of the judge, he is very unlikely to not respect that if I just ask him clearly in front of witnesses.

Up til now that had been a pretty effective way of getting him to do what I want and particularly now that it is clear that the onus is on him to prove himself as a responsible adult.

I think the filtering into a folder & only consulting his emails every X days would work best for you.
it gives you contol, say "I will not be contactable until x day, in event of an emergency call my brother"
You don't need to tell him why, where or with whom you are away, (he can ask the boys anyway)
it is 100% certain he will deliberately invade your headspace if he hears you are away at Yoga retreat !) doing something for yourself

Yes I agree. From now on tell him nothing about your plans, other if you need to re DC eg holidays. I wouldn't tell him you are away. He will probably quiz the DC anyway.

This sends him a message. It's also a practical exercise in distancing yourself. You can check your calls/ emails daily if you want to but don't respond. Your BIL has your number too in an emergency.

The art of not doing is a tricky skill to master but you're already on the way...... bravo jamias.

Yes also agree not giving any information. I wouldn't even say "away. I would just say "unavailable." In case of emergency contact xxxxx

OP, you're doing amazingly with all this. I can't even begin to imagine how you're managing to hold all this info about evidence and appointments with judges and lawyers and psychologists in your head, on top of fielding H's crazy emails and holding down your day job. You are officially fabulous!

email H and copy in our friends asking him not to contact me at all by email or by text next week as I will be away.

You know jamais, I think it might be better just to leave things as they are. It's none of his business really whether you are away or not and it might just make him worse as regards emailing and texting if he perceives it as a way of annoying you.
I'd say continue as you are, only reply to emails and texts as and when it suits YOU.
You are the one in the driving seat now and that's how it's going to be and while he will possibly never accept that, he can like it or lump it really.
Your decision obviously.
Hope you really enjoy the week.

Thanks all. On balance I think that the best thing is NOT to tell him anything.

He will probably find out from the DC that I'm on a yoga course but he doesn't need to know where, how long, etc.

I think it will be very good practice for me to be "mindful" about how I use my phone and email while I'm over there. I'll agree with the DC on times to call them and text them and be strict with myself about checking email.

Just had to write a long email to H about practical stuff, as usual it took me about 2 hours to write and our friends are copied in.

I saw our friends yesterday and they had read my email to H about the furniture - in the end I replied to H that the time I needed the furniture to equip the house has passed, and that when I really needed it he refused to let me take anything and was happy for his wife and children to move out with nothing.

My psychologist suggested spelling things out to H (again!) because he always casts himself into the victim role and she said not to let him wallow in that, it just keeps me in the role of his "persecutor" in his mind and will continue to enable him to justify his fuckery (sorry!) to himself and other people.

He does seem at least to be amenable to sorting out costs from the joint account which will be another negotiation but it's a good start as the suggestion comes from him.

He hasn't mentioned anything about financing the 3 months when I have been solely financially responsible for the DC but I am speaking to my lawyer about various financial things on Monday, before I go away.

In other news, had a lovely long walk with the friends yesterday afternoon and then they helped me put up pictures and hooks etc so the house definitely feels like home.

I wanted to reiterate what I've read on a few other threads recently, leaving someone like this is ridiculously hard but there has not been one minute when I have regretted it since the decision was made despite all the hard times.

The feeling of peace in my new house is amazing and I almost don't recognise myself without the sick edgy feeling I permanantly had in my stomach about what H would do or say or think.

Watch out, cheesy inspiration quote alert - but so true for me - and I am strong AND happy now

Lovely post, thank you @jamaisjedors

Great post and lovely quote.

Brilliant post and you're doing just the right thing for you and the kids ❤️

Great post Jamais. You deserve every happiness.

Brilliant @jamaisjedors the perfect cheesy quote - you really are so much stronger. Enjoy every minute of the yoga holiday and relax into that general sense of calm in your home that you worked so hard for.

This is so good to hear. And you are now changed in your interaction with him, you have taken control and are not jumping when he shouts, or trying to justfy or defnd yourself from his ridiculous accusations, nor when he tries to press your buttons.

That inspirational quote is spot on.

So impressed at how far you've come (having read 4 of your current threads). Can sympathise in some ways because an ex I was with for a few years got a diagnosis of personality disorder (I found out after I left him and the relief was immense to realise I was not the 'bad one' or 'crazy' or 'an emotional cheat' or any of the outlandish things he said or did or tried to make me feel).

Silent treatment is utterly soul destroying and you have my deepest sympathy that you still have to put up with his shit, due to your dc.

This time, however, you are not alone. You have your friends, family, lawyer, psychiatrist. All on your side. You are phenomenal for managing this with so much dignity.

Onwards and upwards in your new home and enjoy your well-deserved yoga retreat x

Well jamais, Have a resourcing time ! try & not worry about the boys.

You are living proof of evolution, Jamais!!! Cheers to you!!!

Hope that you have a lovely and peaceful time on your yoga getaway Jamais!

Jamais - I hope you enjoy the yoga retreat. You really are an inspiration ❤️

yes, hoping the yoga helps in every way for you xxx

Hello!!!!

Got back from the retreat this afternoon have just had friends round for a cup of tea, all is well.

The retreat was perfect in every way - little to no mobile reception (!), lively countryside, delicious healthy food, great teacher, and wonderful roommates.

I feel like I've shed 10 years and a whole lot of weight off my shoulders.

I am determined to try to do 10 minutes meditation every morning (we did 30 minutes every day) and several people remarked at the end of the course that I was "transformed "!

One of my roommates had been through a similar divorce herself, plus breast cancer, and she was so strong and amazingly radiant that it was very inspiring.

Everyone was very friendly, gentle and caring without being intrusive.

I got a massage and had daily siestas and read a book by Louise Hay "you can heal your heart", and wrote a journal too.

I took from the book that this relationship was necessary to teach me things about myself, and I can actually see a lot of positive things in the (nightmarish) way things worked out.

I'll list them later from my computer.

I now have MORE people on my team, in addition to all of you, and lots of invitations to stay in Paris for the weekend (if that is ever possible this year) and my 2 roommates and going to come and stay with me for a weekend.

My SIL gave me updates in how things were going for her husband (H's brother) staying with H and the kids and it all seems to have gone well too.

One email fein H during the week, which I read at an appropriate moment.

I haven't replied yet, he texted me this morning for a reply and I will do that later if I feel like it.

All brilliant, I have taken the step back which I needed to take and can now start getting on with life without him properly.

Xxx to all

Sorry for the stupid typos, obviously "lovely countryside " and not "lively " on a yoga retreat!!!!