Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

I can't really blame him for wanting a prenup. He has his children to consider and probably wants to leave his house/money to them.

You also have your own property so in essence, don't need his money.

I don't think marriage is as important once your children are grown...but that's me personally. It's only important if you both see it as a significant event and he doesn't seem to.

I also don't think not wanting to get married is "wrong" ...it's personal. I don't set a lot of store by it because I think it's based in antiquated traditions and needs a big overhaul.

I think traditionally men have FAR too much power thanks to the tradition of marriage. Women feel that HE must propose as that's 'normal" but they're then at huge risk if they also want or have children with the man.

So I think that the laws around marriage need to change. I think that once a couple have children and cohabit, they should be seen as the same as a married couple in terms of property.

That would be fair...and remove the imbalance of power which currently exists.

SO I'm not romantic about marriage at all....and your partner isn't either...which is his choice.

I think you are naturally disappointed as he's not into the idea of a romantic commitment...but this doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

I would take him up on his offer of marriage and also sign the pre nup agreement, if it protects both of your individual assets and agrees to splitting future joint assets.

What do you love about this man?. He does not seem to be at all nice or kind to you and I would not want to marry such a man. He does not want to share anything and he is only thinking of his own self here.

I cannot help but think you have been used here by him throughout your relationship. I would also now move out and reconsider your relationship as a whole.

The NAS have some very good resources for people on the autistic spectrum with regards to relationships and staying safe within these. I would urge you to look at those and consider also contacting them if you have not already done so.

I would want a prenup if I was him aswell.

£200 per month to household bills isnt s huge amount. In my opinion it's quite small. A lot less than you would pay on a mortgage or rent.

As you both have kids, I would want my assets protecting in the event I died first as well.

If this was me and dp and I would do to be able to live in the home. But I wouldnt leave it all to him as he could then leave it all to just his own kids, by passing mine.

In fact, I woildnt marry Dp at all and he knows this.

Your partner cant help how he feels about marriage. He isnt fussed but will do it because its important to you.

You havent even been together that long. Why the rush?

I don't want to be married out of pity

So don't get married. Carry on living together and enjoy your life. Why is getting married so important to you?

He has said that he loves you and is willing to do this to 'make you happy' but it sounds that even if he does this, you won't be happy anyway! Poor guy can't win.

And there's nothing weird about him requesting a prenup. He has his children to protect and provide for. If you're only chipping in £200 a month, it doesn't sound like you're contributing much to be honest.

Sorry seen you have lived together since September, but together longer.

Ignore my 'it's not been that long' comment.

Why do you need to get married? Marriage is above all a legal contract. By the sound of it you won't be having kids together. You are bringing assets to the table, but he is bringing more by your description. So he does have potentially more to lose. Do you need this protection? Are you making some financial or other sacrifice for his sake? Prenuptial agreements aren't weird, but they have no legal value and can be discarded entirely at the will of the judge.

Prenuptial agreements aren't weird, but they have no legal value and can be discarded entirely at the will of the judge.

This is true. But in a marriagevwiout kids and judge is just as likely to let it stand. So, imo, it's best that OP presumes it would stand.

As he has kids his number one priority should he their financial security. In his position I would go a step further and put the property in mine and my children’s names and write a will that would disinherit you altogether.

He sounds smart to me, you don't contribute very much at all.

Do not marry this man.
He doesn't want to marry you.
Disentangle your finances. Certainly do not buy a house with him.
Anything you have contributed or bought for his house is a gift from you to him, not an investment in your future. At present you have no rights.
Take a long, hard look at this. Forget the marriage. Without marriage, do you want to continue contributing to his comfort? Why would you do that?
Establish your own household, and if you keep in touch with him, see him as an added extra, a little light entertainment.
I'm ASD, too. And high functioning. Sometimes it helps. Take the emotion out of the situation and see how it looks.

And HennyPennyHorror I'm trying to understand what you mean by "I think traditionally men have FAR too much power thanks to the tradition of marriage". Whatever legal rights men had in marriage have largely been dismantled. You mean access to the husbands wages, pensions and other assets, which might have been due in part to sacrifices made by the wife? I'm not sure about that. But if you think these should be made available to defacto, cohabiting partners, that would open a whole can of worms.

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it!

@Teddybear45 Wow! Did you actually read that I have a house of my own to sell? And that we are going to buy a house together with my money? But you think he should 'disinherit' me in a will? Wtf?

He doesn't want to get married - fair enough that is his choice and he's told you he's only doing it because you want to & you still want to go through with it.

Why is getting married so important?

Nothing wrong with wanting score-nup. Not the most romantic words ever said but sensible ones.

You might be all lovey dovey now but 15 years down the line he or you might be so bitter you want to take each other to the cleaners and back.

Willowcat77 in all honesty I would not leave the bulk of my assets to dp.

I would like him to remain in house until he dies or chooses not to live there. However my assets will be left to my children.

Its not that unusual for people who are marrying someone they wont have kids with.

You may know you wouldnt do this. But if he dies and leaves it too you, what's to stop you either spending it all or leaving it all to your own kids.

Not a risk I would take.

What sort of age are you both? With grown up children, houses each, a prenup seems sensible, and he may be feeling a bit embarrassed at the idea of getting married at his age (whatever it is!)? But a lot of people love the idea of a marriage so it's quite uncaring of him to get 'exasperated' at you. I would try to tell him about your feelings re marriage and how important it is to you, but accept that he doesn't feel the same. To me his insensitivity is the more worrying aspect of it all.

It's understandable he'd want his preexisting assets to go to his children rather than you. And of course you get the same protection. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

You both have grown up children and quite frankly I'd do the same if I got married again. I want my son to inherit everything I have not another husband.
I know that sounds hurtful bit do we not all put our children first.
I learnt this lesson hard on my last marriage when I had to give my ex a payoff with the money I'd saved to help my son onto the housing ladder.
I was so upset about that. I loved my husband but he dumped me and took me to court for the money.
I'll never get married again no matter how much I love somebody.

It all sounds a bit cold and loveless.

@QuiFaitCa I'm 50 and he's 55.

To those who think my £200 contribution is not enough, this is the sum he asked for! I also buy lots of things for the household on top of this.

DF remarried following death of DM, whose assets had been left to him. He did not have a pre nup and when he died three years later his wife inherited everything. On her death the money went to her children.

This is not what either of my parents would have wanted. Would have been much better if he had either not married or had had the sense to arrange a pre nup.
His new partner was adamant that they should marry and I can see why.

It all sounds a bit cold and loveless

I’d say sensible

PS: I have offered to pay more but he refused cos I am on a fraction of his salary

Why do you want to buy a house together

Can you afford your own home and rent it out as an investment

Stop buying stuff for his house

You pay him rent -

My DP also said he 'doesn't believe in marriage' however he also said he would marry me as he knows how much it means to me.

At first, I felt the same as you a bit confused and hurt however we've had some honest chats and he has said there is not one else he would rather marry than me. He just explained that men see marriage differently.

I think women see it as this life long commitment and a way of showing the World how madly in love and committed we are however men think simply being in a relationship is enough and they know they know they want to be with that person.

The pre nup thing I also understand and whilst it's horrible thinking of going into marriage and splitting up but it is very sensible for both of you.

I am far better off than my DP and I would like some comfort at protecting my finances just in case. DP has his own house but it's value is a third of mine plus I have savings/investments. We kind of have agreed that we go into the marriage (if we do!) with what we've got and then possibly split any extras we get during the time.

You need to decide whether being in a relationship with this man is simply enough? If it is then maybe take marriage off the table and he might be more inclined to want to marry you if he feels the pressure is off.