Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

@GreenTulips I want to buy a house 50/50 because I think it will make me feel more equal and less like a guest or a tenant

To be frank your assets don’t matter. To him his assets and his kids should be the priority and thankfully they are. To be honest at your age getting married isn’t even a priority - there are no joint kids, no assets that make sense to be shared. Continue with the low contributions and save for your retirement.

Scott what worms would it open?

If a woman is good enough to raise a man's children then she's good enough to share assets with right?

If not, don't move in with her right?

Nobody can tell you what to do here, you're going to have to make the call yourself.

It was clear that he didn't want to get married when he was silent when you proposed. He has decided that he will do it to make you happy, he's not dead against it. So now it's your turn to decide whether you are happy with that, or whether you want to marry someone who is just as excited as you, or whether you are happy not to be married.

The prenup is a separate issue and seems rather sensible. You've both got your own property, he has kids to think about. You don't contribute to his house costs, so you're not paying into assets that you wouldn't then see the benefit from.

For me, I couldn't marry him. If I didn't want to leave him either, I'd stay with him but be unmarried and make sure my interests were looked after too.

Wedding planning is stressful. I got engaged a month ago, and my fiancé has been great at viewing venues, discussing guest lists and costs... there's so much to do, and if you don't want a registry office, it's so expensive. I'm dreaming of eloping and I want to be married! I couldn't do it knowing DP wasn't really fussed.

Your OP said you would be buying house together with BOTH your money. You don't earn as much as him so I would assume he would be putting more money in. You have children as well - do you think it would be fair, if you died before your spouse, that he inherits everything and your children get nothing? That on HIS death, he could leave his children all his wordly goods and yours and your kids get nothing? And that's assuming you have a happy marriage and no nasty divorce looms on the horizon. He's not interested in being married but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It is perfectly sensible of him to want a pre-nup though, as getting married to you means he is entering into a legal and financial contract and he wants to make sure his children do not suffer as a result. This may not sound romantic to you, OP, but as we get older and our lives get more complicated we tend to view marriage in a colder light than we do in our twenties when all we might own together with our partners is a set of pans and there are no children to think of.

@Butterflyone1 Thank you x

@HennyPennyHorror I see now you meant where cohabition + children together. But even then it would be legally difficult to define exactly when and how this defacto marriage would apply. But I think it might be a good idea after all. It would force a reexamination of the entire idea of marriage, which does badly need it. And if it discourages some couples from moving in together, then they probably shouldn't be living together in the first place anyhow.

You need a prenup as much as he does. Do any of the adult children live with you?

It very much depends on the pre-nup. Please get independent legal advice before signing it.

But I wonder why you want to marry him if he's so reluctant? What are the benefits for you if you do? Usually, I'm a big advocate of marriage, but I wonder if this is such a good idea for you. Especially if you plan to give up your main asset.

I'm on the fence.

He may not have much grace in his delivery but I can't really see where he's done much wrong.

He doesn't really want to get married, but he's prepared to for you if you really want it. That's pretty accommodating.

He is a higher earner, you don't have kids in common, you're older - he's not being unreasonable to want to protect his assets. He presumably wants them to go to his children, mostly. Again, not evil!

You moved into his and he's asked for a very reasonably low contribution in light of your lower salary - again, he sounds ok.

Look, he would happily carry on living together but if you want to marry and 'pool' assets I don't think his veiwpoint is unfair.

When you sell your house, will you be able to buy 50/50 and get what you'd both want?

Essentially the crucial difference here is that this man has children who are not also OP's.

So he wants to make sure they inherit, or don't lose out on assets he built up, in the event of his death.

That's fair enough.

My sister and her partner were both married before and both do not want to get married again - but they are committed to each other. They have a child but they also share a mortgage - to them this is enough commitment.

I think he is being sensible.

I don't see the point of getting married at your age. Why not carry on as you are if you're happy together.

As to your partner wanting a pre-nup if you do plan to marry, it's a sensible move.

To those who think my £200 contribution is not enough, this is the sum he asked for! I also buy lots of things for the household on top of this.

Yes but you phrased it as though it was a large contribution. It came across as you think he should be grateful for it. When in actual fact you live there too so should be contributing.

You may own a home 50:50 in future and if you split it will be split 50:50. You both make equal contribution to the mortgage and deposit and its 50:50. He can still leave his 50% to his own children.

I think hes being honest and sensible, unless the pre-nup means you wouldnt get anything. Ask him what he wanted from it. Try to take some of the emotion and romance fantasies out of it. Marriage is also a legal and financial partnership as well as a romantic declaration. He is wise to tread carefully, and you havent lived together long, or even been together that long imo

I wouldn't even live together. Too messy with finances, inheritances, different earnings, different retirements and children and all that. I'd live next door instead. Though I admit I may not be the most romantic person and I do like my own space rather a lot

Scott In Australia if you cohabit with someone for more than 6 months in a relationship then it's defacto...the rules are different when there are no children but it does protect people who aren't married when they've been out of work due to childcare.

On the face of it I’m not seeing the problem. He’s not keen to marry, but will as it’s what you want and, he wants both of you to have a legal framework protecting your preexisting assets should you split, or your respective children’s future inheritance.

Your £200 per month, plus whatever you buy probably means you’ve got a very good deal financially for now, or at least pro rata to income and then buying a joint home 50/50 puts you on a more equal basis.

So the only fly in the ointment is that he’s not made keen on marriage. Given that he’s willing to put that to one side I’m not sure what more you could want of him?

I'm with him

He sounds sensible to me, as well as honest, savvy, fair, forthright, and a caring dad. I think you’ve got a good’un there. Ok, he is not exactly Mr Romantic, but that’s often overrated anyway.

I’d advise both of you to get legal opinions before merging your finances. You both have money/assets and kids, after all.

Marriage is about so much more than romance and at your stage in life with grown up children and your own property you should be able to see this. It's very much a legal arrangement which puts your relationship on a different footing. When you marry young and go into the marriage with nothing it is a way of protecting assets you build up together during the marriage so that if you split up there is a fair division - even if one of you has not been working, but has facilitated the other in doing so by taking care of kids, domestic matters etc. At that stage in life - with nothing to lose if you like - you can go into it full of romantic hopes of building a life together. Second time around - when you already have children with another partner, when you may have assets you have spent years accumulating, it's a different matter entirely. I don't think your fiancé is being unromantic, he is merely being practical. The thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much - so marry him. But get all the legal ducks in a row first. If you are not marrying him for his money then what does it matter? I would say he's asking for the prenup for the sake of his grown up kids as much as anything which is actually an admirable thing to do.

There are many on here who will say you need a pre nup ,but surely money shouldnt come into it?.You are getting married to some one you love FGS!.If hes wealthy, why are you paying him rent?.Just pay when you go out to eat, or some groceries or something .The fact that you are "engaged "but w/o a ring speaks volumes Im afraid.This is not usual, except maybe for some young couples who cant afford to buy one .Do you want to marry someone who seems very reluctant do you think?.I think this is a bad move, as he will probably not want to put his heart into your relationship.Also the fact you asked him and he wasnt able to give you an answer for a week seems odd too!BTW not sure if pre nups are even recognised in England ATM.

for those who have said that pre-nups mean nothing, the law is changing so they will be considered in the event of a divorce.

so make sure if you sign one you take legal advice from a lawyer specialising in family matters.

i think if im honest, he's being sensible. i'd do the same. absolutely i'd protect my kids and assets in my will if i was in your/his position

He doesn’t really want to get married. He has reluctantly agreed to make you happy but has now probably ruminated on it and got cold feet in case you split so knee jerked a prenup conversation to protect himself.

Did his last relationship with the mother of his children end badly? Perhaps he thought that would be forever and obviously it ended. From his point of view everything good has the propensity to turn to shit so he doesn’t want to walk into something blindly.

Now you have to think why marriage is important to you? I’m sure it’s not the financial aspect, is it a way of just cementing your bond to each other? Telling the world you are together and in love? I think if this is the case then tell him the reasons you would like to get married and explain you are happy to sign paperwork so that both of you can protect your assets. It shouldn’t be him going to a solicitor and then shoving some paperwork under your nose. It should be both of you taking legal advice and ensuring that if the marriage fails neither of you loses out. If you can get your head into the space then I think marriage could work for you both.