Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

Update: So we had a long discussion last night. He insists he does want to marry me, because it's important to me and that he loves me a lot. He explained more about the prenuptial agreement - he has been left twice by previous partners so wants to protect himself. I said I don't mind signing it, as I'm not interested in his money anyway.

I just don't know anymore though about the marriage. I don't mind about the prenup, but hearing him say yesterday how uninterested and unenthusiastic he is about the wedding has ruined it for me. Still no date or plans etc. I feel too awkward to even mention it anymore. I didn't sleep last night and just feel sad and deflated.

Marriage isn't important to me , so I would only marry DP because he wanted me to not out of some romantic motion. And yes I would want a prenup if I had stuff worth protecting.

So he does want to marry you, he’s just not interested in the wedding, is that right ?

And you are now not sure if you want to marry him ? Was it the wedding that was the Most important part to you OP?

Hmmm I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

Marriage isnt important to him. That's no more right or wrong than it being important.

But he is willing to do something he isnt that bothered about because he knows its important to you. Isnt that a big part of successful relationship?

Recognising that something isnt a big deal for you, but if you know it is for your partner you do it for them.

Dps family are big into birthdays I am not. So I make a fuss on his birthday, invite his family round etc because that's important to him. I dont feel dragged into doing it. It doesnt make me feel resentful, though I do it every year. I do it because its important to him. I love him and want to make him happy.

He knows that Christmas is a big deal for me and really puts the effort in then.

I adored (and adore) my partner. I got married finally after years and years together because it was important to him. Not me.

That was my consideration of him, actually marrying him. I certainly wasn’t going to pretend to be all enthusiastic about white dresses, bridesmaids and menus, even in the unlikely event he wanted me to.

I would have told him to cop himself on if he’d required some kind of pantomime of fake excitement.

But I do love him, and it’s been a long and happy relationship. Not having wanting to marry him doesn’t mean otherwise.

On hundreds of threads over the years we've had women moan that their bloke doesn't want to get married, that they don't see it as important, just a piece of paper and loads of replies along the lines of "well, if it's just a piece of paper but important to you, he should do it".

Here we have a bloke who IS more than happy to marry his OP, even though it's not something he wants to do, because he loves her and it would make her happy.

And there are STILL people having a go at him about it.

There are umpteen threads telling women who've been previously married and have kids to take legal steps to ensure that their new husband can't get their hands on their assets if the marriage fails, or to make sure their assets go to her children rather than the new husband's family. This is what he is doing and again, there are people having a go at him for that.

OP, this bloke is being very sensible based on what has happened to him in the past and wanting to make sure his children benefit when he dies. Totally and utterly reasonable. You should do the same. He clearly loves you as he will marry you FOR YOU. I think you're potentially going to ruin this relationship if you continue to resent him over being perfectly reasonable and behaving as pretty much every woman is recommended to behave in the identical circumstances.

@shatnerswig

You know, your constant “ men have it so hard on Mumsnet and in life“ whinging does get a bit wearing. Why on earth do you hang around Mumsnet so much if it’s full of women moaning about ‘blokes’? There’s plenty other websites where no one EVER mentions women and children’s rights.

ShatnersWig but the over whelming majority have stated he is right to get a prenup and not wrong about his feelings regarding marriage.

Very few have had a go about him. So not really sure you have a point on this one.

Op trust your gut feeling on this. If someone reluctantly agreed to marry me to keep me happy and demanded a prenup the minute we started discussing it I would be upset too.

If it is something he wants to do to please you he could still show a bit of enthusiasm and be nice about it. If I agreed to something dh likes more than me I would enjoy his enjoyment even if the thing itself didn't bother me and be happy to discuss it and hear his plans.

The prenup thing could have been brought up more sensitively. I'm sure you would have agreed that its fine for him to want to protect his dc as long as you are provided for if you have combined your assets and then something happens. Its the lack of tact (ironically something Aspies are usually accused of) .

@Rosemary46 I do still want to marry him, not just because of the wedding but also because it's a public statement of our love and commitment to each other. I'm also hoping it might change my status in his family - see my previous thread for explanation 🙂

I don't know what to do about the wedding though, I still don't have a date and he's clearly not interested and I feel awkward mentioning it now. Everything feels a bit weird now, like something has changed. I feel deflated and embarrassed.

@Teacakeandalatte Thanks for understanding! x

I’m sorry you are so upset. Maybe it’s best to take some time and work out what you really want. Have you thought of going to counselling to talk about your relationship with someone who doesn’t get annoyed if you get emotional ?

TBH if his family don’t accept you now then then a marriage certificate won’t make any difference, it’s not 1950.

He doesn’t want to make a public statement. And a shotgun wedding will hardly change your status with his family. Do you really want to be the person who pressured their reluctant son into a wedding.

It sounds like you see marriage as romantic, but he doesn't, he sees it as a legal sharing of assets. Tbh I agree with him. If you were younger and planning to have children together it would be completely different. He isn't interested in marriage but is willing to do it if it makes you happy, what more can he do?

OP, in the nicest possible way, why not sort out your finances and get legal advice before worrying about wedding dates? When you started this thread you were confused and angry about the pre-nup. Now you say you’re ok with a pre-nup and want to marry him.

But you still seem to want some fake show of enthusiasm from him, though you know his feelings. You’re not going to get him excitedly discussing personalised vows and chair covers. If you want to marry him, knowing the circumstances, you may need to lead on the wedding. If you can’t handle that, don’t marry him.

Hi Willowcat. I'm sorry you feel deflated after your conversation but in a way it sounds like he actually said the right things. But totally understand you don't want to feel you are dragging him through a wedding he doesn't want to do.

Maybe he's scared of a big traditional wedding and just sees it as a hassle and not fun? Maybe it would even bring back difficult memories of previous weddings? Do you know what his first wedding was like, and whether he enjoyed that or was it all on his ex's terms?

Would you be happy with a less conventional wedding? Think about what he does like: pub lunches? Can you have the reception in a pub with bangers and mash? Coastal walks or surfing? Can you get married on/by a beach somewhere? If he doesn't like big crowds would you be happy to do it small scale? Can you link it to the music he likes, or a city he loves? If he had a very acrimonious divorce last time, can you do it completely differently to his last wedding (city vs. country, church vs. registry, traditional vs modern, whatever) so he isn't facing too many echoes of the past?

I'd give it a bit of time. It's great you are communicating but you also both need time to process your feelings as you are learning lots about each other's priorities and red lines and need to absorb that information (I have a lot of autistic traits myself and my daughter is autistic and this is true of both of us). It also takes both of us quite a lot of time to adjust to changes in plan (and we both cope badly with not having a plan), so I would imagine the current situation is probably very stressful for you, but sometimes you just need time to work things through in your own head.

If it was me I would struggle to go through with a wedding if I couldn't be convinced it would be a fun day for him too (even if he wasn't going to get super-enthusiastic about planning the details, I'd want it to be a day that he was definitely looking forward to - a great party for your friends and family to say thank you for supporting you).

You've agreed on the financial side, so why not sort out a lawyer and an agreement on joint finances that stands regardless of whether you get married or not? Then you can take a bit longer to mull the wedding - maybe come up with a few ideas of how/where you could get married and see if there is one that your DP could actually really get into and share the joy of the day with you.

@Tatianalarina @Inis He's 55 years old and a very forceful character - he wouldn't let anyone force him into anything. He asked me to marry him though, so I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect a little input from him. And I'm not after a big expensive wedding btw, my idea was to get married informally in our village by the woods and we'd have an informal gathering in our garden, nothing too fancy.

@Rosemary How bizarre. In my eight years here, I have very seldom played the "poor menz" card. The majority on this thread have said the guy is being sensible, putting his children first, but also in many ways putting the OP's feelings about his own. There have been some who disagree - including, it seems, the OP. I was pointing out that he is doing precisely what many of us - including me - have said to women for years - protect yourself and your children. That is the sign of a sensible attitude to the relationship and family. We've also said she should do precisely the same. She's not seeing it.

Thanks @Lighttripper He's never been married before, though I am divorced. I agree about wanting it to be a fun day for both of us 🙂 And yes, my ASD does make this sort of situation more difficult. The contradiction of him saying he wants to marry me but not seeming to is doing my head in!

@ShatnersWig Actually I did say I'm fine with the prenup thing, now it's been explained to me, his money is not important to me.

With all due respect OP you need to start caring about money. Individually and as a couple. Your DP is clearly planning his future which at 55 with 2 children and a future wife is sensible. For a future life partner or spouse to totally dismiss and avoid financial planning would be frightening for me. Retirement is a pending life choice for both of you, more so for him. Where are you both on retirement and pensions? Have you actually talked about the joint house purchase, cost, size, location or extending borrowing. Does he even need to move if you all fit into the current home. House moving costs a lot of money these days. Personally at 55 I would be looking to stay put until I retired and got my retirement home.

I suspect your DP thinks about all these things, rightly so at his age. From your posts you think about fairytale weddings in the woods with elves. Which is beautiful and romantic and demonstrates a lot of love.

There is no reason why these two things shouldn’t be compatible. But you won’t think or talk about money and he won’t think or talk about weddings.

That neither of you recognise the problem which both of you have with each other is stark. That would be the first step to building a sustainable relationship.

Well he proposed because you proposed first OP. He’s said he’s not interested in marriage. If he’s a strong character as you say he will resolutely continue to take no interest rings, dates, plans.

@Willowcat77 why don't you just elope ? Or Quiet ceremony just you him and DC? Some people don't want the fuss of a wedding with everyone staring at them but would happily get married with a very small ceremony...

@ShatnersWig

And there are STILL people having a go at him about it.

What thread are you reading? Most posters have been telling OP they agree with him.

For my own view, I can see why he would want to protect his money with a pre-nup but he told OP he didn't want to marry OP and he's only doing it for her sake. I don't think that's a basis for marriage. That's not having a go at him, that's just being pragmatic that both partners need to want to marry.

"Maybe he's scared of a big traditional wedding and just sees it as a hassle and not fun? "

He'd be scared of the legal and financial ramifications if things go sour at some later point, and he's right to be. Marriage is not a magic spell which guarantees Love Everlasting. You could just have a commitment ceremony, complete with vows, only without the legal contract. I'm sure he'd be happy to participate in that.