Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

What active choice do the kids of the women who move their partner in with them and their kids?

Then the partner fucks off a year or two, later, forcing sale of the house and taking half the assets?

It's become more and more common for women to have assets. What about those women.

Right now an unmarried couple can get married or sort things legally. Under a new system, it would be people wanting to remain unmarried that need to do.

Except both groups can already have what they want. The first group can marry. The second group can choose not to. So no changes needed

We need to be enforcing CMS payments. That's taking care of the kids.

Again, if a woman has given up work. Not got married and they split up. Under those rules she would get half the house.

Great. But if the father is a cunt and refuses to pay for those kids, she is still in a shit situation.

No income, single parent, no support etc. Yes she has some money. But that will soon be gone. Very few people walk away from divorce, with enough for s decent standard of living until the kids are older, without CMS.

Well said Proteinshskesandtears. As a single woman with adult DC, I might want to live with the man in my life. It doesn’t mean I want to give him half my house if the relationship doesn’t work, which happens in those countries where the laws say defacto and marriage are the same. If younger women, who want to have DC and want the security that marriage would bring them they have the choice to not have DC until they marry. Those who don’t want to share their assets only have the choice to live alone for the rest of their lives or risk losing half their assets.

Marriage in its current form, at least in the UK, is a blunt instrument. Everything thrown in a common pot and then divided up on divorce. It seems like a remnant of a time when divorce was rare and most marriages were for life. Prenuptial agreements are an attempt to remedy this, but have no real legal standing and can and will be set aside on the whim of the judge.

I am married , both have grown up children from previous marriages. We have both willed our own houses to our own children.