Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

I agree with PP that you need to treat the two things differently.

If you take my dad for example he is in a relationship with a lovely woman, while I don't know the ins and outs of either of their financial lives. I do know she owns at least 2 properties abroad plus one here in the UK. My dad owns one here and is on the rich side.

If they were to get married without anything legal and she died first, I could be getting 3 fairly expensive properties, and her 5 kids will get nothing and I am fairly sure that is not what she wanted. On the other side of the scale, if my dad died first her kids would be getting my childhood home and any stocks and shares my dad has.

If they were to get married, since they are both fairly savvy I would imagine they would make sure something legal in place, but I would make a subtle suggestion to make sure, just to protect them both.

this is assuming that either of them have left their properties and money to their respective children rather than the local cats charity

Why do some posters keep asking the OP why marriage is so important? My DH and I are mid forties, we got married last year because we love each other deeply and wanted to declare this to our friends and family. Why shouldn't the OP want to get married. It was one of the best things DH and I have ever done. I love being married and so does DH.

Presumably the pre-nup would take account of any money you put into the new home you buy together. In which case, I see no issue with signing it.

I think that he will marry you to make you happy is a big thing.
The prenup is just the practical side and protects both your assets and prevents family wrangling if you separate or one of you died.Just get decent legal advise.
As for the bills he doesn't ask for more because he earns more,that seems fair to me and also makes him seem like a good man.
Get married to this Man who loves you and is making your future path smoother.Be happy.

I think it seems sensible to have a pre-nuptial agreement for all of the reasons others have said. My dad remarried and is older than his wife. It is very likely that everything will go to her and her children. I am OK with this, I never expected anything else, but if your partner wants to ensure his children get anything, it makes sense.

Now, about wanting to get married or not...

I had been together with my partner for six years and I was pregnant when he said that he wanted to get married. I didn't particularly want to get married, but I could see it was important to him, so I did it. We are still very happy together with our children, but to me I don't think marriage is important or made a difference. To him, it was important and socially I think he feels it is better somehow. My point is that your partner says he will marry you because you want it and he wants you to be happy. I would have said the same to my now husband (and did, he knew I wasn't bothered about it).

I think he is sensible to want a pre-nup and protect his children’s interests, and caring and kind to be prepared to marry you to make you happy even though marriage isn’t that important to him. He sounds like a keeper to me. Go for it! Be happy.

Why do some posters keep asking the OP why marriage is so important? My DH and I are mid forties, we got married last year because we love each other deeply and wanted to declare this to our friends and family. Why shouldn't the OP want to get married. It was one of the best things DH and I have ever done. I love being married and so does DH.

You've answered your own question -- you both wanted to get married, the OP's partner doesn't.

Take the marriage out of it.
You have a home to sell with equity in it. He has one too. You both have adult children. You are planning on buying a home together. Take your own legal advice on that.

as others have said £200 is nothing and, to me, it's a clear indication that he's keeping you separate from his house and finances.

He doesn't want to get married and I completely understand why (having lost a lot financially when I got divorced, I'll never marry again)

If you want to get married, you'll need to do it on his terms otherwise I doubt he'll go through with it. You both should protect your own finances if you do end up marrying

I am actually getting tearful at the realisation that if my in the event of my death my DH remarried without a prenup that all my assets could bypass my DC.

OP go with the prenup, for the benefit of the children in this scenario. The prenup doesn’t have exclude you benefiting anything....

Marriage is not so much a gesture of romance but a business partnership that financially protects a woman while she raises children and is perhaps unable to earn for while. It seems to me that this is how he sees it too and is probably happy the way things are and sees marriage as an unnecessary and expensive step

I would be very wary of getting married if I had adult children. Even if I genuinely loved my new partner the money I'd built up over my life time I would want passed onto my children rather than my new partner (although I'd want them provided for too). My FiL is in a similar position. He has decided not to marry his long term partner although they're committed for life because they want to keep finances separate. He does financially support her as he has a large pension and savings and she chose to help her adult DD buy a house instead of buying property herself. If Fil was to die his partner would get enough money to buy a small flat for herself and the rest would go to his kids.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this.

I was on the fence until I read this. You have every right and reason to feel emotional about it. To marry or not marry, to have a prenuptial agreement or not, these are all huge emotional things. So if he is exasperated because you are emotional then he is not a good partner. And he clearly does not really want to marry you. You have every right to be emotional about that too. Yes there are some men who do very much want to get married and who also want a pre-nup to protect their children. But he is not one of them.

So I think you should disengage from him, financially and emotionally. It is not a good idea to buy house with a man who is so emotionally out of tune that your deep feelings on an important matter exasperate him. And not to marry him either.

Hi @Willowcat77

Please be very, very careful with your contributions to his house.
I lived with my ex for 4 years. We decided to buy a house and he had a much larger amount of capital - we bought outright. He has ASD - quite markedly so and because of his anxiety and my deep love for him/stupidity we put the house in his name. He also refused to get married unless Brexit meant he 'had to' marry me. I did all of the administration and organisation for the house purchase (because his genius meant he shouldn't be bothered with trivialities). I also organised all of the removal and DIY that needed doing. I paid for most of the furniture.
Within three months of moving in he threw me out. Telling me that it was his house and where I lived was my problem. He gave me two days to leave and I lost almost everything. My Dad died in the same week and I had been made redundant a couple of months before. It was a horrible year.
Thankfully I have a close friend with whom I now live and I have set up my own business. I haven't dated though although it's been two years and I am young(ish) and attractive - so turning down dates regularly.
I don't think that I will ever trust anyone again. I loved him so much and had put up with so much because a) he had ASD and b) he was a genius (mathematician.)
Please be careful.

Prenuptial is smart. A high number of marriages don't last. Why should he give you his money/assets over his kids?

Why should adult kids be the priority?

Because they're his kids? Does it need anymore explaining than that?

I had threads about my break up at the time and now feel like Miss Havisham/Cathy haunting the boards as an apocryphal tale of how badly things can go.

He doesn't WANT to marry you.
He doesn't DESIRE to be married to you.
He's doing it because allegedly it 'makes you happy'

So you're happy to have him reluctantly marry you?
You need to raise your standards.

I am on a fraction of his salary...I want to buy a house 50/50 because I think it will make me feel more equal and less like a guest or a tenant
If i were you i would be securing my financial future, not tangling it up in his finances and relying on him to ensure your security.
You already earn less, you will be contributing less towards the household. You will always have less money than him.
You will still feel exactly as you feel now.
A caring partner would have taken steps by now to ensure that you felt AT HOME in the house and not like a tenant or guest.
If you split in the future, are you going to have enough money to buy your own house?

Have you even considered getting legal advice and going through all scenarios and options to look out for your best interests?

Why should adult kids be the priority?

Because they are his kids.

Why should the OP bevthevpriority assets wise?

I think a pre nup is a good idea for both your sakes but the fact that he has said he's only marrying you because you want to would feel horrible for me. I've been there with my current partner who randomly turned around after a few years and said he only moved in with me because he felt like he had to (I had no idea before that day that it was the case). It has put a massive strain on our relationship because ever since I have always felt like our relationship has only progressed because/when I wanted it to.
It makes me feel like he doesn't really want to be here.
I felt like his timing meant I had to push through with our relationship what with kids etc being involved for so long but honestly by doing this I can't honestly say it hasn't put a hole in our relationship where there shouldn't be. I'm not sure it will ever be repaired either.
If I could turn back time and give myself advice I think I should have given up there and then... made things easier on myself and everyone around me.
I do love him and that is part of why I have stayed but I can't bring myself to fully trust him. I'd question whether you really want that for the next however many years when there could well be someone out there who is better suited to you.

You have a house and grown up children.you need to ensure when you die it goes to them..otherwise you could die and he could inherit all your money and not your children...in your shoes I would not get married.

I think for a subsequent marriage where there are already children, a pre-nup is understandable.

I would definitely want a pre nup in this situation. There is no way I’d risk my children ending up with nothing. You hear all th time on here how the Step Mum was left everything on the understanding it would go to his children or split between all the children on her death or more often then not it ends up all going to her side.

First off, I would never marry a man who didn't 100% want to marry me, me for myself because he wanted to not because I wanted him to.

That being said, if I were to ever be single again I would NEVER marry nor ever live with anyone. N.E.V.E.R. Be in a monogamous committed relationship, sure. Spend the majority of our time together, sure. But at my age I've seen so many 2nd (and 3rd) relationships between 'older' adults hit the skids because of adult children, ill health, being 'set in their ways' issues, that I'd never want to have to disentangle myself financially and physically. A dear friend has a life partner with whom she doesn't live. It's perfect! They can spend all the time together they like, but still have their own 'space' to retreat to when they want some space and to entertain their adult children/grandchildren.

As far as a prenup, he absolutely needs one. And so do you since you have your own house (and possibly other assets). You want to protect your children's inheritance, and so does he. Prenups are legal here (US) and can avoid a lot of pain and financial troubles if the couple splits or after one member dies. My aunt had one and when her 2nd husband died, everything was cut and dried as far as his assets went. She knew what to expect and so did his adult children.

My advice would be to not marry him, rent your house out and keep things as they are. Maybe it makes you feel like a 'tenant' (it wouldn't me) but it should also make you feel as if you have a 'back up plan', a place to retreat to if you should ever need one.