Fiancé just said he's only marrying me because I want it and he wants a prenuptial agreement

[Willowcat77]

Disclosure: I have ASD but very high functioning.

DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and living together since last September. We both have grown up children. I live in his house. We got engaged earlier this year but it has been very low key - no ring, he's not told many people and he never seems interested in discussing dates or plans etc.

I love him intensely and I was the first to propose. He initially reacted with silence and it felt very awkward and I was more hurt than I'd ever been in my life . Then a week later he asked me. I said yes but only if you really mean it! I don't want to be married out of pity, but he reassured me he meant it.

This was months ago, but still no discussion or anything about the wedding. This morning I said we need to talk about the wedding and I asked him whether his heart was really in it. He said he did want to marry me, but only to make me happy, because he loves me, but he isn't really interested in marriage and never has been.

But this isn't strictly true because he did propose to his ex years ago but she refused. When I pointed out this contradiction he said he only asked her because they had children.

He then unexpectedly said he would need me to sign a prenuptial agreement as he is much better off then me and marriage is a risk if you split up. He said he has lots to lose, unlike me. (I want to point out that despite being on a much lower wage than him I do contribute at least £200 per month and also buy lots of things to make his house and garden nicer. Also, I do have my own house to sell, once I have sorted out some legal issues with my ex, and then we will buy our own house together, so am not actually a pauper!)

I'm now very confused and don't know what to do. Marriage is important to me but it feels horrible to think he is only getting married to please me. Him saying this has taken the joy out of it. How can I plan a wedding knowing his heart isn't in it and he's not really interested?

Maybe I should leave him, but the thought of living without him breaks my heart, I love him so much. Maybe I should get married and sign his weird prenuptial agreement, but always know I have dragged him into it or unwittingly emotionally blackmailed him into doing it? This makes me feel terrible.

Or maybe I should say let's not get married then and just carry on living together? I could do this, but the knowledge he didn't want to marry me would always be there.

I have exasperated him for being emotional about this. We're going to talk about it again after work. Please can you give me some feedback based on what I've said? Thank you x

@IrisAtwood Perhaps you've misread, as it is the OP who has ASD here, not her partner. Are you suggesting her partner should be careful of her because of her condition? Because that would be extremely ignorant.

The prenup is irrelevant as he doesn’t really want to marry you! Walk away

What you actually need are good wills. You need wills for now, while you are living together, and later, when/if you get married you will need new ones. Decide how your joint and separate assets will be split, think of possible scenarios for example will you be allowed to live in his house if he pre deceased you, or would it be sold. What happens if one of you becomes incapacitated or unable to make decisions about end of life care, financial choices etc. Do either of you have a pension or life insurance, who will be the beneficiary?

He has the right idea, neither of you have taken it far enough.

@NoBaggyPants - perhaps you misread my post. The point of the post was being ripped off. His ASD was incidental and included to explain why I had agreed to his unfair expectations.

He sounds sensible,fair,and honest to me,and you proposing and wanting to be married is not so good,as he wasn't enthralled when you proposed. Not sure why you can't leave things as they are if you are happy together,as now you have given yourself some stress about everything.

The OP and her DP should really discuss their financial expectations of each other and their relationship. If they are in conflict they should resolve and/ or compromise on.

Once they know how they want to manage and share wealth they can decide if marriage suits them or if they need a prenup.

The question as to why they want to get married is valid. If the OP wants to combine wealth then I suspect they will be on conflict. If it is just a show of romance then the prenup will be needed.

A lot of people with children and assets (property and pensions) don’t want to combine wealth with new partners. A lot don’t want to remarry. It’s not unusual and it is not sinister.

I wouldn’t necessarily be suspicious of someone wanting to share my wealth but like the DP here I wouldn’t do it beyond living expenses.

It’ll save both of your kids trouble when one or other of you gets infirm or dies. I would insist if I was in your shoes OR his that you talked through long term care, old age, wills etc and had contracts before marriage.

It takes a long time to earn money.

I expect he does love you and just can’t see the point of a certificate that could cause more harm than good to either of you at this stage of life.

I’m not even sure it’s in your best interests to get a house together, but to keep the good deal you’ve got, assume you are saving a fair amount with low living costs?

@IrisAtwood your story sounds horrendous, but I think the situation is quite different from the OP's. She has her own property and her contribution to joint lives now sounds less than if she were living separately. Any new joint property is to be protected by agreement beforehand.

I would never marry a man who didn't 100% want to marry me, me for myself because he wanted to not because I wanted him to.

I think what we're missing here is context. It's very different to me if he's said 'I really don't want marriage but if it makes you happy and shuts you up' than if he said 'I don't want marriage but I love you and if that's what'll make you happy, I will'

It does sound as though he thought it over rather than giving you a kneejerk answer, so that's a good thing, no? but there are nuances that we can't know.

I’d ask yourself if you want to spend all your house wealth on his long term care if he gets dementia at age 70 and needs 10+ years of care. I can imagine your dc not loving that.

The thing that jumped out at me was that the OP was told that she'd have to sign a prenup. Not that they together would have to have a hard look at their finances.

I would consider that slip of the tongue to be indicative of the fact that the OP's partner is very much aware of the difference in their incomes and does not really seem to care about the OP's long-term financial health.

Of course, that may all have been discussed when they discussed (did they?) buying a house together, but if that is not the case, I would be extremely chilled by the OP's partner's response to her initial proposal, at his subsequent martyr-like proposal with attached (financial) condition, and most especially at his 'exasperation' because she is emotional.

OP, please take some advice in real life from friends who have your best interests at heart.

The two of you are both financially confused. He is right to want to protect a significant amount of his money for his children and keep it separate. That could be dealt with by putting it into a trust, I believe. But it is complicated. On the other hand, he seems to want to have his cake and eat it too if he wants to buy a house with you.

What happened to “all that i have i share with you”

Which is what you will say as your vows on your wedding day. It sounds to me like all that i have i share with you when i feel like it.

It sounds abit cold to me

I was very naive, and married my ex, even though I owned a large house and a very good income. He had no assets at all, and a very low paid job. Of course, he now has had a lump sum to buy a house, and spousal maintenance. Therefore, if I ever was to marry again (not that I have even dated since) I would be very, very cautious. Like your DP, I don't think I would want to marry again, but might do so if it meant a lot to the other person. I would however, insist on some sort of pre-nup.

I can therefore see where your DP is coming from, despite it being an entirely hypothetical situation for me at present. I think it is important that you both independently get financial and legal advice, and come to an arrangement that you are both happy with, but that is also fair for you both.

What are your reasons for wanting to get married? I'm not criticising your wish to do so, far from it, just wondering why it will make a difference to your relationship. Even if you end up continuing to live together, I would still urge you both to seek advice on the situation.

What happened to “all that i have i share with you”

Which is what you will say as your vows on your wedding day.

Not necessarily. Our vows consisted entirely of declaring there was no impediment to marrying one another and saying 'I, X, take you, Y to be my wedded wife/husband.'

I actually think second marriages are very complicated when there are grown children on both sides. It's really important that everything is clear and on paper for both parties and all interested parties. I can see why somebody wouldn't want all their assets to go direct to the 'new' spouse on death but instead be shared by their children. but obviously the surviving spouse needs a home and you wouldn't want adult children evicting them.
I think you should both see a solicitor.

In terms of marrying him at all, well in some ways it's nice that he's willing to do whatever makes you happy. You can't make him want to marry for his own sake so either you accept that he's happy to do it for you or you don't do it. Either way, you still need to see a solicitor before buying a house together.

He just explained that men see marriage differently

I think women see it as this life long commitment and a way of showing the World how madly in love and committed we are however men think simply being in a relationship is enough and they know they know they want to be with that person

What an absolute load of old bollocks.

So you wanted to get married, your partner didn't. He mansplained to and now you are appeased.

Please do not speak for all men. My husband certainly did want to marry me and saw marriage in exactly the same way as me.

If the op is selling her home then the priority is that she is legally and financially protected should they split without getting married.

Of course she should get what she puts in and is protected.

But there is no reason why the OP should be the priority to his money and what he invests in a joint house.

OP, when you say you want to own a house 50/50 with him, do you mean you'll pay 50% of deposit and 50% of mortgage too?

Unless you're a cash buyer, I don't see how you will afford the mortgage payments?

If you were in his position I am certain you would want a prenup too. It is sensible and I always fail to see why (mostly women) get so upset by them. All matters are usually discussed and although there are concerns with implementing them in the UK, most judges do consider what has been agreed.

I think most of the time prenups are sensible, in this situation - absolutely. Even in cases with young couples I think they certainly can be beneficial, people usually take into consideration potential future children and other factors when deciding.

Finally, what will marriage really change for you? If you are not happy with how things are, then leave. He seems sensible, has been fair to you allowing you to be with him and not asking you to contribute much at all. He has not once dismissed your wage and demanded huge expectations.

Whilst I understand marriage may be something you want, if he has no desire it is not fair to push for it. You both have children that are adults, surely you can just enjoy life together now without worrying about marriage? A legal document will never confirm loyalty and love, just remember that.

@honeygirlz We would both be cash buyers, as we both have lots of equity, so no mortgage required. So yes, I will contribute 50% of the house we buy together.

In the middle of having the discussion with DP now. Thanks for everyone's replies, very much appreciated and some very helpful for me x

Thanks for clarifying OP.

Unfortunately I suspect he would want to marry again but he doesn't love you enough to marry you for himself and has effectively told you he doesn't want to get married. And that would be reason enough not to marry him. I'm reminded of the line from Sleepless in Seattle: 'Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations to it.'

Many people would want a prenuptial but if you don’t want one it would be unreasonable to agree to one.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you really do not need to end the relationship but I would say you do not need to sell your house either as you may need somewhere to go back to if he doesn’t trust you enough to put as much into this as he is expecting you to put in.

When you have very different salaries, it does work with percentages. It is not fair that you are ready to put 100% of what you have for him to say he only want to put as much pounds as you did. In such case you are risking far more than him.

Honestly,

... enjoy your relationship but also your financial independence.

@aniceluxury What happened to “all that i have i share with you”... Which is what you will say as your vows on your wedding day

And "until death do us part"?! Cos that vow always stacks up!!

I agree with PP way back. Marriage as a construct for relatively young people starting their lives together where sacrifices/commitments are made as a team, marriage is both wonderful and protective.

2nd marriages, pre-existing kids, bit later in life... Nope. If OP truly wants to get married, then sign the prenuptial and enjoy what marriage means to her.