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Original poster

AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

237 replies

beingniceiscool11 · 18/06/2019 00:38

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

OP posts:
EAIOU · 18/06/2019 00:41

What about it makes you feel icky?

Did you discuss when together that he'd wear swim shorts?

Is DD aware of body autonomy/privacy?

Would you feel comfortable having this conversation as in "DD mentioned about showering etc and that you weren't wearing trunks...."

I honestly can't say how id feel on the matter if it were me. I don't think I'd like it and I don't know why.

Hopefully some wiser people can help!

Clusterfukt · 18/06/2019 00:43

Well he’s her dad and it’s just bodies, there’s nothing sexual about it so I don’t see an issue.

TrixieFranklin · 18/06/2019 00:51

You've posted before about your daughter not wanting her dad to get her dressed due to sensory issues and also about his abusive tendencies. Surely if you have concerns, given the past issues, you need to know what's going on.
Have you discussed it with him at all?

AbsentmindedWoman · 18/06/2019 01:12

I would not like this either OP, it would make me really uncomfortable. It's not respectful of her own personal space, which is difficult because it causes confusion around boundaries.

RubberTreePlant · 18/06/2019 01:16

I can't see an issue in what you've said.

He probably used to wear trunks in deference to your feelings, but now doesn't see the need.

Birdie6 · 18/06/2019 01:16

I wouldn't want to shower with a man whose "junk" was dangling right in front of my face , and I certainly wouldn't want DD to be put in that position.

A 5 year old is perfectly capable of bathing or showering alone - why on earth is he even thinking it's OK to get in with her ? I'd be telling him to stop immediately.

Ribrabrob · 18/06/2019 01:24

I'm a bit on the fence to be honest OP (not helpful I know) because on one hand he's her dad and I think as a nation we're a bit 'odd' about nakedness in general, however on the other I guess it could be seen as a little bit unnerving.

The thing that jumped out to me though however is that she has said 'it's ok he doesn't touch me'. That's not something a 5 year old would say, it sound like it's something he has said to her which suggests to me he knows it's a bit weird to be showering with her.

Maybe you should have a private word with him, but don't accuse him of anything, just gently discuss your concerns.

snitzelvoncrumb · 18/06/2019 01:28

It's fine, unless she feels uncomfortable. I would make sure she knows she can say no if she wants to.

managedmis · 18/06/2019 01:35

I would not be happy about this at all

Totur · 18/06/2019 01:36

Wouldn't be happy either.

Trebla · 18/06/2019 01:37

I shower with my 8 year old, 6 year old and 2 year old sons. I must be a deviant. I've just had a baby. I'll shower with him too. In fact we might have a family bath tonight or as we call it "boy soup".

Horses for courses.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 18/06/2019 01:38

The thing that jumped out to me though however is that she has said 'it's ok he doesn't touch me'. That's not something a 5 year old would say, it sound like it's something he has said to her which suggests to me he knows it's a bit weird to be showering with her

Exactly what I thought too.
There is no reason at all for him to get in shower cubicle with her.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 18/06/2019 08:41

Hi all,
We took this down overnight because it was receiving a fair number of troll reports, but having looked into the background we are reinstating as we are as sure as we ever can be (ie never truly 100% tbh) that this poster is on the level.

Skittlesss · 18/06/2019 08:46

If he doesn’t touch her then why is he in there with her? If I am in the shower sometimes I will tell my DC to jump in (ours is over the bath) and then I step out of the water and shampoo their hair whilst they wash their bodies. I wouldn’t be in there with them and not help them. It just saves me getting out, dry and then helping them with theirs later on.

VanillaCoconutDove · 18/06/2019 08:52

The long and short I wouldn’t want a penis in my 5 year old daughters face, regardless of who it is.

The ‘he doesn’t touch me’ comment is pretty unsettling.

notapizzaeater · 18/06/2019 08:54

Have you asked him why he showers with her. My 5 yr old was showering alone at that age, though I was in the bathroom.

AdoreTheBeach · 18/06/2019 08:57

Oh my. I must be a deviant and didn’t realise. I showered with my children, son and daughter (separately, no space for communal showering with all of them). Saved a lot of time, that was my motivation. Didn’t know it’s wrong.

Oh my, I even put my son and daughter together in the bath - without any clothes - to have a bath. They had a lot of fun with bath toys, funny hair styles with shampoo etc. Hadn’t realised how wrong I was to do that.

Oh the shame.

Coldilox · 18/06/2019 08:57

I shower with my 5yo DS. Don’t see it as weird at all

missyB1 · 18/06/2019 09:00

Why would he wear trunks in the shower? I don’t wear a bikini in the shower! I was definitely still bathing and showering with ds at that age, would that worry you? Oh no I forgot it’s only men that should be suspected of being sexual deviants 🙄

Oh and ds is 10 now and often comes into the bathroom to chat to me when I’m in the bath. Quick call ss!

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 18/06/2019 09:01

Men's showers include a good 'scrub', hardly appropriate for a dc to see imo! And how is she getting washed etc if he doesn't touch her?
Bizarre..

Bluntness100 · 18/06/2019 09:02

I'd also have an issue with this, it's not the full frontal nudity in front of her, it's simply in such a small place, and due to her height, her face will be close to his genitalia. Doesn't matter if she's five or fifty, no one likes to be this close to their dads genitals.

Iggly · 18/06/2019 09:05

Oh my. I must be a deviant and didn’t realise. I showered with my children, son and daughter (separately, no space for communal showering with all of them). Saved a lot of time, that was my motivation. Didn’t know it’s wrong

Good for you.

The OP however has a history with her ex and her instinct is telling her that this doesn’t feel right. Let’s not ignore or minimise this.

The OP needs to think about why it bothers her and if there are any other relevant cues.

FWIW I’ve showered with my dd, and dh used to have baths with our dcs when they were babies and couldn’t sit in the bath upright. Now he doesn’t and wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them.

Why is it necessary? I don’t think it really saves much time or water because you still need to shower yourself then shower your child!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 18/06/2019 09:06

Would she notice she's that close? My 3yo son likes to shower with me, I either hold him or he's knelt down on the floor playing with toys, moaning that he wants more of the water on him while I'm contorting myself to rinse

prawnpatrol · 18/06/2019 09:08
  • . I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old. But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? * I think it is more weird to shower with a swimsuit 😱
ittakes2 · 18/06/2019 09:12

I think part of the issue is how big the shower cubicle is - big cubicle no issue but the OP indicates its not very big and they would have to stand close with his bits dangling face level.