AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

[beingniceiscool11]

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

I think bathing in swimming trunks is very strange though. I find it more uncomfortable, like the introduction of trunks makes the situation seem more sexual.

OP, your update makes this sound really worrying....I think you need to get some proper advice and report your concerns to someone.

I also think other posters saying NAMALT and oh, I often pop in the bath with my child and it's fine are really unhelpful. Every situation is different.

This just sounds really inappropriate.

Actually, it’s not a family changing area @placemats. It’s a single sex group changing area that is used exclusively by his swimming squad. I’m not even allowed in there.

The girls are just as bad in their single sex, kids only changing area.

Maybe don’t make assumptions.

I don’t think there’s anything fundamentally icky about this. Some families are much more comfortable with nudity than others. I was definitely older than 5 before I started to feel weird or grossed out by seeing my parents naked, and was regularly swimming naked (in a private pool) with my siblings until much older than that.

If you have other reasons to be concerned that he would abuse her or that she isn’t safe around him then it’s a much bigger issue and you do need to deal with it. But showering alone isn’t a cause for concern as far as I’m concerned.

The only thing that strikes me as a bit odd is her saying it’s ok because he doesn’t touch her. Could simply be her understanding stranger danger / no touching where pants and a vest cover etc and extrapolating from that, but it is a slightly odd comment for a 5 year old to make.

Do you generally have reason to believe he is / might be predatory?

If you asked my DD if I touch her, she’d say yes of course.

If you asked her if I touch her in the bath, she’d say yes to help wash her etc.

Why on earth is this little girl so acutely aware of how a parent touching them can be a bad thing? Or is she just very clued up on potential for abuse (no bad thing).

Something has been said, at the least, by you or your ex. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t like it. It’s about respect, personal space and teaching young girl about their own entitlement to private spaces free from male genitalia!

He's her dad! I shower with my toddler! Your daughter is only 5! It's not like she's 15 or something!

This family includes the mother who is not comfortable with this though. The mother's feelings on this should be respected. Sleepy

The fact is that men's genitals are a lot more confronting and visible than womens (obviously) A full grown man's penis is a bit much for a 5 yr old girl to have to deal with, even if it is her fathers

(I came from a very liberal household, and whilst my mum would sometimes walk around - eg from bathroom to bedroom etc - naked, my father would not. I just think nobody would have thought that fair)

You also don't want adult male penises to be something she is accustomed to seeing up close - ie if she understands that is something 'private' then she's more likely to flag/sound alarm bells if she is ever (God forbid) shown one she shouldn't be in another situation.

Haven't read the whole thread so can't comment OP as to whether I think there's a real concern, but her comment about 'not touching' did bother me too

Why would any grown father want to shower with his 5 year old daughter ? Sorry I'm not part of the liberal bunch but this is just WRONG .

The thing is, here it isn’t about whether showering with your 5 year old is ‘icky’. That’s going to be different for different families (although the idea that it’s somehow different for mothers is ridiculous).

It’s about whether this OP’s ex is a problem. And this would only be one of several issues.

She’s a girl. Even without the sexual element, let’s not pretend that doesn’t make a difference.

At 5 years old children are schooled though. They should by then have the skills to toilet on their own, wash their hands, eat without being spoon fed, unless they have special needs.

I shower older vulnerable adults fully clothed. I don't get wet in the process.

Him showering with her wouldn't necessarily bother me, however her saying "it's OK he doesn't touch me" I find really disturbing.
I have an almost 5 year old and that sort of language isn't even on her radar.
A child of that age shouldn't even be aware that some adults touch kids.

Sorry just reading more responses - no I didn't ask "did he touch you?" I said "oh, really?" with a bit of surprise on my face I imagine and she said "it's ok he doesn't touch me!"
Maybe because I've said to her that she can touch her own privates but they are private for her only. Just to teach her appropriate stuff.
I also do tell her not to launch herself at me and be roughly nuzzling into my body but she has sensory issues so she is "sensory seeking" a lot and this is her impulse as well as just being a cuddler.

I also sleep in a bed with my child. Some families do. And some families are more open with nudity. I have no problem being nude at home! My friend is in his late 20s and he and his parents are STILL totally comfortable with nudity (which I do think is a bit weird but only because I couldn't imagine doing it, not because I think it's wrong). You seem to be comparing this to what you feel is normal but to many families all of this is totally normal. Unless you have serious worries that your ex is a paedoohile then I'd not worry about it. I think showering with a young child makes perfect sense - what's the point in taking two seperate showers when you can get a boring job done quickly with just one?

If my 17 year old son started walking around the house naked, I'd be having words with him. Why is it different for older adults?

It's all very well to walk around naked when you are a couple, and it's entirely part of the relationship. When children are involved, especially once they are school age, this changes obviously.

or maybe she has touched him just being curious or grabby in the past when she was younger and he has told her not to touch ? That may explain comment. ..?

In that case she would have said, “I didn’t touch him.”

Letting her sleep in bed with him and his girlfriend although she complains about the girlfriend’s snoring and said a couple times that his arms have been really heavy on her and she couldn’t get out . I said she can tell him she doesn’t want to cuddle like that in bed if she likes and she can tell him how she feels & she said “no I can’t tell Daddy how I feel” and then “it’s ok Mummy I do like it !”

This is really upsetting. This was me as a child. I have very clear memories of being trapped under my father’s arm and not being able to get out, waiting for him to roll over and then sneaking out and sleeping on the sofa. I wouldn’t have been able to say anything either - he told me that my mum wouldn’t understand if I told her and I wouldn’t be allowed to see him ever again. As far as my mum was concerned I liked going to stay with him. I carried the burden myself.

I am really worried for your DD. I would call the NSPCC for some advice.

We were still having shared baths when I was 8 and my brother was 5, which sometimes included either parent. So nothing weird about that for me. My parents were always pretty relaxed about nudity, so that was our normal.

It's all very well to walk around naked when you are a couple, and it's entirely part of the relationship. When children are involved, especially once they are school age, this changes obviously.

This isn’t some universal rule, you know, just because it’s how you would choose to do things. Different families do things differently and it’s all perfectly healthy.

Penises are just body parts. They’re no more threatening of confronting or whatever than breasts. To most kids (of either sex) their dad’s penis is just another bit of his body.

I remember getting into the bath with my dad at 7 or 8. There was nothing weird or sexual about it.

Showering older adults as part of a job is hardly comparable. Nor is a 17 year brought up in a house where nudity has always been hidden showing a sudden interest in naturism.

Dh doesn’t shower/ bath with dd6 anymore as she’s to old and she likes to stare

But right in her face? Seriously?

We were still having shared baths when I was 8 and my brother was 5, which sometimes included either parent. So nothing weird about that for me

Sharing a bath is very different to being crammed into a small shower cubicle with a very tall men whose genitals are face height.

And yet he wore trunks in the bath?

This is potentially grooming and escalating behaviour. This scares the shit out of me, having been in her DD’s position and has nothing to do with being comfortable naked. This is about boundaries and from the other posts they are clearly lacking and inappropriate.

she said “no I can’t tell Daddy how I feel” and then “it’s ok Mummy I do like it !”

Well she clearly doesn't like it and more to the point is too scared to tell him. Why?