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Original poster

AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

237 replies

beingniceiscool11 · 18/06/2019 00:38

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/06/2019 09:14

I would be encouraging her not to launch herself on people in their pants, not to be sniffing and nuzzling people's bellies, and generally talking to her about appropriate behaviour.

Tortoiselass · 18/06/2019 09:14

It's weirder that he would shower with a three year old wearing trunks Confused

I bathe with my three year old (son) all the time!

FoxSquadKitten · 18/06/2019 09:15

The thing that jumped out to me though however is that she has said 'it's ok he doesn't touch me'. That's not something a 5 year old would say,

Yes that's a really weird thing to say, why would she think it was bad for him to touch her? 🤔
Unless in actual fact you asked her 'does he touch you?' and you didn't want to tell us that...

prawnpatrol · 18/06/2019 09:18

@FoxSquadKitten I agree, it would be useful to know if that answer was prompted or the OP has been discussing consent and protection with DD in the past or why she said this.

ittakes2 · 18/06/2019 09:18

I agree with other posters - my daughter is 12 and the whole not touching me thing would not even cross her mind. Besides - does this means she cleans herself? If yes, than not any need for him to shower with her?

PerfectPeony2 · 18/06/2019 09:18

I’m sure many will disagree with me but I think feeling comfortable showering with your kids is more of a Mum thing. Sorry but it’s true. DD is only 11 months but I know as she gets older (or if she were 5!) DH would want to cover up. Whereas I probably wouldn’t bother.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 18/06/2019 09:19

I may be biases due to the experience of a close friend and her kids but this would be a big nope from me. I'm fine with nudity. We don't bother hiding from our kids and they'll often walk in when we're in the bath or loo. It's the enclosed space that gets me and the why does it even need to happen? It seems a bit groomyish. A touch off.

DoctorDread · 18/06/2019 09:24

I used to bath with my kids up to about age 3 - because it was the easiest and most fun way to get them clean. But body autonomy is a thing and if it's making you feel uncomfortable op you need to work out what's 'off' for you.

It's a tricky one and the answer is one only you can really fathom.

user27495824 · 18/06/2019 09:24

Sounds ok to me. Her answer rings alarm bells however.

Hithere12 · 18/06/2019 09:25

Oh my god that is disgusting. He could at least wear boxers.

Dvg · 18/06/2019 09:26

My Husband wouldnt shower naked with his son or DD, even when 1 years old he wore shorts.
I would feel uncomfortable Having my Penis swinging in front of a 5 year olds face :S

And she shouldn't have even thought that him touching her can be bad so yes thats weird.

prawnpatrol · 18/06/2019 09:29

Oh my god that is disgusting. He could at least wear boxers.
What a world we live in.
Society is obsessed with penises.
They are just a body part to a child.
What is disgusting?

I do worry that people with this views have some dark thoughts in there

BlueBrushing · 18/06/2019 09:31

Nothing inappropriate at all. What an odd country England is!

Cath2907 · 18/06/2019 09:31

How odd to shower in a swimsuit???

I still bathe and shower with my DD - she is 8.5. She enjoys it and asks me to come in the bath with her. She has recently started closing the bathroom door to have a poo and I respect her right to do that. when she is too old to share a shower with me she will certainly tell me!

I also share a shower with my nephew (5) when camping. It is far easier than trying to shower us separately. My sister knows and has no issues.

I think it depends on your attitudes to nudity - after all it is just bodies - we've all got one!

Meccacos · 18/06/2019 09:31

I had an ex-boyfriend’s 3 year old child make a bizarre comment to me when I was trying to unstrap her from her car seat.

She asked if I touched her knickers and I said “no, I’m trying to get your car seat undone but it appears to be stuck” she then replied “I’m very lucky”.

It freaked me out. I drove back to my boyfriends and told him what happened. He just said kids say the weirdest things. I spoke with my friends about it and they said it was weird and something an abused child might say.

The child moved away after that as her mother took her out of State.

I find it weird your husband/partner showering with a 5 year old. Particularly if the shower is tight..... particularly given what she is looking at given her eye level.

But weirder still is her comment about him not touching her. Why even mention that??

Another poster said you had previously reported that your child doesn’t like your husband/partner dressing her either.

There’s something weird going on.

placemats · 18/06/2019 09:32

Children have a right to their own personal boundaries and spaces.

I would let them shower alone but under supervision if only to make sure that all the soap was out of their hair. I certainly would be doing the supervision clothed and keep a safe distance. A young child is vulnerable. I would be seeing my child showering on their own as part of their growing independence.

YANBU OP

needsleepzzz · 18/06/2019 09:32

Hi OP, i think you need to talk to him about this. My husband has showered with our nearly 3yr old on holiday but kept his shorts on, got her washed etc then passed her out to me to dry so he could take his shorts off and continue his shower, i did the same if she came in with me (she thinks nipples are buttons and tries to press them, can't imagine what she could try and do to husbands bits!)

Dungeondragon15 · 18/06/2019 09:33

I think it is very odd. There is no need to shower with a 5 year old and most men would be uncomfortable about it. The fact that he does something that is not necessary that most men would not do rings alarm bells especially with the comment that "it okay, he doesn't touch me".

Buddytheelf85 · 18/06/2019 09:33

Those of you saying ‘I do this with my children’ - great, but the thread isn’t about you. It’s about the OP, her daughter and her ex. What works well in your family might be inappropriate in another. Clearly there’s history there and the OP doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

OP, can you talk to your ex about it?

prawnpatrol · 18/06/2019 09:36

Also, I am assuming the "ex" is the dad?
Those of you saying ‘I do this with my children’ - great, but the thread isn’t about you. It’s about the OP, her daughter and her ex.
Why are we not calling him that?

QueSera · 18/06/2019 09:36

I don't see anything wrong with your ex's actions at all.
If there's nothing sexual or untoward suspected, to me this is normal and healthy.

If you suspect that there is something else at play with this guy, then that's an issue. But if everything else about this guy is ok, I don't see the problem.

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 09:37

The ‘he doesn’t touch me’ thing may have been inspired by the OP (who is clearly uncomfortable with several aspects of her ex’s parenting), rather than anything sinister from the ex.

Personally, I would not care in the least. I wouldn’t have any worries at all if my ex had showered with our nearly 10 year old. I’d just assume there was some practical reason that made him choose to do so (because frankly, you’d rather have the space and privacy). My DS would probably object, but he does regularly run around communal changing areas naked having towel fights with his friends (and other post-swimming nonsense) so maybe he wouldn’t care.

The proximity of penises to faces is not something I would have ever considered in relation to a small child showering with their parent. In fact, I’m a bit surprised that so many posters would even consider that an issue.

ArchieStar · 18/06/2019 09:37

This rang alarm bells for me due to my history as this is how an abusive situation started in my life. Her answer of “he doesn’t touch me!” Is concerning too if you specifically didn’t ask about touching and she just came out with it.

Tentomidnight · 18/06/2019 09:38

What is odd is that there is no need for it, yet he’s doing it anyway.
I’d tell him that dd has mentioned that she’s uncomfortable with it, and had talked to you about it, so he’s aware that you are aware iyswim.

insecure123 · 18/06/2019 09:39

Sorry not helpful to your original question but could the "its ok he doesn't touch me comment" have come from your ex chatting to her about boundaries, bodies, etc?

For example a scencario where she has showered with her Dad and maybe he has addressed the issue that "it's ok to shower with Dad but other people are a no go/bodies are private etc" that kind of situation?

I think only you will know what your gut is on this and history etc will be relevant