AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

[beingniceiscool11]

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

Could she say "I'd prefer to have a bath."?

If not being able to tell Dad her feelings applies all the time, she must have quite a stressful time with him, whether she realises it or not.

If the dd was entirely comfortable with it, she wouldn't have even thought to mention it IMO.
The comment about he didn't touch her seems that she is actually far more aware than some of you are giving her credit for, of what this situation possibly could potentially be.
BOTTOM LINE? It's off. Most of US know it's off, the OP knows it's off and most importantly, the DD knows it's off.
This.
If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s inappropriate. My STBXH once kissed our DD on her shoulder - I found that extremely creepy and inappropriate - the thought of it makes me shudder even now.
Walking around in the nude and being comfortable with nudity is very different from being naked in a confined space. Uncomfortable and unpleasant IMHO. You need to speak to him about this. If he doesn’t comply, you should restrict access. This isn’t an overreaction, it’s a sensible precaution. If something makes you feel so very uncomfortable, it is usually inappropriate or wrong. Trust your instinct as a mother.

It’s not innocuous by the sounds of it. Social services do take an interest where there is evidence that there is repeated nudity in the presence of children, particularly if there have been other concerns. They look for parents who don’t set good boundaries around that - so reasonable that you aren’t content with this.

On the basis of your original post alone I wouldn't have any issue with this at all. Me and my husband both occasionally shower with our 4.5 year old and 20 month old (and don't wear swimsuits!)

But given all your updates, I would be vigilant. Not entirely sure how you can address it with him though.

My dh would let dd and ds into shower with him ( its a walk in / wet room type shower, just the same as I would , and more so to get them washed quickly, until they were about 3 he wouldn't have anything on and neither would I, then he started to wear shorts if he did hop in with them , and once he had both of them in the bath playing and it was all bubbly so you couldn't see anything but my dd said oh daddy I can see your willy, and they all thought it was very funny, but dh felt uncomfortable after that and only showers with ds now as dd is a 10 now and has her own showers, and has done since she was maybe 5/6 with me popping in to make sure she has washed correctly. I don't like to judge other peoples routines with their kids, just a question, would you feel like this if you were still together with him?

Even if Dad is totally innocent in this, it's teaching dd that she just has to accept it, accept what Dad does/accept what men do... But she's NOT comfortable with or she wouldn't have thought to mention it. And that is not right.

The little girl mentioning that he didn't touch her makes me wonder if the dad told her to say he didn't touch her

Oh OP what a dreadful situation it all sounds so stressful. On the basis of your original post I wanted to say of course it doesn't matter if Dad wants to shower with his daughter. Of course he wouldn't do anything bad to her he is her Dad! But your updates are just so worrying. The way he behaves to both you and your daughter sounds so manipulative and calculated. I'm not sure who can help - maybe the NSPCC? But I hope you do find someone who listens to you and takes your concerns seriously. Your love for your DD really shows in your posts.

only you know your ex. i wouldn't be concerned if this was my child/their dad.

The little girl mentioning that he didn't touch her makes me wonder if the dad told her to say he didn't touch her

Or if he said "It's all right, I'm not touching you.", while being 1cm away from her.
Why be in the shower anyway, if he isn't touching her to help her?
I think you said she doesn't need help.

There may be nothing actually happening but his attitude isn't right.

(Why would he expect to get more than 50:50 time, btw? It doesn't sound likely.)

*Doesn't sound likely that he'd get it, I mean.

Op parental alienation is the extreme psychological abuse of a young child. It goes beyond the typical bitterness of a divorce and is a very real attempt to sever the parent child bond. It is frequently seen in severe abusers and parents with a personality disorder. It's my experience that a parent who will abuse a child by alienating them will also abuse them in other ways.

Woman's aid are familiar with this and can help you. They have trained counsellors for children and specialised solicitors. I really think you need an urgent referral to a local centre where experienced people can help you.